An appraisal of 2010

As the year closes, it's good to meditate on the amazing things God has done.

This truly has been a year of birthing. Of course birthing is two fold - the pain of labor and the joy of a new creation. Both equally important.

I look in the mirror and I don't really recognize who I am anymore.

This year I became a nurse. A confident nurse. This year I committed every part of my future to my Savior. This year I moved out for the first time because I could, not because I had to.

This year I learned I can live alone and don't need a studio apartment to survive.

This year my conception of time and its passage was shattered.

This year my parents became a couple again. This year I got my Dad back. This year my parents started reading the Bible together every day. This year I realized how beautiful I really am. That when I ask who am I? God says, "I am with you."

That my worth is not based on relationships, men or anything of this world.

This year I realized I can and do love my God more than I love my mother.

This year all my relationships took their rightful places and God ascended His rightful throne.

This year I learned to say no more than yes. This year I actively chose out of mediocre friendships and relationships. This year I gained trusted friendships back.

This year I quit school and came back to it because I finally figured out my calling.

This year I heard my heart call. I created a website. Heard a prophecy about my life.

This year I realized I will indeed change nations.

This year I realized I don't need marriage, a relationship or a husband, but I really want all these things. Really.

This year I learned to praise God in ALL circumstances.

This year I learned that nothing I own, dream, want or earn is really my own or entitled to me.

This year I learned what it means to be free because of the above.

This year I found out that marriages can in fact be wrought through prayer, made in heaven.

I found out that waiting on God is the hardest thing I've experienced yet.

I found out that I actually have really little faith and need so much more.

This year I realized that through Christ we really can overcome all evil. That satan is actually quite powerless.

This year I fasted meat for an entire week, which resulted in a word from God that has and will continue to change the trajectory of my whole life.

This year I found out what it means to be for someone and not with them - well him.

This year I stopped caring about what others think of me.

This year I saw God enter the lives of people who didn't believe Him, were distant from Him, had given up on Him.

This year I stepped out in faith and walked on water, only to realize I am more like Peter than I thought.

This year I became an intercessor. Realized how deeply I love prayer and want to pray people into healing.

This year I coined the word beast.

Most importantly this year I learned this:

That prayer is the only thing worth devoting your time to, that praising and thanking God must and should be a lifelong, non-circumstantial commitment and I have NO good apart from God. He really is MORE than enough. This life is about intimacy between me and Him. Simple.

Freedom.

Here's to 2011 - in the words of my pastor:

"2011 will therefore not only be a year of answered prayer, but also a year of growth in depth and knowledge of God."

God really does take this seriously.

So here's to a year of power. So terrified, so excited, so humbled.

Hebrews 11

Read it. Every word. Every person who wants to truly make a dent in the world, please read it. And then understand that you will be called to live it. You will be called to live it to the end of your strength.

I understand now what it means to train in the dark. To have literally everything you hold dear, every assurance, every earthly thing to be stripped. There are slats, he said. And God is removing each one. I'm sorry it's so hard, he said.

Abraham impresses me the most. 11:11 says: "By faith Abraham, even though he was past age and Sarah herself was barren was enabled to become a father because he considered him faithful who had made the promise"

Your world will become a series of "even though?"

Sometimes you will cry and cry because THAT is the only release from the pain of not knowing, the pain of the possibility that you are absolutely insane. The pain of what if they're right?

And not just one or two people, all of them. All people.

You know why in 11:37 they went about in "sheepskins and goatskins?" because they probably felt psychotic. Because they knew something no one else did. Because sometimes it feels like you're in mourning when you are waiting. Or perhaps they were too busy praying to care about clothes. "The world was not worthy of them" 11:38

But faith is the better choice. It really is. Because that's the difference between zero and one, endangered and mundane, miracles and mediocrity.

Apparently according to 11:6, "Without faith it is impossible to please God."

And the funny thing is, this is only a morsel of the faith I will need for the future. A morsel.

Insane or a believer of miracles?

It's a fine line.

But I'd rather live on this line than settle for anything else.

In five hours

I have to wake up for one of the most important days of 2010. But not before this:

I just re-watched the Book of Eli. If you haven't seen it, please do. And then let's all please live lives nothing short of it. Please.

But I wanna talk about a specific part. This is a spoiler so if you haven't watched it, stop reading, go watch it and come back. =)

At the very end of the movie, Eli is a shell person. Bleeding bullet wound to the abdomen wrapped in duct tape, probably in some form of shock, he is rowing with all his remaining strength. He has reached the very last stretch of his journey before his life purpose is complete.

Perhaps he has 500ft to row before all is worth it. All the killing, all the maiming, the near death, 30 years of walking solely on faith.

But he can't do it.

And it is at this very moment, his companion takes over. Solara switches places with him and finishes the journey. Helps him get to the other side. Rows the rest of the way. Together, they finish.

See THAT'S what I want.

I want someone without whom I can't finish the race. If I am to be married, that's the only kind of partner I want.

All the other stuff is so damn secondary. Sex...meh lived without it this long. Kids, my mother's dream, not so much mine, could easily be fulfilled by giving care to the ten thousand HIV prone orphans I met when I lived in Kibera.

No, I want that person who will help me fulfill my purpose. Who makes me a WAY better version of myself. That says, "You CAN do it" when I've lost all hope and might.

Anything else is so mediocre, decoration, a facebook relationship status, a cursory text, a date on Valentine's Day.

I see so many couples...wow so many. Apparently I'm a magnet for them. But it's good because within 30 seconds of meeting a couple, I know if they are in it for all the other stuff, or in it to be for one another, not just with one another. Sadly, that number is really small...I can count them on one hand.

I refuse to be just another couple. I'm pretty damn great on my own so why would I dilute myself?

Ah but I know I'm not supposed to do it alone. Not because I can't, but because it's God's will.

I don't really care when or how at this point. Because I know that he'll come right at the time when I say, "Grab an oar Sir, we're going to the other side."

Because God is so good

I will blog twice in one day today.

Psalm 126: 5-6
Those who sow with tears
will reap with songs of joy.
Those who go out weeping,
carrying seed to sow,
will return with songs of joy,
carrying sheaves with them.

He's a totally different species now. I don't even recognize him.

I come home and he hugs me, like it's the first time he's seen me in years.

Without me asking, he checks the oil in my car, brake lights, makes sure my drive is safe.

He sits with me, listens to my Jesus music, just to be present.

I tell him, watch this movie about a man who has overcome. He doesn't just watch it, he lives it, dreams it and asks for the link to it. Says, "I'm so inspired now. If he can overcome, so can I."

She says, "He helps me in the kitchen now, listens to me, goes to church and washes the chalices after mass."

Each day I stand silenced, in awe of the amazing transformation I witness. It's a renewed phenomenon each day.

Our relationship is so different I don't even remember the past. The scars are so far removed.

He's so beautiful to me. My earthly father.

I never thought I could love him after all we had been through. I had given up on us. Just another dysfunctional father-daughter relationship.

But those who sow in tears will reap in joy. Leave with seeds and come back with sheaves.

Each day I experience a miracle so big and so glorious I fall to my knees in gratitude and in reverence of the God we serve.

Thank You is not sufficient so I sit in silent devotion to You my heavenly Father, my Love, my God.

A new fear

There is this freeing fear within me now. It's a fear that I love. It's a fear that grounds me.

I fear You. It's fear infused with Awe. With this undying desire to not run outside Your timing.

I'm terrified of running ahead of You because I don't want to miss out on the miracles You have for me as I track with You. As I let you lead. As I rest and let you build.

Because the word "fear" has been bastardized, claimed for evil.

But really fear of God means reverence.

I revere You.

I don't need anything else but You.

And yet You allow me to desire because You love me. And You say that You will grant me those desires in a way that gives me the Best.

Who am I to deserve You?

So I fear You.

It's a Psalm 130 fear: "But with you there is forgiveness, so you are feared..."

My only prayer for you my other half is this:

That you would experience this intimacy, this new fear, this joy of having only God as your ally before you ever realize I'm the one God has for you.

Because it is only in this place of fear that nations are changed.