Sheaves, many sheaves

Today marks the end of a season and the beginning of something new. Very new.

For the last 6 months, I've been through a wilderness unlike anything I have experienced in life.

Battling the darkest of my emotions, the most difficult of illnesses, facing the corpses hidden comfortably and tightly in familiar, closed tombs.

I had been so fruitful, an intercessor, so present to God, my friends, and my family. I had dreams about my future, hopes for a season of light, power, miracles.

And then it all ended. God thrust me into a time of intense pruning, not to end me, but to free me.

I can say this now retrospectively. Because I'm free. Finally.

What did I learn? It's actually really simple, but simultaneously powerful.

God loves me. Fully. Completely.

My God pursues me. He isn't satisfied with surface growth. He isn't satisfied with survival. He wants me to thrive.

God doesn't withhold good things from His children. All good things come from Him.

He shows no favoritism. He is not out to hurt me, but to free me. He wants good for me, even more than I want for myself.

He clears the tombs of my soul. He brings back to life things that I thought were dead. Things that I thought I was ineligible from receiving.

God delivered when I begged for the month of April to be pivotal, to be different.

When Jesus arrived at Lazarus' home town, He had delayed 4 days. Martha and Mary thought it was all lost. No hope. But see God never really delays. Resurrection happened, hope was not lost, miracles were done.

My four days are finally over. The time for resurrection is now. I feel alive again. The tombs that held lies that God is not for me, that God wants me to be alone, that God wants me to suffer, these tombs are empty. Empty.

But see resurrection is not just for new life, but for abundance. I'm ready to be infused back into society again. I'm ready to be back into active duty. God took me out to heal me, free me and now I'm ready to fly.

I want to be more present to God. I want to be more present to my loved ones. I want to look for His agenda in each moment.

I want to walk more boldly and intimately with Him so that I no longer react rashly to things. I want to be so in tune with the Spirit and I know when to speak and when to stay silent. That I know how to really love my friends. So I can grow in the gift of discernment.

I'm ready for the next level of maturity and freedom in Jesus so that He can use me to further His love and kingdom. Not because He needs me, but because He says He wants to use me and can use me!

I want to love people more abundantly. I want others to know this amazing, big, beautiful, faithful God I serve. I want God to launch me into my calling, into leadership, into my clinic, into missions.

I can't wait to see how God exceeds my expectations in every area of my life.

This is what He is best at.

I can truly say that after 6 months of weeping, despair, sorrow, hopelessness, bitterness, anger, mistrust, loneliness and yearning,

God has brought me freedom, peace, joy, and rest.

My crazy semester of school is over. My health is restored. I'm secure in my job and have been asked to be a nurse educator. I'm readying myself for Haiti. I start the clinical portion of my Master's.

And I finally know in my heart and mind that I am fully loved by God.

And as I accept that love from God, my cup overflows. It overflows for His people and for the man God has for me. Wherever and whoever he may be. I submit my husband to my ultimate Husband. Because I know He has the best for me.

I accept Your will for me. I know You love me best. I know You are for me. Thank You for loving me consistently, constantly, and without condition.

I will love You my whole life.

Rest and Praise

Interestingly enough these are the two things God has been speaking to me more than anything else: Rest and Praise.

It's counter to our prideful, like-to-be-busy, God-needs-me, Western personalities that say we must worry, be occupied, be doing something in order for God to use us, bring to pass what He has promised, etc.

But Jesus is so clear in Luke 10:42 - Mary has chosen the better thing AND IT WILL NOT BE TAKEN FROM HER.

We so often think that when we rest and praise we are forgoing other things. We are losing out on something else. But Jesus says that when we rest, listen and worship Him, nothing is taken from us.

In fact, we receive, we are strengthened, we are focused, we are in the only fitting position to relate to our God: on our knees.

This word is sweeping through our generation lately. Obviously God is trying to tell us something and perhaps we should take heed.

This is to be a year of power, of immense things. And I think we went into it thinking we were to have a hand in it. Deep down inside we thought it would be based on something we had to DO.

We were wrong.

It is ALL based on God. That's it. And our only response should be praise. Abiding. Resting.

See rest is tricky. We think it means do nothing. Again, we are wrong.

Rest is not inaction. It is putting to rest our unbelief and praising God in confident and hopeful expectation that He will bring to fruition all He has promised and spoken.

So rest of this magnitude is actually quite active and kind of hard. Really hard.

But as we praise, we create space, we expand our tents and this rest becomes the only thing that sustains.

Enlarging the place of our tent (Isaiah 54) has less to do with giving up things and more to do with praising God so we give Him more room to enter, move in, take up residence. We create a bigger home for Him in our praises.

And remember, praise isn't to give us warm, fuzzy feelings inside. Praise breeds intimacy, intimacy breeds authority, and authority brings down powers and principalities.

Praise is militant and rest is powerful.

No wonder I've been sick for a month so God could finally help me realize the importance of rest and praise in all circumstances.

I get it now.

I want to choose the better thing. The thing that will not be taken from me.

He waits longer than us

I'm so sorry that today I doubted You so intensely that I was ready to give up. Stop going to church, stop praying, stop expecting miracles.

I'm sorry that my humanity is so incapable of housing Your spirit, Your faith, Your will.

I'm sorry that I'm disobedient, rash, and so bad at listening most days.

Thank you that even though I disengaged, You didn't. Even though I fought You, maligned You, questioned Your goodness and faithfulness, You stayed still. You stayed quiet. You didn't even defend Yourself.

You waited. You waited for me to cry it out. Come to an end of my tantrum. You didn't tap Your foot in impatience. You watched in love, collected my tears as I cried, sat next to me.

No matter how hard I try I can't flee from You. I can't give up on You. I can't bring myself to leave You.

You and I are One.

That's not frustrating. It's freeing. It's not annoying, it brings so much peace.

Thank You for not shrinking back from my irrational wrath. You are the only thing good about Me.

It's is only You that shines through Me. That is what is compelling, nothing else.

I love You. I will never stop believing in You. Although I don't fully understand Your ways, I will stay engaged,

not because I have nothing else,

but because You are better than anything else.