Sheaves, many sheaves

Today marks the end of a season and the beginning of something new. Very new.

For the last 6 months, I've been through a wilderness unlike anything I have experienced in life.

Battling the darkest of my emotions, the most difficult of illnesses, facing the corpses hidden comfortably and tightly in familiar, closed tombs.

I had been so fruitful, an intercessor, so present to God, my friends, and my family. I had dreams about my future, hopes for a season of light, power, miracles.

And then it all ended. God thrust me into a time of intense pruning, not to end me, but to free me.

I can say this now retrospectively. Because I'm free. Finally.

What did I learn? It's actually really simple, but simultaneously powerful.

God loves me. Fully. Completely.

My God pursues me. He isn't satisfied with surface growth. He isn't satisfied with survival. He wants me to thrive.

God doesn't withhold good things from His children. All good things come from Him.

He shows no favoritism. He is not out to hurt me, but to free me. He wants good for me, even more than I want for myself.

He clears the tombs of my soul. He brings back to life things that I thought were dead. Things that I thought I was ineligible from receiving.

God delivered when I begged for the month of April to be pivotal, to be different.

When Jesus arrived at Lazarus' home town, He had delayed 4 days. Martha and Mary thought it was all lost. No hope. But see God never really delays. Resurrection happened, hope was not lost, miracles were done.

My four days are finally over. The time for resurrection is now. I feel alive again. The tombs that held lies that God is not for me, that God wants me to be alone, that God wants me to suffer, these tombs are empty. Empty.

But see resurrection is not just for new life, but for abundance. I'm ready to be infused back into society again. I'm ready to be back into active duty. God took me out to heal me, free me and now I'm ready to fly.

I want to be more present to God. I want to be more present to my loved ones. I want to look for His agenda in each moment.

I want to walk more boldly and intimately with Him so that I no longer react rashly to things. I want to be so in tune with the Spirit and I know when to speak and when to stay silent. That I know how to really love my friends. So I can grow in the gift of discernment.

I'm ready for the next level of maturity and freedom in Jesus so that He can use me to further His love and kingdom. Not because He needs me, but because He says He wants to use me and can use me!

I want to love people more abundantly. I want others to know this amazing, big, beautiful, faithful God I serve. I want God to launch me into my calling, into leadership, into my clinic, into missions.

I can't wait to see how God exceeds my expectations in every area of my life.

This is what He is best at.

I can truly say that after 6 months of weeping, despair, sorrow, hopelessness, bitterness, anger, mistrust, loneliness and yearning,

God has brought me freedom, peace, joy, and rest.

My crazy semester of school is over. My health is restored. I'm secure in my job and have been asked to be a nurse educator. I'm readying myself for Haiti. I start the clinical portion of my Master's.

And I finally know in my heart and mind that I am fully loved by God.

And as I accept that love from God, my cup overflows. It overflows for His people and for the man God has for me. Wherever and whoever he may be. I submit my husband to my ultimate Husband. Because I know He has the best for me.

I accept Your will for me. I know You love me best. I know You are for me. Thank You for loving me consistently, constantly, and without condition.

I will love You my whole life.