Greece

Greece changed me. It's quite simple.

Reading The Shack changed my view of God. That's not so simple.

Traveling alone to a foreign country with nothing familiar to guide you is both exciting and terrifying in varying degrees. Once I sat myself down in the Apollo Hotel at midnight in Athens, I realized the gravity of the journey I had started.

5 days may not seem like a long time when calculated in hours, but when calculated by the soul, it's months, even years.

God was my only friend. He was my only compass. He was my only dinner companion. He slept on the chair next to my bed as I went from hotel to hotel throughout Greece. He was there when I was surrounded by lovers in embrace. He was there when I ate my gyro in Athens, the only person sitting alone in a sea of people. He was there when I traversed all of Athens history with only a map and a prayer. He was there as a passenger had difficulty breathing on the plane ride home, guiding me to do the right thing.

I fell in love with God again in Greece. He loved me so well, no man or woman will ever compare.

Greece was my playground and He was the concerned, but trusting parent, watching me play.

More than anything, with the help of a trusted friend, I realized that Greece was the culmination and ultimate confirmation of a miracle in my life.

I was the girl who could never sleep at night. I used to wake up for every creak or sound at night. I used to stay up watching my doorway, waiting for some inevitable evil. I tried sleeping with one eye open and when this failed, I just stopped sleeping.

Light was my friend and darkness a formidable foe. I used to wait for my parents to come home from work to take a shower because I couldn't do so when I was home alone. When I lived in East LA, I used to sneak into my roommates rooms, and fall asleep on their floors because I couldn't sleep alone in my room. I used to put a chair against the door, as if this were some form of protection against that inevitable evil that never came.

This was my life. I didn't sleep more than 3 hours per night that year. I only took showers at night. I tried Tylenol PM, wine, Friends episodes, therapy, incessant conversations with friends, prayer and saw no results.

Then God took me to Redlands to live alone. And the noises started again, the fears rose up even more loudly. My eyes grew accustomed to my ceiling and door. I could tell you the number of panels on my door, the number of hinges, the type of screws holding it together. I could tell you about the specific cracks on the ceiling, the number of spider webs, the serial number on the smoke alarm.

And then one day, I said enough is enough and I ran to meet Him. I ran through the voices, the fear, the noises, the haunting of the abuse, the screams of my father, the bruises, the cries of my mother and ran to grasp just the lining of His cloak. And He turned around and said, "Daughter you are healed." And that was it.

And now, I traveled alone to a foreign country with no friend in the next room to call upon, no floor to sneak onto, nothing. The fear is so far removed from me, I don't even remember it that well. And there are days, even today, when I hear sounds, creaks, etc. that used to paralyze me. And for a second, I remember, and then immediately I am free again.

True healing is so formidable. True fruitfulness has no sign of human doing, no human effort.

God is to be glorified in all of this.

So Greece was many things. Many stories. A meeting of beautiful people, a realization of my calling as nurse, examples of God's amazing provision, a finding of family in the most unexpected places, waking in faith, seeing structures that Jesus himself saw, resting in God, sleeping in God.

Thank You does not really sum up the level of gratitude and praise I have for my Savior.

So rather I say this: I give my life to You. What do You want me to do?

My commissioning

Today was the first day I realized the true gravity of my calling. All this time, I nonchalantly said, "Oh yeah I want to change the world! I'm going to the change the world. I want to make a dent in poverty and injustice. Go to the the depths of the earth in the midst of war and famine and serve."

But I didn't really know what that meant. I didn't know what I was asking for. I am a moron if I think this is going to be easy. I took it lightly because it wasn't real until now. I said it so often because it was hypothetical. It was a possibility in the distant future.

Well that future just slapped me in the face. That future is not so distant anymore. That calling is now. And more than ever, I am so acutely aware of my inability to realize this dream. Me, the girl who can't watch scary movies, is going to go to war-torn countries to bring Jesus in the form of healthcare to the forgotten and oppressed?

What the hell am I thinking? This WILL cost me everything. Why did that surprise me tonight? Why was this new information to me? Did I think there wouldn't be opposition? That there wouldn't be my own demons and the demons of the world coming against me? There there wouldn't be sacrifice?

I'm terrified. I'm so terrified I almost want to crawl up in a ball and live a normal, complacent, ordinary life. Mediocrity is so much easier.

Do I really want this? Do I really want to start my clinic? To go to Jaffna and fight for the 300,000 there? To go to the Sudan and fight for the millions there?

I'm going to have to really get my shit together because this is real. It's not just a dream anymore. I'm not that fledgling college student in Mark study talking about serving chili on Skid Row. God has called me to so much greater that I'm scared to even move.

I have no capacity, no capability, to do this from my own strength. It will take a God. It will take my complete submission. It will take the endurance of many storms. It will take my dying to everything that is about me and my needs and looking to God for every single thing. It will take a separation from friends and family. It will take a weeding out of loved ones. It will take a willingness to accept the unknown and the mystery of the Trinity. It will take the willingness to lose everything precious to me. It will take supernatural faith.

I am at zero.

Only God can bring me to one.

I'M A NURSE!!!!

On September 15, 2009 at 10am, I became a nurse!!

FERNANDO SHANNON MELANIA
License Type:	Registered Nurse
License Number:	759593
License Status:	ACTIVE Definition
Expiration Date:	December 31, 2010
Issue Date:	September 14, 2009
County:	LOS ANGELES
Actions:	No

God is so good, there are no words to describe it.

Today is the beginning of the rest of my life.

Today is the beginning of the Alabaster Foundation.

Thank you

you really were there for me.

you did walk with me through my hell.

through the faithless comments, the emotional rollercoasters, the bitchy attitudes, the lack of will to live, you persisted.

you sent incessant emails, bible verses, and sermons.

you took time out to have endless conversations about life and never asked for anything in return.

when i shunned you, you came over and cared. when i misunderstood you, you tried to understand me more. when i doubted you, you trusted me more.

i forgot and im so sorry. i forgot how much you poured out for me. how empty you must have felt each day you loved and loved and all i gave back were sloppy answers and delirious phone messages.

i forgot that you walked alongside me when i was unbearable.

thank you.

I remember now.

You are such a good friend and this time I won't ever forget.

To Shannon: From God

Did I not call Shannon to be a healer? And when I call Shannon to be a healer, is she to be the kind of nurse who passes a test and works in a hospital? The test does not make you a healer, Shannon. It is I who makes you a healer. What does the test even calculate? How well you know your manmade words and manmade tricks to be an American nurse? What you require to heal the people I've called you to heal is the Holy Spirit. How can you go to the depths of the earth and heal people with incurable diseases the test cannot even ask you about if you do not have the Holy Spirit?

So why do you ask to pass a test? Should you not ask for the Holy Spirit instead?

Because with the Spirit, you will heal that man with the withered hand. You will heal the bleeding woman. You will heal the blind. The leprous. The lame.

Thank you E. for praying for me and allowing God to use you as a vessel to bless me before my exam. I claim this!