all that really matters

i look back on these last two weeks and it is literally by the grace of God that i survived. emotionally, spiritually, physically...i was at the depths. hurt, embarrassed, ashamed, terrified, cramping, virus, no breaks, angry, frustrated. it's all just one big blur now.

and i realize that the only way i was able to get out of bed, get dressed, drive an hour to work, work for 12 hours, come home, work things out with friends, send emails, etc. was through the grace of the only living and true God.

this is a dependency unlike anything i've experienced. it's a humility unlike anything i've felt. it's a zero unlike no other. and although im so broken, im not crushed. i dont feel abandoned. surprisingly im not hopeless. im not angry with god.

he never said it would be easy. who the hell am i to question the God of the universe and why he allows things to fall where they fall? why is it that i had three patients go down in two weeks? why is it that i heard a word from him that caused so much chaos? why is it that i struggle so much with body image every second of every day?

or perhaps i shouldn't ask why me, but what for? because in the end of it all, my job isn't really THAT important. my friends are amazing, but i could survive without them (even though this thought sickens me).

you know what DOES matter? that all would know how much Jesus Christ loves them. that's really the only damn thing that matters. everything else is actually quite useless. so instead of brooding over my failed life, my bleak future, my inadequacy as a nurse, my inadequacy as a friend, my chin, my stomach, my weight, etc., instead of this, i will pray and praise without ceasing.

i will say to my God: "My heart is stirred by a noble theme as I recite my verses for the king. My tongue is the pen of a skillful writer. You are the most excellent of men and your lips have been anointed with grace. In your majesty ride forth victoriously in behalf of truth, humility and righteousness. All your robes are fragrant, you are anointed with the oil of joy. I will perpetuate your memory through all the generations, therefore the nations will praise you for ever and ever."

Amen.