Freedom

"Let the one without sin cast the first stone, yet the one without sin never had a stone..."

Do we really understand this?

I think this is my problem.

I finally figured it out.

I still really fear God.

I think He's out to get me. That He's waiting for me to mess up. Always watching me, rooting for me to fail. Waiting to take the rug out from under me. Telling me to jump without a parachute.

I believe in some ways that the war, this race, is about pain and not about love. That it's about punishment and not reverence.

Oh and by the way, the war was already won. Remember?

Because if I really understood that God isn't here to condemn, but to save, I would be free.

Freedom is knowing who you live for.

And if I, in my soul of souls, know that the One I live for is FOR ME and not against me...

well,

then I would be unstoppable.

I refuse to believe in a God made in my own image. Made in my own fears, misconceptions and familiarities.

While it's easier to believe in a punitive God, I choose Truth.

I can't survive this life without a God that is for me. I am just frankly too mediocre.

Now that too is freedom.

"So I rejoice in my weaknesses, rejoice in my hardships, rejoice in my persecutions, for when I am weak, then I am strong."

How can Paul write this?

Because he knew who lived for. And he knew that Who he lived for was not his biggest Advocate,

He was his only Advocate.

Freedom.

A new type of rationality, current age: 26

"He asked me, 'Son of man, can these dry bones live?'
I said, 'Sovereign Lord, you alone know.'" - Ezekiel 37: 3

What a bloody honest answer. Because if Ezekiel had said anything else, he would have been such a tool.

How interesting that God asks him. Isn't it supposed to be the other way around? Aren't we supposed to be asking God, can these dry bones live? Can you heal my dad? Can you give me that job? Can you Can you Can you

CAN YOU???

But maybe it's about faith. Obviously, God knows these dry bones can live. Not only did he know they could live, he knew they could be a freakin' army. He took worthless, lifeless, dry, dusty bones and turned them to a throng of flesh with purpose.

And He could have done it alone. I mean He's God. He could have just said: "Ok Ezekiel, you see all these worthless bones. Watch me work kid. I'm going to create a huge something out of an even greater nothing."

Why did Ezekiel have to be in the equation if God already knew the answer?

So maybe it's about faith. About God equipping Ezekiel to have faith in things not seen. A kind of faith that can literally move mountains. A kind of faith that declares: I know my God!

Maybe God was training him to see in the dark. Training him to hope not in the circumstances, but in the immense power of a God who resurrects from the dead. Who can cause water to flow from a rock. A seed to turn into a kingdom. A woman to bear a child at age 100 or by the Holy Spirit. A bush to re-ignite faith.

Because I'm sure after that Ezekiel had swag. He had a pep in his step because he knew not in his head, but in his soul, in his bones, in his chromosomes, that NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE WITH GOD.

He probably became a beast, a monster, the most humble man alive, so in awe of how small we are and how big God is. How powerful, how unpredictable, how reliable.

Faith.

It's not just about believing in things not seen. It's having the courage to bring life to those things not only invisible, but DEAD, because God is real, because God's will trumps logic.

It would have been irrational for Ezekiel to not have faith in things not seen after that.

I want to be that irrational.

There is only One thing I know:

"I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life "its" name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?"

You are good. That is the only thing I know.

And it's enough.

Desiderio Domini

Sometimes You feel so far from me I can barely breathe.

Most times You are closer than my skin.

I feel Your presence like warm water across my back.

Like an arm wrapping me up.

Because I only actually have One desire:

To be with You.

I long for it every hour of every day.

And sometimes I block it out with other things. Mediocrity.

I block it out because sometimes that yearning is too hard to bear.

So I say I long for a husband or a clinic or a friend.

But no.

All of that is so secondary. So secondary.

All I really want is You.

To see Your face.

To no longer need faith.

I love You in a way that ends all logic, all rationale.

I love You in a way that I am not capable.

Because we love only because You loved us first.

I can't wait to see Your beautiful face.

To gaze upon Your countenance.

To hold Your hand and dance with You.

My Father, my Maker, my one true Inheritance.

Heal me Lord so I can only have this focus all the days of my life.

So I can be wholly loyal to You.

So I can walk in fidelity with You.

So my one aim alone is intimacy with You.