My commissioning

Today was the first day I realized the true gravity of my calling. All this time, I nonchalantly said, "Oh yeah I want to change the world! I'm going to the change the world. I want to make a dent in poverty and injustice. Go to the the depths of the earth in the midst of war and famine and serve."

But I didn't really know what that meant. I didn't know what I was asking for. I am a moron if I think this is going to be easy. I took it lightly because it wasn't real until now. I said it so often because it was hypothetical. It was a possibility in the distant future.

Well that future just slapped me in the face. That future is not so distant anymore. That calling is now. And more than ever, I am so acutely aware of my inability to realize this dream. Me, the girl who can't watch scary movies, is going to go to war-torn countries to bring Jesus in the form of healthcare to the forgotten and oppressed?

What the hell am I thinking? This WILL cost me everything. Why did that surprise me tonight? Why was this new information to me? Did I think there wouldn't be opposition? That there wouldn't be my own demons and the demons of the world coming against me? There there wouldn't be sacrifice?

I'm terrified. I'm so terrified I almost want to crawl up in a ball and live a normal, complacent, ordinary life. Mediocrity is so much easier.

Do I really want this? Do I really want to start my clinic? To go to Jaffna and fight for the 300,000 there? To go to the Sudan and fight for the millions there?

I'm going to have to really get my shit together because this is real. It's not just a dream anymore. I'm not that fledgling college student in Mark study talking about serving chili on Skid Row. God has called me to so much greater that I'm scared to even move.

I have no capacity, no capability, to do this from my own strength. It will take a God. It will take my complete submission. It will take the endurance of many storms. It will take my dying to everything that is about me and my needs and looking to God for every single thing. It will take a separation from friends and family. It will take a weeding out of loved ones. It will take a willingness to accept the unknown and the mystery of the Trinity. It will take the willingness to lose everything precious to me. It will take supernatural faith.

I am at zero.

Only God can bring me to one.