2010: A YEAR OF BIRTHING - CLAIMED

Isaiah 62

Zion's New Name

For Zion's sake I will not keep silent,
for Jerusalem's sake I will not remain quiet,
till her righteousness shines out like the dawn,
her salvation like a blazing torch.

The nations will see your righteousness,
and all kings your glory;
you will be called by a new name
that the mouth of the LORD will bestow.

You will be a crown of splendor in the LORD's hand,
a royal diadem in the hand of your God.

No longer will they call you Deserted,
or name your land Desolate.
But you will be called Hephzibah,
and your land Beulah;
for the LORD will take delight in you,
and your land will be married.

As a young man marries a maiden,
so will your sons marry you;
as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride,
so will your God rejoice over you.

I have posted watchmen on your walls, O Jerusalem;
they will never be silent day or night.
You who call on the LORD,
give yourselves no rest,

and give him no rest till he establishes Jerusalem
and makes her the praise of the earth.

The LORD has sworn by his right hand
and by his mighty arm:
"Never again will I give your grain
as food for your enemies,
and never again will foreigners drink the new wine
for which you have toiled;

but those who harvest it will eat it
and praise the LORD,
and those who gather the grapes will drink it
in the courts of my sanctuary."

Pass through, pass through the gates!
Prepare the way for the people.
Build up, build up the highway!
Remove the stones.
Raise a banner for the nations.

The LORD has made proclamation
to the ends of the earth:
"Say to the Daughter of Zion,
'See, your Savior comes!
See, his reward is with him,
and his recompense accompanies him.' "

They will be called the Holy People,
the Redeemed of the LORD;
and you will be called Sought After,
the City No Longer Deserted.

all that really matters

i look back on these last two weeks and it is literally by the grace of God that i survived. emotionally, spiritually, physically...i was at the depths. hurt, embarrassed, ashamed, terrified, cramping, virus, no breaks, angry, frustrated. it's all just one big blur now.

and i realize that the only way i was able to get out of bed, get dressed, drive an hour to work, work for 12 hours, come home, work things out with friends, send emails, etc. was through the grace of the only living and true God.

this is a dependency unlike anything i've experienced. it's a humility unlike anything i've felt. it's a zero unlike no other. and although im so broken, im not crushed. i dont feel abandoned. surprisingly im not hopeless. im not angry with god.

he never said it would be easy. who the hell am i to question the God of the universe and why he allows things to fall where they fall? why is it that i had three patients go down in two weeks? why is it that i heard a word from him that caused so much chaos? why is it that i struggle so much with body image every second of every day?

or perhaps i shouldn't ask why me, but what for? because in the end of it all, my job isn't really THAT important. my friends are amazing, but i could survive without them (even though this thought sickens me).

you know what DOES matter? that all would know how much Jesus Christ loves them. that's really the only damn thing that matters. everything else is actually quite useless. so instead of brooding over my failed life, my bleak future, my inadequacy as a nurse, my inadequacy as a friend, my chin, my stomach, my weight, etc., instead of this, i will pray and praise without ceasing.

i will say to my God: "My heart is stirred by a noble theme as I recite my verses for the king. My tongue is the pen of a skillful writer. You are the most excellent of men and your lips have been anointed with grace. In your majesty ride forth victoriously in behalf of truth, humility and righteousness. All your robes are fragrant, you are anointed with the oil of joy. I will perpetuate your memory through all the generations, therefore the nations will praise you for ever and ever."

Amen.

A new nurse's friday night

i've officially crossed over to the dark side. haha

my friday night consisted of eating brown rice, grilled chicken and health veges with my fellow nurses with 8oz glasses of water.

this 400 calorie meal was followed by hours and hours of talking about patients' large bowel movements (some which clogged toilets), patients with extreme dementia, silly nursing mistakes, medication vials exploding because we accidentally pushed air in them, tube feeding dripping on the floor because we forgot to clamp, etc.

next came the IV practice. taking 22 gauge needles we have acquired over the years in nursing school, we practiced sticking one another in hopes of being better nurses, causing less pain to our "real" patients and learning how to problem solve when veins start to gush blood. (sorry M.)

yes, a friday night for us new nurses consists of the above mentioned things. and we laughed, we laughed and laughed. we cleaned up the blood, bandaged our stick wounds and kept laughing.

i have to say, we really are one of a kind.

Mark 10: 46-52

Blind Bartimaeus Receives His Sight

⁴⁶Then they came to Jericho. As Jesus and his disciples, together with a large crowd, were leaving the city, a blind man, Bartimaeus (that is, the Son of Timaeus), was sitting by the roadside begging. ⁴⁷When he heard that it was Jesus of Nazareth, he began to shout, "Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!"

⁴⁸Many rebuked him and told him to be quiet, but he shouted all the more, "Son of David, have mercy on me!"

⁴⁹Jesus stopped and said, "Call him." So they called to the blind man, "Cheer up! On your feet! He's calling you." ⁵⁰Throwing his cloak aside, he jumped to his feet and came to Jesus.

⁵¹"What do you want me to do for you?" Jesus asked him.
The blind man said, "Rabbi, I want to see."

⁵²"Go," said Jesus, "your faith has healed you." Immediately he received his sight and followed Jesus along the road.

Healing is not one-dimensional and has less to do with the body and more to do with the soul.

Everything I am stems from this verse. Everything in nursing stems from this verse.

The end result is not the Alabaster Foundation, but that all would know the intense, immense and incredible love of Jesus Christ so much so that they can jump to their feet, receive healing and live whole, content and freed lives.

This is the new and improved mission statement of all my future healthcare endeavors and life actions.

Nice to meet you.

Relationship Status: Married

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U_M33GcJAmU

everyone who has eyes to see and/or ears to hear must experience the link above.

i have watched it multiple and still i am brought to my knees in desperate tears.

i am so totally in love with God it's unbelievable. Today I saw a loving, happily married couple kiss each other at church and the only thought that crossed my mind was, "Yes that's beautiful, but my life with God is so much better."

I married God on Monday. In the car as I was driving I said to Him, "God I want to marry you and deepen my covenant with you." And He said, "I've always been married to you, I've always been tied to you. The ball was always in your court."

What an incredible lover I have. The kind that doesn't cheat, doesn't abuse, doesn't lie. The kind that admits His need, communicates the intensity of His love, the kind that always ultimately advocates for me. The kind that never leaves, that always forgives, that always challenges. The kind that only wants the choicest of things for me.

I would rather be in relationship with God than be a nurse, than be a humanitarian, than be a daughter, than be a best friend or a wife.

My husband is beautiful, perfect, a feminist, politically aware, strong, idealistic, humble and loving. I don't ever want anything to get in the way of my covenant, my commitment, this marriage.

That means everything comes under the radar. How I spend my time, what comes out of my mouth, what I eat, what I drink, what I think, how I drive, how I care for my patients, how I speak to my co-workers, how I judge people, how I don't judge people, how I vote, how I love my friends, how I don't love my friends, the papers I sign, how I spend my money...everything.

In a marriage, the two become one flesh. I am no longer my own. I give up my rights, my agenda, my will, my desires, my dreams, my aspirations, my fears, my plans, I give it all up for the lover of my soul, spirit, heart and mind.

It comes full circle from 2006 when I, a lost, but ultimately redeemed soul led a chant with friends saying, "I belong to God."

Now I finally do. Now I am 100% His and He is mine. We are one.

My new husband and I are registered at the prayer store, which resides in each of your hearts. Please feel free to bless our new marriage with as many prayers as you like. =)




p.s. Although this blog entry may seem strange to some, think of this: If every woman would allow herself to first be loved by God, her creator, and allow herself to live fully secure in that relationship, how much more fruitful and loving, would her marriage be to a flawed, but chosen earthly male?

Something to ponder...

Greece

Greece changed me. It's quite simple.

Reading The Shack changed my view of God. That's not so simple.

Traveling alone to a foreign country with nothing familiar to guide you is both exciting and terrifying in varying degrees. Once I sat myself down in the Apollo Hotel at midnight in Athens, I realized the gravity of the journey I had started.

5 days may not seem like a long time when calculated in hours, but when calculated by the soul, it's months, even years.

God was my only friend. He was my only compass. He was my only dinner companion. He slept on the chair next to my bed as I went from hotel to hotel throughout Greece. He was there when I was surrounded by lovers in embrace. He was there when I ate my gyro in Athens, the only person sitting alone in a sea of people. He was there when I traversed all of Athens history with only a map and a prayer. He was there as a passenger had difficulty breathing on the plane ride home, guiding me to do the right thing.

I fell in love with God again in Greece. He loved me so well, no man or woman will ever compare.

Greece was my playground and He was the concerned, but trusting parent, watching me play.

More than anything, with the help of a trusted friend, I realized that Greece was the culmination and ultimate confirmation of a miracle in my life.

I was the girl who could never sleep at night. I used to wake up for every creak or sound at night. I used to stay up watching my doorway, waiting for some inevitable evil. I tried sleeping with one eye open and when this failed, I just stopped sleeping.

Light was my friend and darkness a formidable foe. I used to wait for my parents to come home from work to take a shower because I couldn't do so when I was home alone. When I lived in East LA, I used to sneak into my roommates rooms, and fall asleep on their floors because I couldn't sleep alone in my room. I used to put a chair against the door, as if this were some form of protection against that inevitable evil that never came.

This was my life. I didn't sleep more than 3 hours per night that year. I only took showers at night. I tried Tylenol PM, wine, Friends episodes, therapy, incessant conversations with friends, prayer and saw no results.

Then God took me to Redlands to live alone. And the noises started again, the fears rose up even more loudly. My eyes grew accustomed to my ceiling and door. I could tell you the number of panels on my door, the number of hinges, the type of screws holding it together. I could tell you about the specific cracks on the ceiling, the number of spider webs, the serial number on the smoke alarm.

And then one day, I said enough is enough and I ran to meet Him. I ran through the voices, the fear, the noises, the haunting of the abuse, the screams of my father, the bruises, the cries of my mother and ran to grasp just the lining of His cloak. And He turned around and said, "Daughter you are healed." And that was it.

And now, I traveled alone to a foreign country with no friend in the next room to call upon, no floor to sneak onto, nothing. The fear is so far removed from me, I don't even remember it that well. And there are days, even today, when I hear sounds, creaks, etc. that used to paralyze me. And for a second, I remember, and then immediately I am free again.

True healing is so formidable. True fruitfulness has no sign of human doing, no human effort.

God is to be glorified in all of this.

So Greece was many things. Many stories. A meeting of beautiful people, a realization of my calling as nurse, examples of God's amazing provision, a finding of family in the most unexpected places, waking in faith, seeing structures that Jesus himself saw, resting in God, sleeping in God.

Thank You does not really sum up the level of gratitude and praise I have for my Savior.

So rather I say this: I give my life to You. What do You want me to do?

My commissioning

Today was the first day I realized the true gravity of my calling. All this time, I nonchalantly said, "Oh yeah I want to change the world! I'm going to the change the world. I want to make a dent in poverty and injustice. Go to the the depths of the earth in the midst of war and famine and serve."

But I didn't really know what that meant. I didn't know what I was asking for. I am a moron if I think this is going to be easy. I took it lightly because it wasn't real until now. I said it so often because it was hypothetical. It was a possibility in the distant future.

Well that future just slapped me in the face. That future is not so distant anymore. That calling is now. And more than ever, I am so acutely aware of my inability to realize this dream. Me, the girl who can't watch scary movies, is going to go to war-torn countries to bring Jesus in the form of healthcare to the forgotten and oppressed?

What the hell am I thinking? This WILL cost me everything. Why did that surprise me tonight? Why was this new information to me? Did I think there wouldn't be opposition? That there wouldn't be my own demons and the demons of the world coming against me? There there wouldn't be sacrifice?

I'm terrified. I'm so terrified I almost want to crawl up in a ball and live a normal, complacent, ordinary life. Mediocrity is so much easier.

Do I really want this? Do I really want to start my clinic? To go to Jaffna and fight for the 300,000 there? To go to the Sudan and fight for the millions there?

I'm going to have to really get my shit together because this is real. It's not just a dream anymore. I'm not that fledgling college student in Mark study talking about serving chili on Skid Row. God has called me to so much greater that I'm scared to even move.

I have no capacity, no capability, to do this from my own strength. It will take a God. It will take my complete submission. It will take the endurance of many storms. It will take my dying to everything that is about me and my needs and looking to God for every single thing. It will take a separation from friends and family. It will take a weeding out of loved ones. It will take a willingness to accept the unknown and the mystery of the Trinity. It will take the willingness to lose everything precious to me. It will take supernatural faith.

I am at zero.

Only God can bring me to one.

I'M A NURSE!!!!

On September 15, 2009 at 10am, I became a nurse!!

FERNANDO SHANNON MELANIA
License Type:	Registered Nurse
License Number:	759593
License Status:	ACTIVE Definition
Expiration Date:	December 31, 2010
Issue Date:	September 14, 2009
County:	LOS ANGELES
Actions:	No

God is so good, there are no words to describe it.

Today is the beginning of the rest of my life.

Today is the beginning of the Alabaster Foundation.

Thank you

you really were there for me.

you did walk with me through my hell.

through the faithless comments, the emotional rollercoasters, the bitchy attitudes, the lack of will to live, you persisted.

you sent incessant emails, bible verses, and sermons.

you took time out to have endless conversations about life and never asked for anything in return.

when i shunned you, you came over and cared. when i misunderstood you, you tried to understand me more. when i doubted you, you trusted me more.

i forgot and im so sorry. i forgot how much you poured out for me. how empty you must have felt each day you loved and loved and all i gave back were sloppy answers and delirious phone messages.

i forgot that you walked alongside me when i was unbearable.

thank you.

I remember now.

You are such a good friend and this time I won't ever forget.

To Shannon: From God

Did I not call Shannon to be a healer? And when I call Shannon to be a healer, is she to be the kind of nurse who passes a test and works in a hospital? The test does not make you a healer, Shannon. It is I who makes you a healer. What does the test even calculate? How well you know your manmade words and manmade tricks to be an American nurse? What you require to heal the people I've called you to heal is the Holy Spirit. How can you go to the depths of the earth and heal people with incurable diseases the test cannot even ask you about if you do not have the Holy Spirit?

So why do you ask to pass a test? Should you not ask for the Holy Spirit instead?

Because with the Spirit, you will heal that man with the withered hand. You will heal the bleeding woman. You will heal the blind. The leprous. The lame.

Thank you E. for praying for me and allowing God to use you as a vessel to bless me before my exam. I claim this!

you really did chase us

and thanks so much for catching up with us.

you ran, you ran so hard. you never stopped to take a breath. you never stopped to drink.

the faster we ran, the more side streets you took. the more alleys and short cuts, just to get to us.

and all along, all you wanted was to sit with us and stay a while. to look into our eyes and say, "daughter you are healed."

you chased through all the bullshit. the abuse, the pain, the drunken messes. you pursued us as we pushed you away, flipped you off, urinated on all your plans for us.

you never stopped to rest.

what joy you must have felt when we got tired. when you finally broke us down so we would stop and let you love us. but you weren't enough we said. so we kept running.

but we are done now.

im tired of running. im tired of being a slave to this world. im tired of doing it alone. so at 3am we prayed, not because of need but because of delight. not because of crises, but of gratitude. not because we doubt you, but because we love you.

and you wept. you wept out of sheer relief and joy. the race is finally over and you won. you wept as we submitted all of ourselves to you. you wept because that's all you ever wanted. through the slaps, the bruises, the drama, the mistakes, all you ever wanted was to be our home.

thank you.

i will love You eternally.

so im going to greece alone

it's pathetic that it was so hard for me to make this decision.

fucking money. i hate it. i hate the fixation on it. i hate that lives end because of it. i hate that wars start because of it. i hate that families end because of it or people go into depression because of it.

so i said fuck you to money and booked a 800 dollar flight to athens with 2o00 dollars in the bank.

because really money can be re-earned, but the memory of going to greece alone at age 25 for four days, with no guide, no companion, nothing...this is priceless.

i used my credit card for the first time in 2 years.

wanna know the last time i used it?


to go to kenya...


i see a trend here.

itinerary:
sept. 18th leave for athens
sept 19th arrive in munich, stay for 2 hours
sept 19th arrive in athens at 11pm (so scary, but itll be fun)
sept 19th - take a taxi to the Apollo hotel in Athens and stay the night
sept 20th - take the metro to the Piraeus port and take a 2 hour ferry to Agistri (greek island)
sept 20th - hang out in Agistri, stay at Hotel Diyonosous
sept 21st - take 10 min. speed boat to Aegina (another greek island)
sept 21st - hang out, stay at Hotel Rachel (maybe)
sept 22nd - leave Aegina on ferry and go back to athens
sept 22nd- hang out in athens (i really need to brush up on my history because i dont know crap about parthenon, acrapolis, etc), stay at Hotel Apollo
sept 23rd - leave Athens, return to LAX

pretty good right? for not knowing anything about Greece and working with $1200...=)


love being single, love being 25, love being free to do my own thing, love credit cards

thanks God for not saying no...=) because i really did ask...seriously.

An appraisal

15 months ago I moved out to Redlands to start nursing school. I remember how nervous I was. Living alone for the first time, being away from friends and family, starting an accelerated program, being in a new city...

I cried myself to sleep almost every night. I hated coming home to an empty apartment. I hated going days without talking to another human because I was stuck in my apartment alone studying.

But now everything is different. I love living alone. I sleep really well most nights. I like coming home to nothing. I like having time for myself. I like leaving the dishes not done for days and not having to answer to anyone about it. I like that I can be as messy or as neat as I want. I love hosting people. To have a place I can call my own. To have a place where friends can crash anytime...even as many as 7 friends strewn about, even sleeping in my closet. I love that!

I'm so sad I'm moving. Just when I got comfortable you know? I'm moving back to familiar, yet unpredictable territory. I'm moving back with this degree that comes with so much responsibility, stress and fear. I'm moving back with this whole journey ahead of me I know nothing about.

As I look back on my time in Redlands, I realize how much God has changed me. How much He has drawn me closer to Him, although I fail every day to give Him the time He deserves. I realize how independent I am now, how comfortable I am with nothingness, how content I am with singlehood. I realize how much I can be a slave to emotions and at the same time rise above them. I've made friends I will keep forever. I've realized the beauty of marriage. I've realized how anal and how loving I can be. What a control freak I am and also what a leader. How impatient and bitchy I can be and how serving.

I've also realized how ready I am for the next chapter. How ready I am to not be a full-time student. How ready I am to have a well-rounded life. To begin this next phase of adulthood. How ready I am to start my career and fulfill my lifelong dreams.

I can't believe I will be 25 in a few months! I can't believe I'm a nurse. I can't believe how close I am to starting my clinic. I can't believe how terrified I am to be in healthcare and to move back in with my parents.

I move out in two days. I take my last test in nursing school tomorrow. I take my boards in one month. So many transitions and changes all at once...ah! I'm excited and scared all at once.

It's scary because once I'm done here, there's no "next chapter." I mean once I'm done, what I have left is the rest of my life. No set plans, no rubric, no phase. I'm a working citizen, contributing to soceity, making money and doing whatever I want with my life. I can't hide behind school and say I'm a student so I can't or I'm a full-time student so I'm too busy. School is no longer my crutch or default. It's all over now.

Now it's just me, Shannon. Nurse, Christian, single, etc. This is really hard. Too much freedom, too much unknown...

What's next?

it is written

in the end, it comes down to one question

what are you really about?

we spend 23.5 out of 24 hours on things that are useless in the grand scheme things. will i take this to the grave? will this matter when im 95 and on my death bed? will anyone even remember this? does this matter to God? does this actually make a lasting difference? does this actually consider someone other than myself?

i am privileged to be around friends who live there lives asking these questions. it is these friends, their music, their words, their advice, their texts, their emails, their phone convos, their late night talks, that remind me of what im really about, what really matters and why i do what i do.

because, let's get to the bottom line:

im not a nurse because im obsessed with healthcare. im not a nurse because i love wiping asses THAT much. im not a nurse because i love being around doctors or ill people.

it's simple:

Being a nurse is merely the vehicle, not the destination.

im a nurse because i want to change the world one patient at a time. im a nurse because i want to live every second of my life as a nurse and as a woman uplifting the oppressed and making sure that justice, equality and compassion are restored in as many corners of the world possible.

i will travel to the darkest spaces of this earth to ensure that with every breath i take, this is my only agenda.

so for those of you who don't know me, there it is. for those of you who do know me, you are already praying for me. for those of you who do know me and doubt or hate my agenda, you will be so very disappointed because this agenda will never change.

so in one month, when i graduate as a "nurse" i will hit the ground running.

don't be surprised if two years from now you get a postcard from me from Uganda, Sri Lanka, Kenya, Sudan or the Congo. One the front, there will be a scenic view of a tourist spot I will not be living in. And on the back, some excited remarks on life in the slums and a key phrase:

"Things are going really well in the clinic. The Alabaster Foundation is up and running."

You have been warned.

Pinning

Today I was pinned as a nurse and took my nursing pledge. It was a beautiful day.

Highlights (in order of occurrence):

1. My awesome outfit (I felt really pretty in it)
2. My parents getting in early coz the security guy left for a bit...haha
3. Opening prayer: just another reminder of why I chose APU over another school
4. Getting two awards: this was a total surprise. I felt so honored and blessed
5. My classmates congratulating me with such sincerity (i love them)
6. Our slide show with John Legend's "If You're Out There" playing...love that song!
7. The actual pinning...i think this is such a beautiful tradition
8. Presenting our class picture to the dean and making a joke about it being bigger than me
9. Only my three best friends getting my joke, which makes it SO worth it...=)
10. T. totally showing up, driving 6 hours from SF to be there...i love you, you sneaky lovely
11. Reciting the International Nurse's Pledge by candlelight...my true calling
12. My beautiful friends being there, being so proud, so supportive, so wonderful, my friends of FIFTEEN YEARS...I LOVE YOU T, T and N!!
13. My mom with tears in her eyes from such pride and joy
14. Prof. A. (my favorite prof. at APU) and Dr. Dial meeting my parents
15. Acapulco in Azusa...need i say more?
16. Strawberry margaritas...so good
17. Molten lava chocolate cake...um i just got pinned? duh...
18. Being the loudest table at the restaurant...getting mildly buzzed in front of my parents =)

T'was everything I wanted it to be. Family, friends, love, joy.

And to those of you who couldn't make it, I thought of each of you and I love you for your well wishes and many prayers you have said to get me to today.

I remember my first graduation, I was depressed, unhealthy, unhappy, lonely, did NOT want to be there, probably hung over and felt so out of place in every way.

God took that day and completely redeemed it with today. I guess that's what happens when you find your calling. =)

food for thought

"Our cause is never more in danger than when a human no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy's will, looks around upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys."
- Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis
(Screwtape (a demon) speaking to his nephew, Wormwood (another demon))


Great read...fyi

he chases me with a basin of water

it's too much...it really is

i feel so sorry for my friends as they watch me implode...as they try to reason with me

what i hate most is my hypocrisy because while i claim to love Jesus and have complete faith in Him, all i do is run further and further away from Him

my apartment drowning with pictures of my savior laughs at me because my faith is a joke

a joke

the more he loves, the more i say no

im so distracted, so inward, so laden...there's no relief

movies, working out, doing homework, hanging out with friends, nothing cures this feeling

i hear him call and i finally take the time to sit

but as my feet touch the water and i see the granules of dirt sifting off, i run

before he has the chance to touch, to smile, to love, im gone

the basin spills over on to him, water everywhere

and my feet even dirtier now as i run farther away, mud continually caked on from my escape

he cleans up the floor, refills the water, gets a new towel and waits

his waiting mocks me because it never ceases

sometimes i see him following me as i run, towel in hand, calling me back

it's like im addicted to doing it alone, addicted to stress, addicted to lies, addicted to worry, addicted to fear

fear...is that it? fear of being alone, fear of being ugly, fear of offense, fear of people, fear of death, fear of hypocrisy, fear of indifference, fear of lukewarm faith?

he saved me from fear and offered me love and yet i keep running back to fear

im like the abused woman who keeps going back to her husband, the sexual slave saved from trafficking but returns because he has the drugs he addicted her to, the homeless man who finds shelter but can't sleep because the familiar smells of urine and violence aren't there to comfort him anymore

but he waits, despite my ignorance, my foolish ways, my mud-caked existence, he refills the water every day, readies the basin

sometimes i watch him do it, lovingly preparing for me, but he seems so far away, so unattainable so i walk away yet again

i wonder if he misses me as much as i miss him...

2009 = redemption