I Am With You

and then there are some days when you think it won't get worse and it does.

you feel such pain that you actually become numb. this false anesthesia is the only self-protective mechanism left before death.

you'll look in the face of your worst fears.

you'll find in that space your deepest sorrows, things you never wanted to anticipate.

betrayal.

loneliness.

barrenness.

you will look around and find emptiness. and every ounce within you will resist it. get angry. cry. sleep. eat. watch tv. anything to escape.

i have come to this very place. the things i desire the most in my life feel the farthest in this very place.

i wonder if this is how abraham felt as he walked with his son to that mountain. the mountain that would later be called The Lord Provides.

everything he had hoped and prayed for probably felt like a distant memory in that moment. a complete reversal of faith and hope should have happened.

it's in that very moment that God not only saved isaac, He saved abraham too. saved him from ever doubting that God could and will always provide. Saved him from ever doubting that God's word will never return void. Saving him from ever doubting that in giving up everything for God, you gain it back and much more.

he didn't just regain his son. he reached the pinnacle of intimacy with God. an intimacy that produces the willingness to look in the face of nothingness and say, thy will be done. the intimacy that breeds a courage that chooses joy in the face of complete evil and sorrow.

so you see God provided more than just a son. He provided a new life for Abraham in that moment.

I have never felt so viciously sad, lonely, betrayed, and empty in the 26 years on this earth. and yet in this place, i feel peace. because peace and joy come not from circumstances, but from the firm truth that my name is "I am with you."

Miracles often happen in quantized leaps.

Cue physics now please.