Day 1

I cry, sob, heave.

I don't know this place, I say.

It knows you though, He says.

And then the cries don't hurt anymore, they don't subside, they linger like a kiss.

The cries turn into such immense notes of praise, of love, of utter and complete dependence.

I was always Here. Never far. I know you.

So I crave loneliness, yearn for emptiness, grasp intensely for the feeling of thirst, destitution, poverty.

Because it is in its filling that joy is birthed. It is in its divine satisfaction that worlds are changed, cities renewed, families healed, lives saved.

Because everything else is futile. The text messages, tv shows, musings of relationships, balanced check books, textbooks, nothing else can fill That place.

I love You so much it burns. It burns away any remnant of hope in anything else but Our relationship. I am so desperate I can't breathe without you. I really am nothing without You. And not in a self-deprecating way. But in a way that recognizes how limitless You are and how finite I am without You. In a way that understands that impossibilities only occur through faith.

And not churched faith. Not faith that can be intellectualized. Faith that is squeezed like pus from a wound. From loss, sacrifice, accomplishments, success, pain. Faith that oozes, carries with it every doubt and sin. That in its rawest form is filthy and so human, so totally aware of its illogical nature and yet is infused with power, light...

Grace.



And so I sit on my red couch so totally alone.

That is all I ever wanted, He says.

For me to be alone? I say

No, He says

For Us to be together.