Know

You really do have to.

You have to know what you are about. Deep down. In the recesses of your being. In a place that can be shaken, but never moved.

Because you WILL be questioned. You WILL be tested. You will be criticized, maligned, made to feel inferior. You WILL be loved in ways that turn out to actually be unhealthy.

And to really make a dent in the world, you have to come out of it not with revenge, but love.

The closer I get to God and ask for HIS love for people, the more I stop caring about others.

What I mean is caring for others in the self-focused, futile way I've been.

The closer I get to God and ask for HIS love for people, the less I care about people's opinions about me and the things they think they care about or I should care about.

I care way less about pleasing them and being on their team.

I am developing an aversion to agreeing with people when I know what they are doing is stupid.

I would much rather see the people I love prosper and live the best life possible, than placate them in their mediocrity because THIS is real love.

This may sound arrogant, but truth is truth. And while we must never condemn others, we do have the ability to discern what's life-giving and what's not. It's called a conscience. Oh and prayer. Oh and giving a shit.

I didn't get this before. I thought it was always about being the nice girl. The one that says the right thing so everyone stays my friend and I'm not the bad guy. The well-liked one. That push over. The one that ruffles no feathers, but hey I still have 400 friends on facebook...

But the thing about this is this: it's fruitless. The friendships remain the same and neither person actually gains anything from it.

No, but on a way more important level: it's actually not honoring to God to live this way. He said lay down one's life for a friend, not live a spineless life so the friendship remains intact.

See, that makes it serious.

And it all goes back to knowing who you are and who you live for. In the midst of all the haters, the irate doctors, the backstabbing co-workers, the friends that come and go, the parents that love only when convenient, the men who love you so well most of the time...

In the midst of the man that sends you flowers every other day, the friends that quote your fb status because they have you on a pedestal, the nursing executives who applaud your work, the 1000 friends on twitter who support your art, the pastor who applauds you...

In the midst of all these negative and positive things, you have to know where your lot lies.

You know you have life and worth in something when in its being taken away, you are DESTROYED, decimated, lost.

You really shouldn't have THAT much life in anything except God because everything else is fleeting, temporary, unreliable.

God may be unpredictable, but He's always reliable. That much I know.

See knowing who you are frees you up to really love people, haters and friends alike. That man in your life that you love but maybe shouldn't be so close to just yet. That parent in your life you have ignored because it's easier to avoid him or her. That friend that is so co-dependent but you haven't had the heart to let go of because it placates some unholy need within you to be needed.

Most of the time true love looks REALLY different than what comes naturally to us. Love is sometimes the opposite of the obvious. Sometimes it's silence, sometimes it's more No's than Yes. Sometimes it's distance and not proximity.

And the way you judge, is by fruit. If your actions propel loved ones forward, frees them like a bird, enables them to reach that ultimate level of self-actualization that is so damn pleasing to their Creator, then you've loved.

Confession: I haven't done a whole lot of that in my life.

Think about it, when Jesus walked on earth, He wasn't always cheery and so accessible. Many times He withdrew to a distant, quite place, He overthrew tables, He even said No to His mother.

Not out of bitterness or malice, but out of love. Out of a knowledge of a greater purpose for those He loved.

So as I plead with God to fill me with His real and true love for His world, I realize that I need an emptying of my false love, my natural tendency to love from my own sense of good and people-pleasing.

It's freeing to know we aren't capable of true love for anything or anyone. We really don't know what we desire.

This only propels me closer to God, knowing that only He can fill me in a way that bears much fruit. Fruit that is glorifying to Him and finally spreads HIS much needed love to the corner of the world He has so graciously given over to me.

For when we are weak, He is strong. Praise God.

Amen.

Single

It is sobering when you realize how much your thoughts are NOT His thoughts. How your ways are so NOT His ways.

No matter how sure you are of anything, all must be submitted unto Him and His purposes. All must be clarified. All must be held loosely. He really does give and take away.

I am learning now that hearing from God is a lifelong process that will include many, many mistakes, misinterpretations and setbacks. Not because God isn't clear or because He is one of confusion.

But because we are just simply that inadequate. Because it's like a lion trying to talk to an ant. But by His immense mercy, He so desperately wants to speak, to enlighten, to communicate. Treasures in jars of clay. We are the clay jars and He is our treasure. Why He chose to take up residence in such an inopportune place, I'll never know. I mean Jesus was born in a stable so go figure.

This process of hearing, in my experience, is toughest when it comes to matters of the heart. This could mean relationships, jobs we think we really want, destinies we feel we've been promised, etc.

So many times the things we think we really desire amount to lust. Temporary fixes based on emotion and not fire.

I am only now figuring out what I REALLY desire. And that's because I am now only realizing that I want this desire to come from the Other Side and not from myself. I want a deposit from the Most High. Not something based on my social preferences, my talents, my whims, my bleeding heart, my neediness.

More importantly, I realize now that this deposit should and has to come now when I am single. Before I give my heart over to any earthly man. Because it's true, no matter how much you disagree, the way you interact and give of yourself to God will be wholly different when married. That's just the truth.

So I re-commit to this time of singleness. I want it to result in immense fruit, fruit that is wrought from an intimacy with God that is unique to singleness. I proclaim to my God that it is in fact an honor that I have lived all these years with only Him to lean on, watch sunsets with, turn to in times of need and joy.

Today, I feel so blessed to be single. I am so excited to receive that deposit. To be ignited in a way that doesn't need human hype or human doing. But to be released into my purpose so fully that I become relentless, an animal.

Son of David, have mercy on me! Fill me with love and desire that will tilt nations. I'm ready.

The Year of God's Power: 2011

Psalm 126

When the LORD restored the fortunes of Zion,
we were like those who dreamed.
Our mouths were filled with laughter,
our tongues with songs of joy.
Then it was said among the nations,
“The LORD has done great things for them.”
The LORD has done great things for us,
and we are filled with joy.

Restore our fortunes, LORD,
like streams in the Negev.
Those who sow with tears
will reap with songs of joy.
Those who go out weeping,
carrying seed to sow,
will return with songs of joy,
carrying sheaves with them.