"The love for equals is a human thing - of friend for friend, brother for brother. It is to love what is lovely ad loving. The world smiles.
The love for the less fortunate is a beautiful thing - the love for those who suffer, for those who are poor, the sick, the failures, the unlovely. This is compassion, and it touches the heart of the world.
The love for the more fortunate is a rare thing - to love those who succeed where we fail, to rejoice without envy with those who rejoice, the love of the poor for the rich. The world is always bewildered by its saints.
And then there is the love for the enemy - love for the one who does not love you, but mocks, threatens, and inflicts pain. The tortured's love for the torturer.
This is God's love.
It conquers the world."
- Frederick Buechner
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J95rAr0gOFU
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Friday, October 28, 2011
Free
What does it mean to truly be free?
It's interesting because free is actually different from freedom. I can have freedom and still not be free.
Get it? Having free will is not being free. Actually, the longer you walk with God, the more you realize that free will is often the antithesis of being free. Can I get an Amen?
Being free has nothing to do with having the freedom to do whatever you want. It has nothing to do with being above something. It has nothing to do with being free of something, negative or positive. These may be byproducts, but not the essence of being free. Being free is this: knowing who you are IN God and who God is. See when you know this, nothing has hold on you. Good or bad.
Free is characterized by the truth. Who you truly are and who God truly is.
Being free has to do with living out truth. Or perhaps being vulnerable enough to let the truth find you.
The most free person, is the person that is 100% him or herself consistently. It is only in being real, that you meet the living God. See God won't heal a figment of your imagination or the person you try to be or not be. He fixes you, the real you. We aren't really fooling anyone, least of all God.
I've realized something after 8 intentional years of following God:
I will never reach my fullest potential, the greatest version of myself, if I'm not free. Unless every thing is in it's rightful place, starting with God.
So how do you even become free?
I mean I can say I'm myself and I love God, and He's on the throne, and yet still be consumed in insecurity, fear, and inadequacy. Still be held by people's opinions. Still need the security of money or material goods. Still be held by affirmation from men.
Here's what I think:
You aren't really free, unless you've experienced being shackled without the key. To really understand what it means to be free, you have to learn to thrive in prison. That's why Joseph was a monster. He thrived everywhere. His free was not based on favorable circumstances or even well being. It was a different caliber of free.
See because in order to be indestructible, you have to be destroyed first. That's like the basic tenet of the Bible. Unless a grain falls to the ground and dies, it will not yield a harvest. Jesus was crucified before He lived forever.
Once you die and rise, nothing else matters except the One that rose you. You are gripped, seized, consumed by Him and His purposes for you.
And when that happens. People's opinions, the world's titles, that man or woman's level of attraction to you, how much money you make, how many people you get to come to church, whatever mediocre measure of status, acceptance, or love you may have needed or deemed important, all of these things become laughable.
I would have to argue that David killed Goliath, not because he had courage, not even because he had immense faith.
He killed Goliath because he was free. Free to fail or succeed. Free to be a shepherd boy in front of a giant. Free to wrestle with his own inadequacy and lack of skill and simultaneously believe in a God who uses the meek to humble the mighty. David didn't give a flying crap about his competence or lack thereof. He just knew who He belonged to.
David became Goliath in that moment. He became a beast.
Free understands who God is in comparison to every worldly construct, even humans. Who messes with the armies of the living God? said David. It's not that he thought he could win, he knew God already won. It's that simple.
Let's keep it real. The majority of Christians in America will never fully understand this level of victory. They will never experience surviving the lions' den, slaying the giant, thriving in prison.
Why?
Because they choose free will over being free. We consistently choose our familiar, comfortable, satisfying, easy, agendas over God's fire, over His training, over His pruning.
Wanna know the easiest antidote for our lazy, disgusting, existence?
Saying this phrase:
"Not my will, but Thy will be done."
Isn't that what Jesus said in the Garden before He was crucified?
Isn't that what Moses essentially did when he threw down his staff? He submitted everything he had, everything he was to God, who eventually turned him into a sea-divider.
Isn't that what Abraham did when he tied Isaac to that altar?
See when you say those four words, you say to God: I no longer belong to myself or to the world, I belong to You. I am willing to give up what is most precious to me.
And then you will experience a death, a throwing down, that will result in eternal and glorious consequences: victory, miracles, power, joy, love.
You will be free.
Free understands more fully a God who gives freely, graciously, and without measure or condition, to all His children
Free also exalts and praises a God who takes away, disciplines, trains in love
Free understands the sovereignty of a God who in EVERY circumstance is for us
Free understands that Jesus overcame the entire world. Past tense.
When you are free, you are not weighed down anymore by anything or anyone. Not even yourself.
You fly.
And as you fly, you have one and only one aim:
To get to the One who gave you your wings.
It's interesting because free is actually different from freedom. I can have freedom and still not be free.
Get it? Having free will is not being free. Actually, the longer you walk with God, the more you realize that free will is often the antithesis of being free. Can I get an Amen?
Being free has nothing to do with having the freedom to do whatever you want. It has nothing to do with being above something. It has nothing to do with being free of something, negative or positive. These may be byproducts, but not the essence of being free. Being free is this: knowing who you are IN God and who God is. See when you know this, nothing has hold on you. Good or bad.
Free is characterized by the truth. Who you truly are and who God truly is.
Being free has to do with living out truth. Or perhaps being vulnerable enough to let the truth find you.
The most free person, is the person that is 100% him or herself consistently. It is only in being real, that you meet the living God. See God won't heal a figment of your imagination or the person you try to be or not be. He fixes you, the real you. We aren't really fooling anyone, least of all God.
I've realized something after 8 intentional years of following God:
I will never reach my fullest potential, the greatest version of myself, if I'm not free. Unless every thing is in it's rightful place, starting with God.
So how do you even become free?
I mean I can say I'm myself and I love God, and He's on the throne, and yet still be consumed in insecurity, fear, and inadequacy. Still be held by people's opinions. Still need the security of money or material goods. Still be held by affirmation from men.
Here's what I think:
You aren't really free, unless you've experienced being shackled without the key. To really understand what it means to be free, you have to learn to thrive in prison. That's why Joseph was a monster. He thrived everywhere. His free was not based on favorable circumstances or even well being. It was a different caliber of free.
See because in order to be indestructible, you have to be destroyed first. That's like the basic tenet of the Bible. Unless a grain falls to the ground and dies, it will not yield a harvest. Jesus was crucified before He lived forever.
Once you die and rise, nothing else matters except the One that rose you. You are gripped, seized, consumed by Him and His purposes for you.
And when that happens. People's opinions, the world's titles, that man or woman's level of attraction to you, how much money you make, how many people you get to come to church, whatever mediocre measure of status, acceptance, or love you may have needed or deemed important, all of these things become laughable.
I would have to argue that David killed Goliath, not because he had courage, not even because he had immense faith.
He killed Goliath because he was free. Free to fail or succeed. Free to be a shepherd boy in front of a giant. Free to wrestle with his own inadequacy and lack of skill and simultaneously believe in a God who uses the meek to humble the mighty. David didn't give a flying crap about his competence or lack thereof. He just knew who He belonged to.
David became Goliath in that moment. He became a beast.
Free understands who God is in comparison to every worldly construct, even humans. Who messes with the armies of the living God? said David. It's not that he thought he could win, he knew God already won. It's that simple.
Let's keep it real. The majority of Christians in America will never fully understand this level of victory. They will never experience surviving the lions' den, slaying the giant, thriving in prison.
Why?
Because they choose free will over being free. We consistently choose our familiar, comfortable, satisfying, easy, agendas over God's fire, over His training, over His pruning.
Wanna know the easiest antidote for our lazy, disgusting, existence?
Saying this phrase:
"Not my will, but Thy will be done."
Isn't that what Jesus said in the Garden before He was crucified?
Isn't that what Moses essentially did when he threw down his staff? He submitted everything he had, everything he was to God, who eventually turned him into a sea-divider.
Isn't that what Abraham did when he tied Isaac to that altar?
See when you say those four words, you say to God: I no longer belong to myself or to the world, I belong to You. I am willing to give up what is most precious to me.
And then you will experience a death, a throwing down, that will result in eternal and glorious consequences: victory, miracles, power, joy, love.
You will be free.
Free understands more fully a God who gives freely, graciously, and without measure or condition, to all His children
Free also exalts and praises a God who takes away, disciplines, trains in love
Free understands the sovereignty of a God who in EVERY circumstance is for us
Free understands that Jesus overcame the entire world. Past tense.
When you are free, you are not weighed down anymore by anything or anyone. Not even yourself.
You fly.
And as you fly, you have one and only one aim:
To get to the One who gave you your wings.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Love and Waiting
It's a common thing for those of us in our 20's, going into 30's. That threshold place where we are no longer young adults, but just adults. Scary right?
It's not just that we see a couple more grey hairs or we realize how much closer we are to developing the chronic diseases we reprimand our parents for. See it is during this time that the burning question arises. Not that it wasn't there before, but it rears its head more intentionally now.
The question is this: Where is my soul mate?
Disclaimer: This post is not for those who want to get married to satisfy loneliness. That is merely a by product of marriage. And frankly if you believe in Jesus Christ, loneliness is a lie anyway, because God in His three forms, is always with us.
And yet the question. That burning question remains. It makes internet dating sites rich. Psychic readers, therapists, perhaps even pastors, more busy, as throngs of men and women seek the answer.
I am one such seeker. I don't claim to be above it. Quite the opposite. And I don't for one second say that the loneliness is easy. That the Saturday nights watching I Love Lucy episodes in my unflattering pink night gown, diet coke in one hand, canned peaches in the other, don't get really old after...multiple years.
But see, finding the answer to this question can be either this: easy or not as easy. It's never actually difficult. We just make it difficult.
Really easy if we don't really care about the caliber, length, or significance of marriage. If you want to get married to have a warm body to sleep next to, physical intimacy, and to pop out a few kids, the answer is simple. Millions of people find this answer really easily every day.
BUT
if you want your marriage to MEAN something other than this. If you want it to be intricately connected to the reason you were created. If you want it to propel you to be the best version of yourself. If you want it to mean the difference between mediocrity and greatness. If you want it to blow away every definition of love, understanding, security, and intimacy you have ever known. If you want it to have GOD written all over it...
the answer is less easy.
Because: there will be many No's, before the ONE yes. And to humans, that makes the answer not so easy. We don't like to wait. To us, waiting isn't the greater yes, it's a slap in the face.
To God, waiting is the difference between life and death. It's the difference in Him loving us and Him hating us. To Him the waiting is just as important as the gift itself. A blessing, albeit good, at the wrong time, is a disaster.
See, I've been waiting a long time. I've endured my share of no's. Painful no's. No's that pushed me toward brinks of despair and sadness. No's that left me disappointed and even more alone. However, does that entitle me to anything? Umm...no. A gift is a gift. It cannot be earned, just accepted when it is freely given.
To my beautiful, successful, talented, accomplished, smart, kind, Godly girlfriends I say this:
Let us wait. Wait and then wait more. That great Yes will shatter every memory of the no we have ever experienced.
And more importantly, this:
A yes from God will need no explanation. A gem is a gem not because you call it a gem, but because it just is one. It needs no justification, no proclamation. It needs no confirmation from others. Just confirmation from One. The yes, may not be sexy. It may not be drought-ending and people being raised from the dead. But,
It will be this:
"It was the pure language of the World. It required no explanation, just as the universe need none as it travels through endless time. What the boy felt at that moment was that he was in the presence of the only women in his life, and that, with no need for words, she recognized the same thing. He was more certain of it than anything in the world. He had been told by his grandparents that he must fall in love and really know a person before becoming committed. But maybe people who felt that way had never learned the universal language (love). Because when you know that language, it's easy to understand that someone in the world awaits you, whether it's in the middle of the desert or in some great city.
And when two such people encounter each other, and their eyes meet, the past and the future become unimportant. There is only that moment, and the incredible certainty that everything under the sun has been written by one hand only. It is the hand that evokes love, and creates a twin soul for every person in the world. Without such love, one's dreams would have no meaning" - The Alchemist, pg. 92-93
See I want this. When I'm in the presence of my husband, I want to experience the incredible certainty that everything under the sun has been written by one Hand alone.
I want to know even more fully how big, real, and gracious my God is.
And who knows? Perhaps it won't be some love-at-first-sight, leap-in-the-womb, magic. But it will be that level of certainty. It will be that level of peace. It will be that level of love. My marriage will show me in the deepest of ways, how known I am by my God.
Because love is the outpouring of knowing. Just read Psalm 139.
I won't settle for anything less.
I want to DELIGHT in being single. What would that actually look like? To have consistent joy while single even in the face of others' marriages, engagements, or baby showers?
This is the NEW ANSWER I seek.
Singleness is not meant to be a season of waiting for marriage. I have to tell myself this every day.
Singleness is learning that universal language of Love. Allowing myself to be known and loved by my Husband and learning to love like Him.
What a truly joyous time, really? What are you doing tonight? Oh, being loved by the God of the Universe.
...
It doesn't sound sexy. I can't call my girlfriends and giggle about it. I can't write a sappy facebook status about it (well maybe sometimes).
But, it sure is the real longing of my body, mind, and soul. Right?
So I'll admit. I'm waiting. I'm waiting to meet my soul mate. I have yet to find the answer to my burning question.
But perhaps there are surprises in the waiting. Something even more precious.
Love and waiting
Love and waiting
or maybe this:
Love is waiting.
It's not just that we see a couple more grey hairs or we realize how much closer we are to developing the chronic diseases we reprimand our parents for. See it is during this time that the burning question arises. Not that it wasn't there before, but it rears its head more intentionally now.
The question is this: Where is my soul mate?
Disclaimer: This post is not for those who want to get married to satisfy loneliness. That is merely a by product of marriage. And frankly if you believe in Jesus Christ, loneliness is a lie anyway, because God in His three forms, is always with us.
And yet the question. That burning question remains. It makes internet dating sites rich. Psychic readers, therapists, perhaps even pastors, more busy, as throngs of men and women seek the answer.
I am one such seeker. I don't claim to be above it. Quite the opposite. And I don't for one second say that the loneliness is easy. That the Saturday nights watching I Love Lucy episodes in my unflattering pink night gown, diet coke in one hand, canned peaches in the other, don't get really old after...multiple years.
But see, finding the answer to this question can be either this: easy or not as easy. It's never actually difficult. We just make it difficult.
Really easy if we don't really care about the caliber, length, or significance of marriage. If you want to get married to have a warm body to sleep next to, physical intimacy, and to pop out a few kids, the answer is simple. Millions of people find this answer really easily every day.
BUT
if you want your marriage to MEAN something other than this. If you want it to be intricately connected to the reason you were created. If you want it to propel you to be the best version of yourself. If you want it to mean the difference between mediocrity and greatness. If you want it to blow away every definition of love, understanding, security, and intimacy you have ever known. If you want it to have GOD written all over it...
the answer is less easy.
Because: there will be many No's, before the ONE yes. And to humans, that makes the answer not so easy. We don't like to wait. To us, waiting isn't the greater yes, it's a slap in the face.
To God, waiting is the difference between life and death. It's the difference in Him loving us and Him hating us. To Him the waiting is just as important as the gift itself. A blessing, albeit good, at the wrong time, is a disaster.
See, I've been waiting a long time. I've endured my share of no's. Painful no's. No's that pushed me toward brinks of despair and sadness. No's that left me disappointed and even more alone. However, does that entitle me to anything? Umm...no. A gift is a gift. It cannot be earned, just accepted when it is freely given.
To my beautiful, successful, talented, accomplished, smart, kind, Godly girlfriends I say this:
Let us wait. Wait and then wait more. That great Yes will shatter every memory of the no we have ever experienced.
And more importantly, this:
A yes from God will need no explanation. A gem is a gem not because you call it a gem, but because it just is one. It needs no justification, no proclamation. It needs no confirmation from others. Just confirmation from One. The yes, may not be sexy. It may not be drought-ending and people being raised from the dead. But,
It will be this:
"It was the pure language of the World. It required no explanation, just as the universe need none as it travels through endless time. What the boy felt at that moment was that he was in the presence of the only women in his life, and that, with no need for words, she recognized the same thing. He was more certain of it than anything in the world. He had been told by his grandparents that he must fall in love and really know a person before becoming committed. But maybe people who felt that way had never learned the universal language (love). Because when you know that language, it's easy to understand that someone in the world awaits you, whether it's in the middle of the desert or in some great city.
And when two such people encounter each other, and their eyes meet, the past and the future become unimportant. There is only that moment, and the incredible certainty that everything under the sun has been written by one hand only. It is the hand that evokes love, and creates a twin soul for every person in the world. Without such love, one's dreams would have no meaning" - The Alchemist, pg. 92-93
See I want this. When I'm in the presence of my husband, I want to experience the incredible certainty that everything under the sun has been written by one Hand alone.
I want to know even more fully how big, real, and gracious my God is.
And who knows? Perhaps it won't be some love-at-first-sight, leap-in-the-womb, magic. But it will be that level of certainty. It will be that level of peace. It will be that level of love. My marriage will show me in the deepest of ways, how known I am by my God.
Because love is the outpouring of knowing. Just read Psalm 139.
I won't settle for anything less.
I want to DELIGHT in being single. What would that actually look like? To have consistent joy while single even in the face of others' marriages, engagements, or baby showers?
This is the NEW ANSWER I seek.
Singleness is not meant to be a season of waiting for marriage. I have to tell myself this every day.
Singleness is learning that universal language of Love. Allowing myself to be known and loved by my Husband and learning to love like Him.
What a truly joyous time, really? What are you doing tonight? Oh, being loved by the God of the Universe.
...
It doesn't sound sexy. I can't call my girlfriends and giggle about it. I can't write a sappy facebook status about it (well maybe sometimes).
But, it sure is the real longing of my body, mind, and soul. Right?
So I'll admit. I'm waiting. I'm waiting to meet my soul mate. I have yet to find the answer to my burning question.
But perhaps there are surprises in the waiting. Something even more precious.
Love and waiting
Love and waiting
or maybe this:
Love is waiting.
Friday, September 30, 2011
My Testimony
Haiti part 2:
Hi everyone. My name is Shannon and I want to share about my recent trip to Haiti. Before I begin, a little background: I am a nurse and I went to Haiti on a medical mission through Azusa Pacific University to provide health care in the villages of Northern Haiti.
The fusion of providing health care and serving the poor has been a dream of mine for six years. I have wanted to start a mobile clinic to deliver health care to the most unreached parts of the world. When I graduated nursing school, I asked some of my friends to pray for me and commission me into the profession of nursing. As one of them prayed, my calling was further confirmed. He had a vision of me at the edge of a large river with swift currents. He said I would have to cross this river in order to reach the people I was called to serve. He said on the other side, there would be people waiting for me, because I am meant to love and serve them.
For six years, I have been praying, waiting, studying, saving money, getting rejected from medical school, getting three degrees, all so I could get to those people. On the second day of my trip in Haiti, there we were. I couldn’t believe it! We had to cross a large river to get to a remote area of Haiti where people were waiting for us. They had walked over 5 hours to arrive there for medical care. Many of them had no access to medical care because of the rough terrain they live in.
I stood in front of this river, large currents, cholera-infected. We were required to cross it barefoot because the current would wash our sandals off. It was then that I remembered that vision. In that moment, I realized I was exactly where I was supposed to be.
In that moment, those six years of waiting didn’t matter. All the longing, the heartache, the locked doors, the many No’s faded away. God’s greater Yes always trumps the other No’s. As I crossed the river, I experienced so much joy. When you are in the center of God’s will and living out what you were born to do, He enables you to make unprecedented sacrifices even risking getting cholera. God put that Spirit within me. I arrived at the clinic and we treated over 100 patients and actually saved the lives of three children that day because we were able to transport them to the hospital and give them needed medications. They were in fact waiting for us.
I share this because I am sure many of us have dreams and visions for our lives. Perhaps God told you what you are to do or who you are to be in His kingdom years ago and yet your reality doesn’t seem congruent with what you have heard and been promised. But I want to encourage you and say that our God is always faithful. He will never fail and His word will never return to Him void. His timing is perfect and He will always come through.
And when He does, the pain of that labor leading up to the birthing of your destiny and calling will not only be forgotten, it will be worth it.
I want to leave you with one word I got while in Haiti from Isaiah 49: 1-4
See I gave this testimony weeks ago. But today more than any other day, I needed to remember it. Live it. Revel in that moment. Because it reminds me that God will always come through. He knows the desires, the deepest longings of our hearts. His promises never fail.Monday, September 12, 2011
Till I get there
Today could easily be dismissed. Trivial in the grand scheme of things. But I choose to recognize it. To create an altar so-to-speak. To give praise to a God that knows not the bounds of time.
Today was my first official day seeing patients as a nurse practitioner student. I can't fully explain the elation I felt putting on that lab coat. Cleaning the bell of my stethoscope. I looked in the mirror and wanted to cry.
Many continue on into advanced practice nursing because they want more money, it's the next step, they for some reason want a master's degree, etc. However, being an N.P isn't anything like that for me. It's not the next best thing. It is THE thing. I dreamt about this moment since I was five.
The moment I could put on a lab coat, hang my stethoscope around my neck, and help people. It's all I have EVER wanted. 22 years I've wanted it.
God reminded me of how far I've come in a dream the night before. I was in front of a group of strangers recounting my tragic rejection from med school. The long, grueling journey through community college, nursing school, needle sticks, sleepless night shifts, tear-filled days at work, upteen amount of schooling, all leading up to that "greater yes." The perfect product.
God's yes wasn't getting into medical school right after college. That was indeed my yes. No, God's yes included: medical clinics to Mexico and Haiti, bracelet projects in Kenya, nursing at the bedside, teaching, leadership, mentoring, lifelong learning.
I forgot where I came from. From when I was a unit secretary and couldn't stand the smell of patient rooms. From when I first walked into a patient room and was terrified. From my first injection. From passing the NCLEX. My first time as an independent nurse. My first mobile clinic.
And now today.
It felt so very right. The greater yes always will.
So today, I don't long to get "there." Instead, I praise God for where I am NOW.
For how far He has brought me.
And how faithful He is to see me through all the way.
Amen.
Today was my first official day seeing patients as a nurse practitioner student. I can't fully explain the elation I felt putting on that lab coat. Cleaning the bell of my stethoscope. I looked in the mirror and wanted to cry.
Many continue on into advanced practice nursing because they want more money, it's the next step, they for some reason want a master's degree, etc. However, being an N.P isn't anything like that for me. It's not the next best thing. It is THE thing. I dreamt about this moment since I was five.
The moment I could put on a lab coat, hang my stethoscope around my neck, and help people. It's all I have EVER wanted. 22 years I've wanted it.
God reminded me of how far I've come in a dream the night before. I was in front of a group of strangers recounting my tragic rejection from med school. The long, grueling journey through community college, nursing school, needle sticks, sleepless night shifts, tear-filled days at work, upteen amount of schooling, all leading up to that "greater yes." The perfect product.
God's yes wasn't getting into medical school right after college. That was indeed my yes. No, God's yes included: medical clinics to Mexico and Haiti, bracelet projects in Kenya, nursing at the bedside, teaching, leadership, mentoring, lifelong learning.
I forgot where I came from. From when I was a unit secretary and couldn't stand the smell of patient rooms. From when I first walked into a patient room and was terrified. From my first injection. From passing the NCLEX. My first time as an independent nurse. My first mobile clinic.
And now today.
It felt so very right. The greater yes always will.
So today, I don't long to get "there." Instead, I praise God for where I am NOW.
For how far He has brought me.
And how faithful He is to see me through all the way.
Amen.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Haiti
It would be great to say that my trip to Haiti was revolutionary because we actually made a lasting impact on the health disparity, disease burden, and immense poverty so entrenched in such a beautiful, resourceful, cultured land.
I could fawn about the three children we motor biked to the hospital to receive IV antibiotics and tube feedings for extreme malnourishment and congenital kidney disease.
I could talk about the fact that I fell in love with health care again - the assessing, diagnosing, and treating of patients in order to achieve positive health outcomes. Educating them on symptom relief and drug regimens.
I could talk about the students I taught, how it made my whole life better to see them grasp concepts, fall in love with nursing, develop clinical skills.
I could even lush about the fact that we crossed rivers, cholera-infected rivers barefoot to arrive at make- shift churches, where we turned altars into pharmacies and church pews into pelvic exam tables in order to treat STDs, malaria, and Typhoid fever.
It's all so artistic, noble, self-centered.
But did we really make a difference? What happens when the meds run out, the mosquito bites again, the missionaries leave?
I could say that I even refused to take obligatory pictures with wide-eyed Haitian babies because if I didn't actually care for them, why photograph their plight to placate my own selfish desire to be needed, compassionate, or Christ-like?
But even that is not actually enough. Haiti doesn't need more expert health care providers to come in and care for their sick. They've survived long before we came to "save" them. Haiti doesn't need the cyclical influx of financial and social aid, keeping them in a deceptive web of Western dependency. Perhaps we don't know what Haiti needs because we never stopped to ask. Ask them, Ask Him.
We missed the boat. Somewhere we got lost in our good intentions.
But you see, God's grace is sufficient. Through His infinite mercy and grace, He allowed us to come in with our bleeding hearts. We bled all over those church floors. We bathed our Haitian brothers and sisters with our pitied blood.
And they accepted it because perhaps they know more about servanthood, leadership, and grace than we do. They allowed us to love them and "serve" them because perhaps God told them this: "Actually this will be more about them than you."
So they accepted it. Come in and care for our sick, placate your need to be needed because we can still love you in ways you haven't even learned before.
I'm so humbled by this, my own depravity disgusts me.
But I'll tell you this. Never again will I go with my inflated agenda. Never again will I assume the position of teacher, provider, or expert.
Haiti, Kenya, Sri Lanka, the countries I am called to serve:
You are my teachers. You give me a voice. You tell me which feet to wash and when and how. The temperature of the water, the cloth of the towel. You lead because that is what it means to truly be Christ-like, to be a true servant.
You tell me if you even want my presence. You have every right to reject my bleeding heart.
You are my mentors. You are my partners. I come to dialogue with you. To engage in a global conversation whereby we become mutual partners in our mutual quest for Shalom.
My promise to you is this: I will take what you teach me and I will be your megaphone by God's grace. I will not stop till the world knows of your expertise, of your struggles, of your joys, strengths, and weaknesses. I will scream so they see in you imago dei, till they see you as princes, not paupers. And if you grant me the honor, I will exchange with you the nuggets of wisdom God has given me in my short time on earth - health and non-health related.
I will go to your remotest villages, your war-torn regions, your poverty stricken lands...
All of this,
if you want me to. if You want me to.
Fragmented, chaotic zeal without true love and selflessness is filth. Thinking we who have more materially have a more accurate view of God or health care or life actually reinforces our own poverty and the poverty of those less advantaged than us.
I want to care for the least of these, not perpetuate poverty.
Sometimes, that means this:
Haiti, I was your "least of these," and you took care of me. Thank you for alleviating me of my poverty. Thank you for showing me my poverty of selfishness and lust over love. Thank you to my Haitian brothers and sisters who shamed me with their reverence for Jesus, who shared their intricate beauty with me, who taught me of a culture so rich in history, linguistic variance, and resilience.
Thank you Haiti, for exuding Matthew 25 to the West.
May we follow your example in Christ Jesus.
Je T'aime.
I could fawn about the three children we motor biked to the hospital to receive IV antibiotics and tube feedings for extreme malnourishment and congenital kidney disease.
I could talk about the fact that I fell in love with health care again - the assessing, diagnosing, and treating of patients in order to achieve positive health outcomes. Educating them on symptom relief and drug regimens.
I could talk about the students I taught, how it made my whole life better to see them grasp concepts, fall in love with nursing, develop clinical skills.
I could even lush about the fact that we crossed rivers, cholera-infected rivers barefoot to arrive at make- shift churches, where we turned altars into pharmacies and church pews into pelvic exam tables in order to treat STDs, malaria, and Typhoid fever.
It's all so artistic, noble, self-centered.
But did we really make a difference? What happens when the meds run out, the mosquito bites again, the missionaries leave?
I could say that I even refused to take obligatory pictures with wide-eyed Haitian babies because if I didn't actually care for them, why photograph their plight to placate my own selfish desire to be needed, compassionate, or Christ-like?
But even that is not actually enough. Haiti doesn't need more expert health care providers to come in and care for their sick. They've survived long before we came to "save" them. Haiti doesn't need the cyclical influx of financial and social aid, keeping them in a deceptive web of Western dependency. Perhaps we don't know what Haiti needs because we never stopped to ask. Ask them, Ask Him.
We missed the boat. Somewhere we got lost in our good intentions.
But you see, God's grace is sufficient. Through His infinite mercy and grace, He allowed us to come in with our bleeding hearts. We bled all over those church floors. We bathed our Haitian brothers and sisters with our pitied blood.
And they accepted it because perhaps they know more about servanthood, leadership, and grace than we do. They allowed us to love them and "serve" them because perhaps God told them this: "Actually this will be more about them than you."
So they accepted it. Come in and care for our sick, placate your need to be needed because we can still love you in ways you haven't even learned before.
I'm so humbled by this, my own depravity disgusts me.
But I'll tell you this. Never again will I go with my inflated agenda. Never again will I assume the position of teacher, provider, or expert.
Haiti, Kenya, Sri Lanka, the countries I am called to serve:
You are my teachers. You give me a voice. You tell me which feet to wash and when and how. The temperature of the water, the cloth of the towel. You lead because that is what it means to truly be Christ-like, to be a true servant.
You tell me if you even want my presence. You have every right to reject my bleeding heart.
You are my mentors. You are my partners. I come to dialogue with you. To engage in a global conversation whereby we become mutual partners in our mutual quest for Shalom.
My promise to you is this: I will take what you teach me and I will be your megaphone by God's grace. I will not stop till the world knows of your expertise, of your struggles, of your joys, strengths, and weaknesses. I will scream so they see in you imago dei, till they see you as princes, not paupers. And if you grant me the honor, I will exchange with you the nuggets of wisdom God has given me in my short time on earth - health and non-health related.
I will go to your remotest villages, your war-torn regions, your poverty stricken lands...
All of this,
if you want me to. if You want me to.
Fragmented, chaotic zeal without true love and selflessness is filth. Thinking we who have more materially have a more accurate view of God or health care or life actually reinforces our own poverty and the poverty of those less advantaged than us.
I want to care for the least of these, not perpetuate poverty.
Sometimes, that means this:
Haiti, I was your "least of these," and you took care of me. Thank you for alleviating me of my poverty. Thank you for showing me my poverty of selfishness and lust over love. Thank you to my Haitian brothers and sisters who shamed me with their reverence for Jesus, who shared their intricate beauty with me, who taught me of a culture so rich in history, linguistic variance, and resilience.
Thank you Haiti, for exuding Matthew 25 to the West.
May we follow your example in Christ Jesus.
Je T'aime.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
I Am With You
and then there are some days when you think it won't get worse and it does.
you feel such pain that you actually become numb. this false anesthesia is the only self-protective mechanism left before death.
you'll look in the face of your worst fears.
you'll find in that space your deepest sorrows, things you never wanted to anticipate.
betrayal.
loneliness.
barrenness.
you will look around and find emptiness. and every ounce within you will resist it. get angry. cry. sleep. eat. watch tv. anything to escape.
i have come to this very place. the things i desire the most in my life feel the farthest in this very place.
i wonder if this is how abraham felt as he walked with his son to that mountain. the mountain that would later be called The Lord Provides.
everything he had hoped and prayed for probably felt like a distant memory in that moment. a complete reversal of faith and hope should have happened.
it's in that very moment that God not only saved isaac, He saved abraham too. saved him from ever doubting that God could and will always provide. Saved him from ever doubting that God's word will never return void. Saving him from ever doubting that in giving up everything for God, you gain it back and much more.
he didn't just regain his son. he reached the pinnacle of intimacy with God. an intimacy that produces the willingness to look in the face of nothingness and say, thy will be done. the intimacy that breeds a courage that chooses joy in the face of complete evil and sorrow.
so you see God provided more than just a son. He provided a new life for Abraham in that moment.
I have never felt so viciously sad, lonely, betrayed, and empty in the 26 years on this earth. and yet in this place, i feel peace. because peace and joy come not from circumstances, but from the firm truth that my name is "I am with you."
Miracles often happen in quantized leaps.
Cue physics now please.
you feel such pain that you actually become numb. this false anesthesia is the only self-protective mechanism left before death.
you'll look in the face of your worst fears.
you'll find in that space your deepest sorrows, things you never wanted to anticipate.
betrayal.
loneliness.
barrenness.
you will look around and find emptiness. and every ounce within you will resist it. get angry. cry. sleep. eat. watch tv. anything to escape.
i have come to this very place. the things i desire the most in my life feel the farthest in this very place.
i wonder if this is how abraham felt as he walked with his son to that mountain. the mountain that would later be called The Lord Provides.
everything he had hoped and prayed for probably felt like a distant memory in that moment. a complete reversal of faith and hope should have happened.
it's in that very moment that God not only saved isaac, He saved abraham too. saved him from ever doubting that God could and will always provide. Saved him from ever doubting that God's word will never return void. Saving him from ever doubting that in giving up everything for God, you gain it back and much more.
he didn't just regain his son. he reached the pinnacle of intimacy with God. an intimacy that produces the willingness to look in the face of nothingness and say, thy will be done. the intimacy that breeds a courage that chooses joy in the face of complete evil and sorrow.
so you see God provided more than just a son. He provided a new life for Abraham in that moment.
I have never felt so viciously sad, lonely, betrayed, and empty in the 26 years on this earth. and yet in this place, i feel peace. because peace and joy come not from circumstances, but from the firm truth that my name is "I am with you."
Miracles often happen in quantized leaps.
Cue physics now please.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
You are worth more than many sparrows
Today I realize what I've actually wanted my whole life.
I sought relationships for this. I sought money, degrees, titles, affirmation for this.
All I've actually wanted my whole life is to be protected. Safe. Secure. To know that I belong, that I'm advocated for.
As a young girl I didn't get this. As a young adult I sought this in all the wrong places.
As I young woman, I finally realize the truth:
My Heavenly Father is my protector.
This seems SO basic and yet I never fully understood this.
I don't belong to anyone. God is so jealous over me. He owns me. He takes pride over me. He is for me. He is very concerned with the little and big things in my life. He cares about how much sleep I get, what I eat, what I drink, how I drive, how I talk.
He cares about who my boss is, what I do day-to-day, who I talk to you, who talks to me. I'm not some pawn He takes advantage of.
I'm His precious daughter. He PROTECTS me.
This is a security I've never fully experienced.
It frees me to be fully myself and unto Him knowing that I don't answer to others, but to Him alone. I don't prove myself to anyone but Him.
So I take back my life from the men that I've given my security to. I take back my life from the bosses that don't see my full potential. I take back my life from the people who are jealous of me, think less of me.
I rest securely in the arms of my Protector and Keeper. He is my Portion. He is my body guard.
Matthew 10: 27-31
"What I tell you in the dark, speak in the daylight; what is whispered in your ear, proclaim from the roofs. Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell. Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows."
My Father loves me. My Father protects me. My Father is committed to me.
I seek His face alone.
I sought relationships for this. I sought money, degrees, titles, affirmation for this.
All I've actually wanted my whole life is to be protected. Safe. Secure. To know that I belong, that I'm advocated for.
As a young girl I didn't get this. As a young adult I sought this in all the wrong places.
As I young woman, I finally realize the truth:
My Heavenly Father is my protector.
This seems SO basic and yet I never fully understood this.
I don't belong to anyone. God is so jealous over me. He owns me. He takes pride over me. He is for me. He is very concerned with the little and big things in my life. He cares about how much sleep I get, what I eat, what I drink, how I drive, how I talk.
He cares about who my boss is, what I do day-to-day, who I talk to you, who talks to me. I'm not some pawn He takes advantage of.
I'm His precious daughter. He PROTECTS me.
This is a security I've never fully experienced.
It frees me to be fully myself and unto Him knowing that I don't answer to others, but to Him alone. I don't prove myself to anyone but Him.
So I take back my life from the men that I've given my security to. I take back my life from the bosses that don't see my full potential. I take back my life from the people who are jealous of me, think less of me.
I rest securely in the arms of my Protector and Keeper. He is my Portion. He is my body guard.
Matthew 10: 27-31
"What I tell you in the dark, speak in the daylight; what is whispered in your ear, proclaim from the roofs. Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell. Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows."
My Father loves me. My Father protects me. My Father is committed to me.
I seek His face alone.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
"Do not awaken love until the right time"
You are a beautiful garden. Each seed planted with care, tenderness, precision. You are beautiful, precious, well-watered.
Your fragrance can change the course of nations. Your heart beats with things not yet born. Your heart has the capacity to birth, feed, restore, strengthen.
You are a beautiful garden. Each flower blooming at the sound of its Maker. Each grain of soil placed perfectly to breed life.
Precious, protected, guarded.
This is the heart of a woman. We are wholly different from our other halves. This difference doesn't make us better, it makes us women.
It is in this precious difference that God is actually glorified.
So why write about it?
Because we must protect it. We must protect this precious land. The lavish scent of God's maternity.
We have the capacity to be wives, mothers, women who birth Kingdoms.
Protect it. Don't give it away so easily. Even in a passing conversation. Even in a fleeting comment. Even in a prayer prayed too soon. No one should trod in this garden until He opens the gate. Until he has been given the green light from Him.
And as we protect it, we protect his heart as well. The man destined to be the only one to smell the roses.
Let us not be women too quick to open our hearts and too bold to pry into his.
He too is a well-watered garden, beautiful, generous, deeply rooted. We have no right there until the right time.
I desire to protect his heart even more than I desire to protect my own. His heart, the heart of the one God has for me. Wherever he may be, near or far.
We are gardens, occupied solely by our Maker until He deems it time to make both gardens one, fruitful, open, glorious field.
Until then, my heart belongs only to Him. He is my Lover, my Husband. I adore and worship Him alone until He is ready to share me with another.
The gates are closed. Securely.
And in this security, I rest and revel. Amen.
Your fragrance can change the course of nations. Your heart beats with things not yet born. Your heart has the capacity to birth, feed, restore, strengthen.
You are a beautiful garden. Each flower blooming at the sound of its Maker. Each grain of soil placed perfectly to breed life.
Precious, protected, guarded.
This is the heart of a woman. We are wholly different from our other halves. This difference doesn't make us better, it makes us women.
It is in this precious difference that God is actually glorified.
So why write about it?
Because we must protect it. We must protect this precious land. The lavish scent of God's maternity.
We have the capacity to be wives, mothers, women who birth Kingdoms.
Protect it. Don't give it away so easily. Even in a passing conversation. Even in a fleeting comment. Even in a prayer prayed too soon. No one should trod in this garden until He opens the gate. Until he has been given the green light from Him.
And as we protect it, we protect his heart as well. The man destined to be the only one to smell the roses.
Let us not be women too quick to open our hearts and too bold to pry into his.
He too is a well-watered garden, beautiful, generous, deeply rooted. We have no right there until the right time.
I desire to protect his heart even more than I desire to protect my own. His heart, the heart of the one God has for me. Wherever he may be, near or far.
We are gardens, occupied solely by our Maker until He deems it time to make both gardens one, fruitful, open, glorious field.
Until then, my heart belongs only to Him. He is my Lover, my Husband. I adore and worship Him alone until He is ready to share me with another.
The gates are closed. Securely.
And in this security, I rest and revel. Amen.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
My Cup Overflows
Psalm 23:5 -
You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows
We are not meant to be merely filled. We are meant to overflow. This is radical.
In a world wrought with not-enoughs, or just-enoughs, it's interesting that God's anointing causes our cups to overflow.
The focus is actually not on the overflowing, but on the anointing. I can't stress enough how important it is to wait on that specific timing and specific anointing.
Because when that final puzzle piece fits in place, time no longer has meaning. Things just seem to happen without human initiation.
Praise becomes the only prayer. The only prayer.
Our God is a God of more than enough. A God of not zero to one, but zero to more.
Claim this season now. Claim it beyond your reality, beyond your external circumstances. Dare to believe it into existence.
It is absolutely real. God's power is looking for one person to stand in the gap. To stand up and say, "I want to be used."
Ask, seek, and knock and He will open up the most locked of doors, break down the most hard of iron gates, and level the most tall of mountains.
He will exceed every single time.
My cup overflows.
You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows
We are not meant to be merely filled. We are meant to overflow. This is radical.
In a world wrought with not-enoughs, or just-enoughs, it's interesting that God's anointing causes our cups to overflow.
The focus is actually not on the overflowing, but on the anointing. I can't stress enough how important it is to wait on that specific timing and specific anointing.
Because when that final puzzle piece fits in place, time no longer has meaning. Things just seem to happen without human initiation.
Praise becomes the only prayer. The only prayer.
Our God is a God of more than enough. A God of not zero to one, but zero to more.
Claim this season now. Claim it beyond your reality, beyond your external circumstances. Dare to believe it into existence.
It is absolutely real. God's power is looking for one person to stand in the gap. To stand up and say, "I want to be used."
Ask, seek, and knock and He will open up the most locked of doors, break down the most hard of iron gates, and level the most tall of mountains.
He will exceed every single time.
My cup overflows.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Black Swan Event
Sounds like some new age trend right?
But it's not. Well maybe the phrase is, but in this context it's not. No one thought black swans existed because no one had ever seen one. White swans were the paradigm. White swans were the plausibility structure. How could it exist if we haven't seen it?
This is the way we live, right?. Safe. Possible. So very human. We come to God with our small boxes and say fill it please. But when He looks at our boxes and demolishes them because what He gives is so much greater, we get confused, scared, angry even.
Poor God. All He wants is to bless and give, but we give Him so little room. That's why expanding our tents is so necessary. We must expand to accommodate a big God.
And then there are times when we are so starved for something miraculous that we take something we have done, something wholly human and say, God did this! It's a miracle. That too limits God.
Poor God again. This too is a form of unbelief because we attribute our human doings to a miraculous God. There's a way in which, you can get that job or get that relationship or get well without it being a miracle. Of course, everything is God's grace. Everything. But not everything is a black swan.
A black swan is something unprecedented. Unexpected. It's something that has absolute no basis in human logic. It is something based entirely on the Spirit, but at the same time, relevant in the natural world. It's the exception.
It's something from the OTHER SIDE. It cannot at any point be attributed to one human action. It is a result of God, by His mercy, dropping a sliver of His ineffable power on His planet and breaking every box, every expectation, every false label, transcending every disappointment, and rubbing out every cause for unbelief.
This is a black swan event. It is completely dependent on a God who initiates it and sustains it.
Getting into UCLA, passing the NCLEX, working for Kaiser, these are all God's graces, but these are not black swan events.
I thought I had experienced my black swan event in my family. And I did. God came from the Other Side and healed my parents in ways unimaginable.
And on May 6, 2011, I experienced my second black swan event. It's an out-of-body experience really when you realize you are literally surrounded by nothing familiar, except God's agenda and mighty ways.
We serve a God of Black Swan Events. He LOVES these. In my infantile view of God, I thought I was only allowed one. But God is not stingy. He is not small. And He is more than generous.
Wait for it. Don't pretend other things are black swans because you are scared you'll never experience it. God gives freely and abundantly in His timing.
Wait for it. Praise God in hopeful expectation. It is about timing, not about possibility.
You will know when it happens to you. You won't even feel real. You'll feel carried. You'll feel weightless. You will soar.
Here's to a year of Black Swan Events. We aren't even half way done with 2011...this is exciting!!!
P.S. Black swans were discovered in Perth, Australia in the 18th century. =)
But it's not. Well maybe the phrase is, but in this context it's not. No one thought black swans existed because no one had ever seen one. White swans were the paradigm. White swans were the plausibility structure. How could it exist if we haven't seen it?
This is the way we live, right?. Safe. Possible. So very human. We come to God with our small boxes and say fill it please. But when He looks at our boxes and demolishes them because what He gives is so much greater, we get confused, scared, angry even.
Poor God. All He wants is to bless and give, but we give Him so little room. That's why expanding our tents is so necessary. We must expand to accommodate a big God.
And then there are times when we are so starved for something miraculous that we take something we have done, something wholly human and say, God did this! It's a miracle. That too limits God.
Poor God again. This too is a form of unbelief because we attribute our human doings to a miraculous God. There's a way in which, you can get that job or get that relationship or get well without it being a miracle. Of course, everything is God's grace. Everything. But not everything is a black swan.
A black swan is something unprecedented. Unexpected. It's something that has absolute no basis in human logic. It is something based entirely on the Spirit, but at the same time, relevant in the natural world. It's the exception.
It's something from the OTHER SIDE. It cannot at any point be attributed to one human action. It is a result of God, by His mercy, dropping a sliver of His ineffable power on His planet and breaking every box, every expectation, every false label, transcending every disappointment, and rubbing out every cause for unbelief.
This is a black swan event. It is completely dependent on a God who initiates it and sustains it.
Getting into UCLA, passing the NCLEX, working for Kaiser, these are all God's graces, but these are not black swan events.
I thought I had experienced my black swan event in my family. And I did. God came from the Other Side and healed my parents in ways unimaginable.
And on May 6, 2011, I experienced my second black swan event. It's an out-of-body experience really when you realize you are literally surrounded by nothing familiar, except God's agenda and mighty ways.
We serve a God of Black Swan Events. He LOVES these. In my infantile view of God, I thought I was only allowed one. But God is not stingy. He is not small. And He is more than generous.
Wait for it. Don't pretend other things are black swans because you are scared you'll never experience it. God gives freely and abundantly in His timing.
Wait for it. Praise God in hopeful expectation. It is about timing, not about possibility.
You will know when it happens to you. You won't even feel real. You'll feel carried. You'll feel weightless. You will soar.
Here's to a year of Black Swan Events. We aren't even half way done with 2011...this is exciting!!!
P.S. Black swans were discovered in Perth, Australia in the 18th century. =)
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Sheaves, many sheaves
Today marks the end of a season and the beginning of something new. Very new.
For the last 6 months, I've been through a wilderness unlike anything I have experienced in life.
Battling the darkest of my emotions, the most difficult of illnesses, facing the corpses hidden comfortably and tightly in familiar, closed tombs.
I had been so fruitful, an intercessor, so present to God, my friends, and my family. I had dreams about my future, hopes for a season of light, power, miracles.
And then it all ended. God thrust me into a time of intense pruning, not to end me, but to free me.
I can say this now retrospectively. Because I'm free. Finally.
What did I learn? It's actually really simple, but simultaneously powerful.
God loves me. Fully. Completely.
My God pursues me. He isn't satisfied with surface growth. He isn't satisfied with survival. He wants me to thrive.
God doesn't withhold good things from His children. All good things come from Him.
He shows no favoritism. He is not out to hurt me, but to free me. He wants good for me, even more than I want for myself.
He clears the tombs of my soul. He brings back to life things that I thought were dead. Things that I thought I was ineligible from receiving.
God delivered when I begged for the month of April to be pivotal, to be different.
When Jesus arrived at Lazarus' home town, He had delayed 4 days. Martha and Mary thought it was all lost. No hope. But see God never really delays. Resurrection happened, hope was not lost, miracles were done.
My four days are finally over. The time for resurrection is now. I feel alive again. The tombs that held lies that God is not for me, that God wants me to be alone, that God wants me to suffer, these tombs are empty. Empty.
But see resurrection is not just for new life, but for abundance. I'm ready to be infused back into society again. I'm ready to be back into active duty. God took me out to heal me, free me and now I'm ready to fly.
I want to be more present to God. I want to be more present to my loved ones. I want to look for His agenda in each moment.
I want to walk more boldly and intimately with Him so that I no longer react rashly to things. I want to be so in tune with the Spirit and I know when to speak and when to stay silent. That I know how to really love my friends. So I can grow in the gift of discernment.
I'm ready for the next level of maturity and freedom in Jesus so that He can use me to further His love and kingdom. Not because He needs me, but because He says He wants to use me and can use me!
I want to love people more abundantly. I want others to know this amazing, big, beautiful, faithful God I serve. I want God to launch me into my calling, into leadership, into my clinic, into missions.
I can't wait to see how God exceeds my expectations in every area of my life.
This is what He is best at.
I can truly say that after 6 months of weeping, despair, sorrow, hopelessness, bitterness, anger, mistrust, loneliness and yearning,
God has brought me freedom, peace, joy, and rest.
My crazy semester of school is over. My health is restored. I'm secure in my job and have been asked to be a nurse educator. I'm readying myself for Haiti. I start the clinical portion of my Master's.
And I finally know in my heart and mind that I am fully loved by God.
And as I accept that love from God, my cup overflows. It overflows for His people and for the man God has for me. Wherever and whoever he may be. I submit my husband to my ultimate Husband. Because I know He has the best for me.
I accept Your will for me. I know You love me best. I know You are for me. Thank You for loving me consistently, constantly, and without condition.
I will love You my whole life.
For the last 6 months, I've been through a wilderness unlike anything I have experienced in life.
Battling the darkest of my emotions, the most difficult of illnesses, facing the corpses hidden comfortably and tightly in familiar, closed tombs.
I had been so fruitful, an intercessor, so present to God, my friends, and my family. I had dreams about my future, hopes for a season of light, power, miracles.
And then it all ended. God thrust me into a time of intense pruning, not to end me, but to free me.
I can say this now retrospectively. Because I'm free. Finally.
What did I learn? It's actually really simple, but simultaneously powerful.
God loves me. Fully. Completely.
My God pursues me. He isn't satisfied with surface growth. He isn't satisfied with survival. He wants me to thrive.
God doesn't withhold good things from His children. All good things come from Him.
He shows no favoritism. He is not out to hurt me, but to free me. He wants good for me, even more than I want for myself.
He clears the tombs of my soul. He brings back to life things that I thought were dead. Things that I thought I was ineligible from receiving.
God delivered when I begged for the month of April to be pivotal, to be different.
When Jesus arrived at Lazarus' home town, He had delayed 4 days. Martha and Mary thought it was all lost. No hope. But see God never really delays. Resurrection happened, hope was not lost, miracles were done.
My four days are finally over. The time for resurrection is now. I feel alive again. The tombs that held lies that God is not for me, that God wants me to be alone, that God wants me to suffer, these tombs are empty. Empty.
But see resurrection is not just for new life, but for abundance. I'm ready to be infused back into society again. I'm ready to be back into active duty. God took me out to heal me, free me and now I'm ready to fly.
I want to be more present to God. I want to be more present to my loved ones. I want to look for His agenda in each moment.
I want to walk more boldly and intimately with Him so that I no longer react rashly to things. I want to be so in tune with the Spirit and I know when to speak and when to stay silent. That I know how to really love my friends. So I can grow in the gift of discernment.
I'm ready for the next level of maturity and freedom in Jesus so that He can use me to further His love and kingdom. Not because He needs me, but because He says He wants to use me and can use me!
I want to love people more abundantly. I want others to know this amazing, big, beautiful, faithful God I serve. I want God to launch me into my calling, into leadership, into my clinic, into missions.
I can't wait to see how God exceeds my expectations in every area of my life.
This is what He is best at.
I can truly say that after 6 months of weeping, despair, sorrow, hopelessness, bitterness, anger, mistrust, loneliness and yearning,
God has brought me freedom, peace, joy, and rest.
My crazy semester of school is over. My health is restored. I'm secure in my job and have been asked to be a nurse educator. I'm readying myself for Haiti. I start the clinical portion of my Master's.
And I finally know in my heart and mind that I am fully loved by God.
And as I accept that love from God, my cup overflows. It overflows for His people and for the man God has for me. Wherever and whoever he may be. I submit my husband to my ultimate Husband. Because I know He has the best for me.
I accept Your will for me. I know You love me best. I know You are for me. Thank You for loving me consistently, constantly, and without condition.
I will love You my whole life.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Rest and Praise
Interestingly enough these are the two things God has been speaking to me more than anything else: Rest and Praise.
It's counter to our prideful, like-to-be-busy, God-needs-me, Western personalities that say we must worry, be occupied, be doing something in order for God to use us, bring to pass what He has promised, etc.
But Jesus is so clear in Luke 10:42 - Mary has chosen the better thing AND IT WILL NOT BE TAKEN FROM HER.
We so often think that when we rest and praise we are forgoing other things. We are losing out on something else. But Jesus says that when we rest, listen and worship Him, nothing is taken from us.
In fact, we receive, we are strengthened, we are focused, we are in the only fitting position to relate to our God: on our knees.
This word is sweeping through our generation lately. Obviously God is trying to tell us something and perhaps we should take heed.
This is to be a year of power, of immense things. And I think we went into it thinking we were to have a hand in it. Deep down inside we thought it would be based on something we had to DO.
We were wrong.
It is ALL based on God. That's it. And our only response should be praise. Abiding. Resting.
See rest is tricky. We think it means do nothing. Again, we are wrong.
Rest is not inaction. It is putting to rest our unbelief and praising God in confident and hopeful expectation that He will bring to fruition all He has promised and spoken.
So rest of this magnitude is actually quite active and kind of hard. Really hard.
But as we praise, we create space, we expand our tents and this rest becomes the only thing that sustains.
Enlarging the place of our tent (Isaiah 54) has less to do with giving up things and more to do with praising God so we give Him more room to enter, move in, take up residence. We create a bigger home for Him in our praises.
And remember, praise isn't to give us warm, fuzzy feelings inside. Praise breeds intimacy, intimacy breeds authority, and authority brings down powers and principalities.
Praise is militant and rest is powerful.
No wonder I've been sick for a month so God could finally help me realize the importance of rest and praise in all circumstances.
I get it now.
I want to choose the better thing. The thing that will not be taken from me.
It's counter to our prideful, like-to-be-busy, God-needs-me, Western personalities that say we must worry, be occupied, be doing something in order for God to use us, bring to pass what He has promised, etc.
But Jesus is so clear in Luke 10:42 - Mary has chosen the better thing AND IT WILL NOT BE TAKEN FROM HER.
We so often think that when we rest and praise we are forgoing other things. We are losing out on something else. But Jesus says that when we rest, listen and worship Him, nothing is taken from us.
In fact, we receive, we are strengthened, we are focused, we are in the only fitting position to relate to our God: on our knees.
This word is sweeping through our generation lately. Obviously God is trying to tell us something and perhaps we should take heed.
This is to be a year of power, of immense things. And I think we went into it thinking we were to have a hand in it. Deep down inside we thought it would be based on something we had to DO.
We were wrong.
It is ALL based on God. That's it. And our only response should be praise. Abiding. Resting.
See rest is tricky. We think it means do nothing. Again, we are wrong.
Rest is not inaction. It is putting to rest our unbelief and praising God in confident and hopeful expectation that He will bring to fruition all He has promised and spoken.
So rest of this magnitude is actually quite active and kind of hard. Really hard.
But as we praise, we create space, we expand our tents and this rest becomes the only thing that sustains.
Enlarging the place of our tent (Isaiah 54) has less to do with giving up things and more to do with praising God so we give Him more room to enter, move in, take up residence. We create a bigger home for Him in our praises.
And remember, praise isn't to give us warm, fuzzy feelings inside. Praise breeds intimacy, intimacy breeds authority, and authority brings down powers and principalities.
Praise is militant and rest is powerful.
No wonder I've been sick for a month so God could finally help me realize the importance of rest and praise in all circumstances.
I get it now.
I want to choose the better thing. The thing that will not be taken from me.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
He waits longer than us
I'm so sorry that today I doubted You so intensely that I was ready to give up. Stop going to church, stop praying, stop expecting miracles.
I'm sorry that my humanity is so incapable of housing Your spirit, Your faith, Your will.
I'm sorry that I'm disobedient, rash, and so bad at listening most days.
Thank you that even though I disengaged, You didn't. Even though I fought You, maligned You, questioned Your goodness and faithfulness, You stayed still. You stayed quiet. You didn't even defend Yourself.
You waited. You waited for me to cry it out. Come to an end of my tantrum. You didn't tap Your foot in impatience. You watched in love, collected my tears as I cried, sat next to me.
No matter how hard I try I can't flee from You. I can't give up on You. I can't bring myself to leave You.
You and I are One.
That's not frustrating. It's freeing. It's not annoying, it brings so much peace.
Thank You for not shrinking back from my irrational wrath. You are the only thing good about Me.
It's is only You that shines through Me. That is what is compelling, nothing else.
I love You. I will never stop believing in You. Although I don't fully understand Your ways, I will stay engaged,
not because I have nothing else,
but because You are better than anything else.
I'm sorry that my humanity is so incapable of housing Your spirit, Your faith, Your will.
I'm sorry that I'm disobedient, rash, and so bad at listening most days.
Thank you that even though I disengaged, You didn't. Even though I fought You, maligned You, questioned Your goodness and faithfulness, You stayed still. You stayed quiet. You didn't even defend Yourself.
You waited. You waited for me to cry it out. Come to an end of my tantrum. You didn't tap Your foot in impatience. You watched in love, collected my tears as I cried, sat next to me.
No matter how hard I try I can't flee from You. I can't give up on You. I can't bring myself to leave You.
You and I are One.
That's not frustrating. It's freeing. It's not annoying, it brings so much peace.
Thank You for not shrinking back from my irrational wrath. You are the only thing good about Me.
It's is only You that shines through Me. That is what is compelling, nothing else.
I love You. I will never stop believing in You. Although I don't fully understand Your ways, I will stay engaged,
not because I have nothing else,
but because You are better than anything else.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Claimed
Something is about to change VERY soon. I know we have all been thinking this for months now. But I think our idea of soon is starting to match God's idea of soon.
It's terrifying actually.
Recurrent words: space, abundance, enlarge, delivery, satisfy...
All these things we have been praying for, sobbing over, in utter despair because of...
God is moving in a mighty way. I sense it when I pray. I'm awoken from my sleep because of it. My tears are assuaged by soft whispers from God saying, "The time is now..."
See, it's scary to say all of this out loud. It's even scarier to publicize it. Because we are so scared of being disappointed. We are so scared to pray big prayers and rely on things not seen. Rely on the lack of evidence. To rely on a tiny seed that could so easily be dismissed.
But I wonder if God is waiting on us and not the other way around? Fascinating right?
I wonder if He is waiting for us to have that wild-eyed, run-through-crowds, climb-up-on-trees, challenge-unfair-judges, faith?
I wonder if He is waiting for us to just say, "I don't see it, I could be crazy, But I believe!"
So I say it, loud, purposefully and clear. I believe YOU are about to MOVE. I believe YOU are about to bring to delivery. I believe YOU are clearing a space for a reason. I believe YOU are freeing us to sit at the banquet table with You and enjoy a feast, not scraps.
I believe.
I claim April now. Against all odds. Against all the fears of disappointments or being wrong. I claim it two hours before the month begins.
Isaiah 66: 9
We are ready.
It's terrifying actually.
Recurrent words: space, abundance, enlarge, delivery, satisfy...
All these things we have been praying for, sobbing over, in utter despair because of...
God is moving in a mighty way. I sense it when I pray. I'm awoken from my sleep because of it. My tears are assuaged by soft whispers from God saying, "The time is now..."
See, it's scary to say all of this out loud. It's even scarier to publicize it. Because we are so scared of being disappointed. We are so scared to pray big prayers and rely on things not seen. Rely on the lack of evidence. To rely on a tiny seed that could so easily be dismissed.
But I wonder if God is waiting on us and not the other way around? Fascinating right?
I wonder if He is waiting for us to have that wild-eyed, run-through-crowds, climb-up-on-trees, challenge-unfair-judges, faith?
I wonder if He is waiting for us to just say, "I don't see it, I could be crazy, But I believe!"
So I say it, loud, purposefully and clear. I believe YOU are about to MOVE. I believe YOU are about to bring to delivery. I believe YOU are clearing a space for a reason. I believe YOU are freeing us to sit at the banquet table with You and enjoy a feast, not scraps.
I believe.
I claim April now. Against all odds. Against all the fears of disappointments or being wrong. I claim it two hours before the month begins.
Isaiah 66: 9
We are ready.
Monday, March 21, 2011
The honeymoon is over
but the joy is certainly not.
I had a breakdown this last month regarding my career, calling, in nursing. No one told me how difficult this profession really was. How much risk there was in it. How easy to make mistakes. How simple to hurt someone. How stressful. How many times I'd be washing urine or vomit off my clothing.
I came to an end of myself. Remember...the phrase I just wrote is always the most painful experience, but also completely inevitable when following a God of the universe.
I came to an end of myself. Also, know that God LOVES this. Not because He rejoices in our demise and not even because He rejoices in our humble recognition of our inability. It's actually not about us. He loves this because it is in this willful surrender that He has room to work, to move, to be God.
And He did. I was going to give up. Go part-time. Move to administration. The human heart comes up with many rational compensations when in despair. In the throws of my full mental and physical breakdown, I lifted up my hands and said, You do it, because I can't.
Rest is not inactivity. Rest is taking focus of human doing and action and allowing God to lead. Rest starts with trust. Trust that God not only can use us, but WANTS to.
Do we get that? He wants to use us. If we really understood this, EACH moment would have massive significance. He has an agenda for every situation. Because of His sovereignty and goodness, He is forming us in every instance.
I am privileged to be part of a community of world-changers that speak truth. That say, "Oh so the honeymoon phase of nursing is over, but that doesn't mean it's not what God has for you." It's SO true. I can't commit to this profession and calling based on the warm, fuzzy feelings it gives me. I can't commit to it because of its noble nature and esteem.
These are not enough. Really not. The only way to commit to it and inherit the land is to understand that God has an agenda, wants to use me and sustains me to fulfill His will.
I am also privileged to be able to learn from nursing professors who are women of God and understand firsthand the draining nature of nursing and the inability to really fulfill our purpose as followers of God without abiding in Him.
They know this so well that they published multiple papers on a grounded nursing theory which describes a nurses ability to provide nursing care on God's terms. How is it possible that I get to learn from these people? Seriously?
"Bringing God near" is its name. I needed this. I needed a re-framing of my work, my vocation. I needed God to somehow renew His covenant with me the way He did with Jacob (Genesis 28). I needed to know that I no longer needed to run on the fumes of inconsistent feelings or accolades, but rather the consistency of a God that is always for HIS patients, which includes me.
I am reminded that I am at work for a specific purpose each time. This purpose may not always be so apparent to me in the midst of emergent blood transfusions, projectile vomiting or rapid cardiac rhythms (that describes one shift, btw).
We can't follow God based on external circumstances. That's why faith is in things not seen. It's about trusting that God WANTS to use me each time I step onto that hospital floor. Even more so, trusting that God wants to use us each time we wake up and breathe the words, Thy will be done.
This weekend at work, God did some much needed heart surgery. This time, my surgeons were my patients and I was the one on the table. They gave me spiritual advice, they gave me a hug, they reminded me that I didn't choose, but was chosen. That I was called. That every day I go to work I am answering that call, being obedient to a God that is so worthy of it.
"A nurse that is intent on trusting God leaves room for God to act."
This is the kind of nurse I want to be. Even in the midst of the immense storms, the maze of confusion, that overwhelming feeling that I'm not going to make it.
So I re-commit to my calling. I really do love it. I praise God that He knows how much I can take and really does fill cups not to the brim, but to overflow.
So it's ok that I need more than just liking my job to get through it. Just like in a marriage, you need more than love for it to really last. You need a God that is committed to you as you commit to what ever it is He has for you.
I declare boldly that I am at the end of myself. Because when we realize we can't do it, that's when God does it all. Something about His grace being sufficient and His POWER made perfect in weakness.
His POWER is made perfect in weakness. That is significant. It's not just any aspect of God that is made perfect in weakness, but His power.
Here's to an age of power.
I had a breakdown this last month regarding my career, calling, in nursing. No one told me how difficult this profession really was. How much risk there was in it. How easy to make mistakes. How simple to hurt someone. How stressful. How many times I'd be washing urine or vomit off my clothing.
I came to an end of myself. Remember...the phrase I just wrote is always the most painful experience, but also completely inevitable when following a God of the universe.
I came to an end of myself. Also, know that God LOVES this. Not because He rejoices in our demise and not even because He rejoices in our humble recognition of our inability. It's actually not about us. He loves this because it is in this willful surrender that He has room to work, to move, to be God.
And He did. I was going to give up. Go part-time. Move to administration. The human heart comes up with many rational compensations when in despair. In the throws of my full mental and physical breakdown, I lifted up my hands and said, You do it, because I can't.
Rest is not inactivity. Rest is taking focus of human doing and action and allowing God to lead. Rest starts with trust. Trust that God not only can use us, but WANTS to.
Do we get that? He wants to use us. If we really understood this, EACH moment would have massive significance. He has an agenda for every situation. Because of His sovereignty and goodness, He is forming us in every instance.
I am privileged to be part of a community of world-changers that speak truth. That say, "Oh so the honeymoon phase of nursing is over, but that doesn't mean it's not what God has for you." It's SO true. I can't commit to this profession and calling based on the warm, fuzzy feelings it gives me. I can't commit to it because of its noble nature and esteem.
These are not enough. Really not. The only way to commit to it and inherit the land is to understand that God has an agenda, wants to use me and sustains me to fulfill His will.
I am also privileged to be able to learn from nursing professors who are women of God and understand firsthand the draining nature of nursing and the inability to really fulfill our purpose as followers of God without abiding in Him.
They know this so well that they published multiple papers on a grounded nursing theory which describes a nurses ability to provide nursing care on God's terms. How is it possible that I get to learn from these people? Seriously?
"Bringing God near" is its name. I needed this. I needed a re-framing of my work, my vocation. I needed God to somehow renew His covenant with me the way He did with Jacob (Genesis 28). I needed to know that I no longer needed to run on the fumes of inconsistent feelings or accolades, but rather the consistency of a God that is always for HIS patients, which includes me.
I am reminded that I am at work for a specific purpose each time. This purpose may not always be so apparent to me in the midst of emergent blood transfusions, projectile vomiting or rapid cardiac rhythms (that describes one shift, btw).
We can't follow God based on external circumstances. That's why faith is in things not seen. It's about trusting that God WANTS to use me each time I step onto that hospital floor. Even more so, trusting that God wants to use us each time we wake up and breathe the words, Thy will be done.
This weekend at work, God did some much needed heart surgery. This time, my surgeons were my patients and I was the one on the table. They gave me spiritual advice, they gave me a hug, they reminded me that I didn't choose, but was chosen. That I was called. That every day I go to work I am answering that call, being obedient to a God that is so worthy of it.
"A nurse that is intent on trusting God leaves room for God to act."
This is the kind of nurse I want to be. Even in the midst of the immense storms, the maze of confusion, that overwhelming feeling that I'm not going to make it.
So I re-commit to my calling. I really do love it. I praise God that He knows how much I can take and really does fill cups not to the brim, but to overflow.
So it's ok that I need more than just liking my job to get through it. Just like in a marriage, you need more than love for it to really last. You need a God that is committed to you as you commit to what ever it is He has for you.
I declare boldly that I am at the end of myself. Because when we realize we can't do it, that's when God does it all. Something about His grace being sufficient and His POWER made perfect in weakness.
His POWER is made perfect in weakness. That is significant. It's not just any aspect of God that is made perfect in weakness, but His power.
Here's to an age of power.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
For such a time as this
This is a crucial time we all know.
We feel it. We sense it. We pray and God confirms it. We talk about it with one another and we are further convinced.
We look around the world and we see how desperate we are for answers. We need more food. We need lower gas prices. We need to know what nuclear radiation leaks mean. But mostly we need to know why and what for and what's next?
What's next?
So many of us in this generation have received a word or have a hunch or just instinctively know there is something great ahead. Something new. Something big.
However, we are shriveling up in the waiting. In the longing, we writhe.
It's like being 42 weeks pregnant with massive labor pains but no induction.
I want to give birth to it. I want it out of me. I want it's life to take form. The waiting is toxic. It invades my arteries, my veins. It pervades my sleep states.
Isaiah 49 describes this moment. This very moment.
"Before I was born the Lord called me; from my birth he has made mention of my name. He said to me, 'You are my servant, in whom I will display my splendor.'"
See, but then he says,
"But I said, 'I have labored to no purpose; I have spent my strength in vain for nothing.'"
Don't you feel like that some days, most days? I've been in school for an obscene amount of time. I've been talking about starting a clinic for six years.
"' Yet what is due me is in the Lord's hand, and my reward is with my God."'
That is the turning point. You see when he allows belief to overcome what he doesn't see, then God begins to speak. He speaks ever so loudly. The rest of that chapter God speaks.
So I wait on God. I worship Him in all circumstances. There is nothing else.
We feel it. We sense it. We pray and God confirms it. We talk about it with one another and we are further convinced.
We look around the world and we see how desperate we are for answers. We need more food. We need lower gas prices. We need to know what nuclear radiation leaks mean. But mostly we need to know why and what for and what's next?
What's next?
So many of us in this generation have received a word or have a hunch or just instinctively know there is something great ahead. Something new. Something big.
However, we are shriveling up in the waiting. In the longing, we writhe.
It's like being 42 weeks pregnant with massive labor pains but no induction.
I want to give birth to it. I want it out of me. I want it's life to take form. The waiting is toxic. It invades my arteries, my veins. It pervades my sleep states.
Isaiah 49 describes this moment. This very moment.
"Before I was born the Lord called me; from my birth he has made mention of my name. He said to me, 'You are my servant, in whom I will display my splendor.'"
See, but then he says,
"But I said, 'I have labored to no purpose; I have spent my strength in vain for nothing.'"
Don't you feel like that some days, most days? I've been in school for an obscene amount of time. I've been talking about starting a clinic for six years.
"' Yet what is due me is in the Lord's hand, and my reward is with my God."'
That is the turning point. You see when he allows belief to overcome what he doesn't see, then God begins to speak. He speaks ever so loudly. The rest of that chapter God speaks.
So I wait on God. I worship Him in all circumstances. There is nothing else.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Perhaps one of the most important blogs I'll write
because i never realized how real the battle was until friday - 2/25/11. on the same day, i witnessed the birth of a specific redemption, a redemption i unknowingly prayed for since age 7.
see it's real because just 24 hours before i went through it, my pastor did too. the EXACT same battle. We looked at one another today and laughed - satan really is that unoriginal..and real.
because on that night, i thought my life was over. i thought i had lost it - full on psychotic break. but God was so much more real in that moment. i thought i saw him. sitting quietly next to me, watching me intently, not letting anything actually touch me although i felt like death was upon me.
but see the closer you are to actually working the works of God, the more intense the battle will get. the more dependent we will become on God. the more we will realize that we are all that close to insanity and death, but for the MERCY of God.
and the mercy of God is SO powerful. I've spent 8 weeks studying it now. Mercy is the most powerful attribute of God - it is the basis of humanity's salvation. Eschatological hope. Research it.
All of our inclinations are actually true: everything is spiritual. everything is a battle. we can be steadfast even if we have emotional ups and downs. growth can be in fact exponential, years of growth can be contracted into weeks, months at God's command. we can be used - the Holy Spirit isn't just for one person - to believe otherwise is actually a sin. 2011 is the year of power.
This is what else: God is light. When His light shines, it really does feel like darkness. Also, it's ok to not know. Most of living a life that makes dents in the universe involves a lot more unknowing and way less control.
Reverent disciplined unknowing.
The reverent part is key. KEY. Reverence means letting go of our own agendas and need for knowing. Letting go of our need for an easy life. Reverence means coming out of our place and going to God's.
There is a time to be fed and wait for God to meet us where we are at, and then there's a time to run with full force toward where God is. Because where He is, there is power. Because where He is, there are miracles. Because where He is, we are truly free.
And get ready. So very ready for the battle. It will NOT end you. But it will end any belief you had that you could do it on your own.
So she prayed about a jewel. She prayed about a well, three steps and light. She prayed about primary water over secondary water for thirst. But most of all she prayed this:
Stay tuned for greatness.
see it's real because just 24 hours before i went through it, my pastor did too. the EXACT same battle. We looked at one another today and laughed - satan really is that unoriginal..and real.
because on that night, i thought my life was over. i thought i had lost it - full on psychotic break. but God was so much more real in that moment. i thought i saw him. sitting quietly next to me, watching me intently, not letting anything actually touch me although i felt like death was upon me.
but see the closer you are to actually working the works of God, the more intense the battle will get. the more dependent we will become on God. the more we will realize that we are all that close to insanity and death, but for the MERCY of God.
and the mercy of God is SO powerful. I've spent 8 weeks studying it now. Mercy is the most powerful attribute of God - it is the basis of humanity's salvation. Eschatological hope. Research it.
All of our inclinations are actually true: everything is spiritual. everything is a battle. we can be steadfast even if we have emotional ups and downs. growth can be in fact exponential, years of growth can be contracted into weeks, months at God's command. we can be used - the Holy Spirit isn't just for one person - to believe otherwise is actually a sin. 2011 is the year of power.
This is what else: God is light. When His light shines, it really does feel like darkness. Also, it's ok to not know. Most of living a life that makes dents in the universe involves a lot more unknowing and way less control.
Reverent disciplined unknowing.
The reverent part is key. KEY. Reverence means letting go of our own agendas and need for knowing. Letting go of our need for an easy life. Reverence means coming out of our place and going to God's.
There is a time to be fed and wait for God to meet us where we are at, and then there's a time to run with full force toward where God is. Because where He is, there is power. Because where He is, there are miracles. Because where He is, we are truly free.
And get ready. So very ready for the battle. It will NOT end you. But it will end any belief you had that you could do it on your own.
So she prayed about a jewel. She prayed about a well, three steps and light. She prayed about primary water over secondary water for thirst. But most of all she prayed this:
Stay tuned for greatness.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
"All we have is given us"
"The more we look to God, the more our fear deepens, at first. We realize how utterly poor we are. We are utterly dependent on what is given us - life itself. Nothing finally belongs to us; nothing in us is autonomous. All is held in our relationships with other people and with the mysterious source of being. We must see that whatever we have we have in dialogue, in contingency, in connection with others who are beyond us and beyond our ultimate control. Even what is lovable in us depends on someone else's recognizing it and bringing it out in the open.
When we have an inner conviction of this destitution, we see with utmost clarity that sin is refusal of this poverty. Sin's major way of tempting us is through stupidity of heart, the privation of knowledge.
God acts like a parent toward us, loving us, endowing us and at the same time setting us free to find our own resources and responses. The poverty we so fear becomes the entrance to our inner riches: we own nothing, we possess no one. To take this way of poverty wakes us up to the plenitude that daily is given us.
All we have is given us, and given (we will see if we look hard enough) in abundance." - Ulanov, Primary Speech
When we have an inner conviction of this destitution, we see with utmost clarity that sin is refusal of this poverty. Sin's major way of tempting us is through stupidity of heart, the privation of knowledge.
God acts like a parent toward us, loving us, endowing us and at the same time setting us free to find our own resources and responses. The poverty we so fear becomes the entrance to our inner riches: we own nothing, we possess no one. To take this way of poverty wakes us up to the plenitude that daily is given us.
All we have is given us, and given (we will see if we look hard enough) in abundance." - Ulanov, Primary Speech
Saturday, February 12, 2011
But you...
and then there are nights where you will give and give of yourself and it won't be enough.
you try to do the right thing and people will still look at you like you're crazy.
you will be given authority only for that authority to be questioned, maligned, spit at, criticized. most of the time by the people you really trusted. by the people you love the most.
BUT YOU will move forward. you will move forward so much that you will be alone. ALONE.
don't be surprised when you look around and it's just you, holding your staff, wondering...now what?
but you will have loved. you will have served. you will have stayed obedient.
people look at me and think why her? and yet in their heart of hearts KNOW I am for them. i care. without me they couldn't have done it. because I was chosen. I didn't choose.
so i will continue. march forward. not for them. not for you. but because He calls.
it's so lonely. it's so tiring. it's so worth it.
you try to do the right thing and people will still look at you like you're crazy.
you will be given authority only for that authority to be questioned, maligned, spit at, criticized. most of the time by the people you really trusted. by the people you love the most.
BUT YOU will move forward. you will move forward so much that you will be alone. ALONE.
don't be surprised when you look around and it's just you, holding your staff, wondering...now what?
but you will have loved. you will have served. you will have stayed obedient.
people look at me and think why her? and yet in their heart of hearts KNOW I am for them. i care. without me they couldn't have done it. because I was chosen. I didn't choose.
so i will continue. march forward. not for them. not for you. but because He calls.
it's so lonely. it's so tiring. it's so worth it.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
The Primacy of Prayer
It's been 31 days into this year and already it's yielded so much. SO much.
However, I want to spend the next 334 days and the rest of my life with the following words at the forefront of my existence. It's not new. It's not revolutionary. But it's that important and has been presented so wonderfully in only the 2nd chapter of the book I'm required to read for my Master's degree in nursing from APU.
So here goes, from A Psychology of Prayer: Primary Speech by Ann and Barry Ulanov.
Excerpts from the chapter on prayer and desire:
"God does not need to be told anything about what we need and want. We discover this way what in fact we do desire, what we want to reach out to and love. Thus we come to hold in open awareness what before we had lived unknowingly.
Prayer entered into seriously marks an unmistakable break with the way we have been living. It is never simple another happy little part of our lives, an attractive addition to the day or the night like a new car or a new dress or a fetching new way to prepare a souffle.
Prayer is the place we sort out our desires and where we are ourselves sorted out by the desires we choose to follow. Desire leads to more desire. And the greatest surprise of all is that the prayer we thought to be our own activity, our own reaching out, reveals itself instead as God's Spirit moving in us. Our curiosity and desire to know, we see, are the force of the knower seeking the known.
One of the immediate effects of paying attention in prayer to our own desires, whatever they may be, is to experience changes in the desires. We feel them opening, steadying, and deepening. We have moments of uprush of desire, of going out of ourselves in acts of impulsive kindness, of a sudden talking to ourselves in ourselves where we divulge what we really think and feel, what really matters to us. In prayer, desires are disciplined, not in the sense of being restricted or held on a tight rein, but rather in the sense of being given their appropriate space. They no longer gush through us and disappear. Instead, they form a consistent flow of reliable good will toward ourselves and others."
It's SO true. So true. We really don't know what we want. But in prayer, it really is sorted out. In prayer, God begins to unearth His desires for our lives. Everything we think we need we actually already have. Seriously. That's true because Jesus' death was NOT the end of the story.
We no longer need to seek God like greedy children. We no longer need to tell Him what He already knows. But as we pray, let us be open to an intense ordering, which may feel like chaos because that's what treasures in jars of clay look like.
We don't really ever initiate anything. God is the initiator of all things. Desires, dreams, passions, callings. We focus much too much on ourselves.
I'll give you an example. For the last 5 years, I've wanted to start a mobile clinic to deliver health care to urban slums in Africa and South Asia.
Today, I want to start a revolution. I want to build hospitals run by the Holy Spirit. I want to change the face of hospitals in America. I want to publish a paper, perhaps even a book, develop a nursing model based on Christ. I want to go to villages yet to be discovered and tell them about the God I serve. And then I want to come back to the West and shame them with the joy and faith I see in those who have nothing.
Three months ago I wanted to get married. Today, I want to get married, but I want to wait for a man that can teach ME something, lead ME. Someone who brings me to my knees in awe because he is that in love with my God, that committed to loving others and that committed to changing nations.
Yes, desires change. They fizzle out as flames and come back as raging fires.
Primacy of prayer. Prayer is the currency through which we handle KINGDOM affairs. You want to start an orphanage, raise some money, sign some papers and do it. It's not that hard.
You want see those orphans become presidents of nations - pray. Pray, wait and submit to a God much bigger than we know.
Pray, not because you are so in need. Neediness is a given, boring, like defecation. Pray because God so desperately wants to break free and enlarge you, equip you, defeat Goliaths through you. Pray because you were created to be in communication with your Maker, just as a car was created to be driven.
Make it the center. You will be unrecognizable. Guaranteed.
However, I want to spend the next 334 days and the rest of my life with the following words at the forefront of my existence. It's not new. It's not revolutionary. But it's that important and has been presented so wonderfully in only the 2nd chapter of the book I'm required to read for my Master's degree in nursing from APU.
So here goes, from A Psychology of Prayer: Primary Speech by Ann and Barry Ulanov.
Excerpts from the chapter on prayer and desire:
"God does not need to be told anything about what we need and want. We discover this way what in fact we do desire, what we want to reach out to and love. Thus we come to hold in open awareness what before we had lived unknowingly.
Prayer entered into seriously marks an unmistakable break with the way we have been living. It is never simple another happy little part of our lives, an attractive addition to the day or the night like a new car or a new dress or a fetching new way to prepare a souffle.
Prayer is the place we sort out our desires and where we are ourselves sorted out by the desires we choose to follow. Desire leads to more desire. And the greatest surprise of all is that the prayer we thought to be our own activity, our own reaching out, reveals itself instead as God's Spirit moving in us. Our curiosity and desire to know, we see, are the force of the knower seeking the known.
One of the immediate effects of paying attention in prayer to our own desires, whatever they may be, is to experience changes in the desires. We feel them opening, steadying, and deepening. We have moments of uprush of desire, of going out of ourselves in acts of impulsive kindness, of a sudden talking to ourselves in ourselves where we divulge what we really think and feel, what really matters to us. In prayer, desires are disciplined, not in the sense of being restricted or held on a tight rein, but rather in the sense of being given their appropriate space. They no longer gush through us and disappear. Instead, they form a consistent flow of reliable good will toward ourselves and others."
It's SO true. So true. We really don't know what we want. But in prayer, it really is sorted out. In prayer, God begins to unearth His desires for our lives. Everything we think we need we actually already have. Seriously. That's true because Jesus' death was NOT the end of the story.
We no longer need to seek God like greedy children. We no longer need to tell Him what He already knows. But as we pray, let us be open to an intense ordering, which may feel like chaos because that's what treasures in jars of clay look like.
We don't really ever initiate anything. God is the initiator of all things. Desires, dreams, passions, callings. We focus much too much on ourselves.
I'll give you an example. For the last 5 years, I've wanted to start a mobile clinic to deliver health care to urban slums in Africa and South Asia.
Today, I want to start a revolution. I want to build hospitals run by the Holy Spirit. I want to change the face of hospitals in America. I want to publish a paper, perhaps even a book, develop a nursing model based on Christ. I want to go to villages yet to be discovered and tell them about the God I serve. And then I want to come back to the West and shame them with the joy and faith I see in those who have nothing.
Three months ago I wanted to get married. Today, I want to get married, but I want to wait for a man that can teach ME something, lead ME. Someone who brings me to my knees in awe because he is that in love with my God, that committed to loving others and that committed to changing nations.
Yes, desires change. They fizzle out as flames and come back as raging fires.
Primacy of prayer. Prayer is the currency through which we handle KINGDOM affairs. You want to start an orphanage, raise some money, sign some papers and do it. It's not that hard.
You want see those orphans become presidents of nations - pray. Pray, wait and submit to a God much bigger than we know.
Pray, not because you are so in need. Neediness is a given, boring, like defecation. Pray because God so desperately wants to break free and enlarge you, equip you, defeat Goliaths through you. Pray because you were created to be in communication with your Maker, just as a car was created to be driven.
Make it the center. You will be unrecognizable. Guaranteed.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Know
You really do have to.
You have to know what you are about. Deep down. In the recesses of your being. In a place that can be shaken, but never moved.
Because you WILL be questioned. You WILL be tested. You will be criticized, maligned, made to feel inferior. You WILL be loved in ways that turn out to actually be unhealthy.
And to really make a dent in the world, you have to come out of it not with revenge, but love.
The closer I get to God and ask for HIS love for people, the more I stop caring about others.
What I mean is caring for others in the self-focused, futile way I've been.
The closer I get to God and ask for HIS love for people, the less I care about people's opinions about me and the things they think they care about or I should care about.
I care way less about pleasing them and being on their team.
I am developing an aversion to agreeing with people when I know what they are doing is stupid.
I would much rather see the people I love prosper and live the best life possible, than placate them in their mediocrity because THIS is real love.
This may sound arrogant, but truth is truth. And while we must never condemn others, we do have the ability to discern what's life-giving and what's not. It's called a conscience. Oh and prayer. Oh and giving a shit.
I didn't get this before. I thought it was always about being the nice girl. The one that says the right thing so everyone stays my friend and I'm not the bad guy. The well-liked one. That push over. The one that ruffles no feathers, but hey I still have 400 friends on facebook...
But the thing about this is this: it's fruitless. The friendships remain the same and neither person actually gains anything from it.
No, but on a way more important level: it's actually not honoring to God to live this way. He said lay down one's life for a friend, not live a spineless life so the friendship remains intact.
See, that makes it serious.
And it all goes back to knowing who you are and who you live for. In the midst of all the haters, the irate doctors, the backstabbing co-workers, the friends that come and go, the parents that love only when convenient, the men who love you so well most of the time...
In the midst of the man that sends you flowers every other day, the friends that quote your fb status because they have you on a pedestal, the nursing executives who applaud your work, the 1000 friends on twitter who support your art, the pastor who applauds you...
In the midst of all these negative and positive things, you have to know where your lot lies.
You know you have life and worth in something when in its being taken away, you are DESTROYED, decimated, lost.
You really shouldn't have THAT much life in anything except God because everything else is fleeting, temporary, unreliable.
God may be unpredictable, but He's always reliable. That much I know.
See knowing who you are frees you up to really love people, haters and friends alike. That man in your life that you love but maybe shouldn't be so close to just yet. That parent in your life you have ignored because it's easier to avoid him or her. That friend that is so co-dependent but you haven't had the heart to let go of because it placates some unholy need within you to be needed.
Most of the time true love looks REALLY different than what comes naturally to us. Love is sometimes the opposite of the obvious. Sometimes it's silence, sometimes it's more No's than Yes. Sometimes it's distance and not proximity.
And the way you judge, is by fruit. If your actions propel loved ones forward, frees them like a bird, enables them to reach that ultimate level of self-actualization that is so damn pleasing to their Creator, then you've loved.
Confession: I haven't done a whole lot of that in my life.
Think about it, when Jesus walked on earth, He wasn't always cheery and so accessible. Many times He withdrew to a distant, quite place, He overthrew tables, He even said No to His mother.
Not out of bitterness or malice, but out of love. Out of a knowledge of a greater purpose for those He loved.
So as I plead with God to fill me with His real and true love for His world, I realize that I need an emptying of my false love, my natural tendency to love from my own sense of good and people-pleasing.
It's freeing to know we aren't capable of true love for anything or anyone. We really don't know what we desire.
This only propels me closer to God, knowing that only He can fill me in a way that bears much fruit. Fruit that is glorifying to Him and finally spreads HIS much needed love to the corner of the world He has so graciously given over to me.
For when we are weak, He is strong. Praise God.
Amen.
You have to know what you are about. Deep down. In the recesses of your being. In a place that can be shaken, but never moved.
Because you WILL be questioned. You WILL be tested. You will be criticized, maligned, made to feel inferior. You WILL be loved in ways that turn out to actually be unhealthy.
And to really make a dent in the world, you have to come out of it not with revenge, but love.
The closer I get to God and ask for HIS love for people, the more I stop caring about others.
What I mean is caring for others in the self-focused, futile way I've been.
The closer I get to God and ask for HIS love for people, the less I care about people's opinions about me and the things they think they care about or I should care about.
I care way less about pleasing them and being on their team.
I am developing an aversion to agreeing with people when I know what they are doing is stupid.
I would much rather see the people I love prosper and live the best life possible, than placate them in their mediocrity because THIS is real love.
This may sound arrogant, but truth is truth. And while we must never condemn others, we do have the ability to discern what's life-giving and what's not. It's called a conscience. Oh and prayer. Oh and giving a shit.
I didn't get this before. I thought it was always about being the nice girl. The one that says the right thing so everyone stays my friend and I'm not the bad guy. The well-liked one. That push over. The one that ruffles no feathers, but hey I still have 400 friends on facebook...
But the thing about this is this: it's fruitless. The friendships remain the same and neither person actually gains anything from it.
No, but on a way more important level: it's actually not honoring to God to live this way. He said lay down one's life for a friend, not live a spineless life so the friendship remains intact.
See, that makes it serious.
And it all goes back to knowing who you are and who you live for. In the midst of all the haters, the irate doctors, the backstabbing co-workers, the friends that come and go, the parents that love only when convenient, the men who love you so well most of the time...
In the midst of the man that sends you flowers every other day, the friends that quote your fb status because they have you on a pedestal, the nursing executives who applaud your work, the 1000 friends on twitter who support your art, the pastor who applauds you...
In the midst of all these negative and positive things, you have to know where your lot lies.
You know you have life and worth in something when in its being taken away, you are DESTROYED, decimated, lost.
You really shouldn't have THAT much life in anything except God because everything else is fleeting, temporary, unreliable.
God may be unpredictable, but He's always reliable. That much I know.
See knowing who you are frees you up to really love people, haters and friends alike. That man in your life that you love but maybe shouldn't be so close to just yet. That parent in your life you have ignored because it's easier to avoid him or her. That friend that is so co-dependent but you haven't had the heart to let go of because it placates some unholy need within you to be needed.
Most of the time true love looks REALLY different than what comes naturally to us. Love is sometimes the opposite of the obvious. Sometimes it's silence, sometimes it's more No's than Yes. Sometimes it's distance and not proximity.
And the way you judge, is by fruit. If your actions propel loved ones forward, frees them like a bird, enables them to reach that ultimate level of self-actualization that is so damn pleasing to their Creator, then you've loved.
Confession: I haven't done a whole lot of that in my life.
Think about it, when Jesus walked on earth, He wasn't always cheery and so accessible. Many times He withdrew to a distant, quite place, He overthrew tables, He even said No to His mother.
Not out of bitterness or malice, but out of love. Out of a knowledge of a greater purpose for those He loved.
So as I plead with God to fill me with His real and true love for His world, I realize that I need an emptying of my false love, my natural tendency to love from my own sense of good and people-pleasing.
It's freeing to know we aren't capable of true love for anything or anyone. We really don't know what we desire.
This only propels me closer to God, knowing that only He can fill me in a way that bears much fruit. Fruit that is glorifying to Him and finally spreads HIS much needed love to the corner of the world He has so graciously given over to me.
For when we are weak, He is strong. Praise God.
Amen.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Single
It is sobering when you realize how much your thoughts are NOT His thoughts. How your ways are so NOT His ways.
No matter how sure you are of anything, all must be submitted unto Him and His purposes. All must be clarified. All must be held loosely. He really does give and take away.
I am learning now that hearing from God is a lifelong process that will include many, many mistakes, misinterpretations and setbacks. Not because God isn't clear or because He is one of confusion.
But because we are just simply that inadequate. Because it's like a lion trying to talk to an ant. But by His immense mercy, He so desperately wants to speak, to enlighten, to communicate. Treasures in jars of clay. We are the clay jars and He is our treasure. Why He chose to take up residence in such an inopportune place, I'll never know. I mean Jesus was born in a stable so go figure.
This process of hearing, in my experience, is toughest when it comes to matters of the heart. This could mean relationships, jobs we think we really want, destinies we feel we've been promised, etc.
So many times the things we think we really desire amount to lust. Temporary fixes based on emotion and not fire.
I am only now figuring out what I REALLY desire. And that's because I am now only realizing that I want this desire to come from the Other Side and not from myself. I want a deposit from the Most High. Not something based on my social preferences, my talents, my whims, my bleeding heart, my neediness.
More importantly, I realize now that this deposit should and has to come now when I am single. Before I give my heart over to any earthly man. Because it's true, no matter how much you disagree, the way you interact and give of yourself to God will be wholly different when married. That's just the truth.
So I re-commit to this time of singleness. I want it to result in immense fruit, fruit that is wrought from an intimacy with God that is unique to singleness. I proclaim to my God that it is in fact an honor that I have lived all these years with only Him to lean on, watch sunsets with, turn to in times of need and joy.
Today, I feel so blessed to be single. I am so excited to receive that deposit. To be ignited in a way that doesn't need human hype or human doing. But to be released into my purpose so fully that I become relentless, an animal.
Son of David, have mercy on me! Fill me with love and desire that will tilt nations. I'm ready.
No matter how sure you are of anything, all must be submitted unto Him and His purposes. All must be clarified. All must be held loosely. He really does give and take away.
I am learning now that hearing from God is a lifelong process that will include many, many mistakes, misinterpretations and setbacks. Not because God isn't clear or because He is one of confusion.
But because we are just simply that inadequate. Because it's like a lion trying to talk to an ant. But by His immense mercy, He so desperately wants to speak, to enlighten, to communicate. Treasures in jars of clay. We are the clay jars and He is our treasure. Why He chose to take up residence in such an inopportune place, I'll never know. I mean Jesus was born in a stable so go figure.
This process of hearing, in my experience, is toughest when it comes to matters of the heart. This could mean relationships, jobs we think we really want, destinies we feel we've been promised, etc.
So many times the things we think we really desire amount to lust. Temporary fixes based on emotion and not fire.
I am only now figuring out what I REALLY desire. And that's because I am now only realizing that I want this desire to come from the Other Side and not from myself. I want a deposit from the Most High. Not something based on my social preferences, my talents, my whims, my bleeding heart, my neediness.
More importantly, I realize now that this deposit should and has to come now when I am single. Before I give my heart over to any earthly man. Because it's true, no matter how much you disagree, the way you interact and give of yourself to God will be wholly different when married. That's just the truth.
So I re-commit to this time of singleness. I want it to result in immense fruit, fruit that is wrought from an intimacy with God that is unique to singleness. I proclaim to my God that it is in fact an honor that I have lived all these years with only Him to lean on, watch sunsets with, turn to in times of need and joy.
Today, I feel so blessed to be single. I am so excited to receive that deposit. To be ignited in a way that doesn't need human hype or human doing. But to be released into my purpose so fully that I become relentless, an animal.
Son of David, have mercy on me! Fill me with love and desire that will tilt nations. I'm ready.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
The Year of God's Power: 2011
Psalm 126
When the LORD restored the fortunes of Zion,
we were like those who dreamed.
Our mouths were filled with laughter,
our tongues with songs of joy.
Then it was said among the nations,
“The LORD has done great things for them.”
The LORD has done great things for us,
and we are filled with joy.
When the LORD restored the fortunes of Zion,
we were like those who dreamed.
Our mouths were filled with laughter,
our tongues with songs of joy.
Then it was said among the nations,
“The LORD has done great things for them.”
The LORD has done great things for us,
and we are filled with joy.
Restore our fortunes, LORD,
like streams in the Negev.
Those who sow with tears
will reap with songs of joy.
Those who go out weeping,
carrying seed to sow,
will return with songs of joy,
carrying sheaves with them.
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