The honeymoon is over

but the joy is certainly not.

I had a breakdown this last month regarding my career, calling, in nursing. No one told me how difficult this profession really was. How much risk there was in it. How easy to make mistakes. How simple to hurt someone. How stressful. How many times I'd be washing urine or vomit off my clothing.

I came to an end of myself. Remember...the phrase I just wrote is always the most painful experience, but also completely inevitable when following a God of the universe.

I came to an end of myself. Also, know that God LOVES this. Not because He rejoices in our demise and not even because He rejoices in our humble recognition of our inability. It's actually not about us. He loves this because it is in this willful surrender that He has room to work, to move, to be God.

And He did. I was going to give up. Go part-time. Move to administration. The human heart comes up with many rational compensations when in despair. In the throws of my full mental and physical breakdown, I lifted up my hands and said, You do it, because I can't.

Rest is not inactivity. Rest is taking focus of human doing and action and allowing God to lead. Rest starts with trust. Trust that God not only can use us, but WANTS to.

Do we get that? He wants to use us. If we really understood this, EACH moment would have massive significance. He has an agenda for every situation. Because of His sovereignty and goodness, He is forming us in every instance.

I am privileged to be part of a community of world-changers that speak truth. That say, "Oh so the honeymoon phase of nursing is over, but that doesn't mean it's not what God has for you." It's SO true. I can't commit to this profession and calling based on the warm, fuzzy feelings it gives me. I can't commit to it because of its noble nature and esteem.

These are not enough. Really not. The only way to commit to it and inherit the land is to understand that God has an agenda, wants to use me and sustains me to fulfill His will.

I am also privileged to be able to learn from nursing professors who are women of God and understand firsthand the draining nature of nursing and the inability to really fulfill our purpose as followers of God without abiding in Him.

They know this so well that they published multiple papers on a grounded nursing theory which describes a nurses ability to provide nursing care on God's terms. How is it possible that I get to learn from these people? Seriously?

"Bringing God near" is its name. I needed this. I needed a re-framing of my work, my vocation. I needed God to somehow renew His covenant with me the way He did with Jacob (Genesis 28). I needed to know that I no longer needed to run on the fumes of inconsistent feelings or accolades, but rather the consistency of a God that is always for HIS patients, which includes me.

I am reminded that I am at work for a specific purpose each time. This purpose may not always be so apparent to me in the midst of emergent blood transfusions, projectile vomiting or rapid cardiac rhythms (that describes one shift, btw).

We can't follow God based on external circumstances. That's why faith is in things not seen. It's about trusting that God WANTS to use me each time I step onto that hospital floor. Even more so, trusting that God wants to use us each time we wake up and breathe the words, Thy will be done.

This weekend at work, God did some much needed heart surgery. This time, my surgeons were my patients and I was the one on the table. They gave me spiritual advice, they gave me a hug, they reminded me that I didn't choose, but was chosen. That I was called. That every day I go to work I am answering that call, being obedient to a God that is so worthy of it.

"A nurse that is intent on trusting God leaves room for God to act."

This is the kind of nurse I want to be. Even in the midst of the immense storms, the maze of confusion, that overwhelming feeling that I'm not going to make it.

So I re-commit to my calling. I really do love it. I praise God that He knows how much I can take and really does fill cups not to the brim, but to overflow.

So it's ok that I need more than just liking my job to get through it. Just like in a marriage, you need more than love for it to really last. You need a God that is committed to you as you commit to what ever it is He has for you.

I declare boldly that I am at the end of myself. Because when we realize we can't do it, that's when God does it all. Something about His grace being sufficient and His POWER made perfect in weakness.

His POWER is made perfect in weakness. That is significant. It's not just any aspect of God that is made perfect in weakness, but His power.

Here's to an age of power.