Nothing

My shoes, filled with rain and shit, made gurgling sounds as I walked slowly and reluctantly back.
My clothes caked with doubt. I reeked of guilt. The mud held on to me like crust on a bottom of a dirty pan. It slowed me down and yet it was so familiar. It's stench, so easy to get used to.

As I neared it, the mud had dried. A wind picked up and pieces of it started flaking of. It left a trail as if to remind me of how far I had come.

And then He saw me.

From a wide expanse, I looked up and all I could see were His eyes. And then all I remember is being embraced. The embrace stunned me and I hated it. I hated its love. The idealism of such radical forgiveness. This embrace of dependency. How dare He embrace me when I'm so dirty. Doesn't He have some damn pride?

His embrace turned into tears. And the saltiness cut through. I tasted it across my cheeks. Why was He so happy? I don't get it.

We didn't speak. We just walked onward.

Once inside, the velvet felt itchy against my skin. I wasn't used to it. The smells in His house were familiar, but still so distant. I ached for normalcy. But then I chose to come back. Now I wasn't so sure.

Here He's in charge. Here love is in control and not me. Here, money has no value. Here, I apparently can dress any way I want to. Here, apparently when I look in the mirror, I see an image of goodness. I don't get it.

But my utter confusion and frustration didn't deter His strange joy. He worked busily in the kitchen making me food. I was really hungry. He put on the music I apparently loved when I was little. When I was being etched together, He played this for me He claims.

I felt stifled by all of this and yet longed for it at the same time. Every inch of my body kept saying, you're gonna pay for this later. This goodness isn't going to last. You have work to keep this charade up. Work you fuck up. Work and keep working so at least you'll have food and a place to sleep.

So I got up and started to sweep. I secretly went through His massive house and started dusting. He was so happy in this kitchen, He didn't realize I was gone until He saw me washing His car.

He rushed toward me with tears in His eyes. He put His hand on my hand and dropped the sponge in the bucket. I looked at him. Shit! I'm doing it wrong probably. He asked me where my robe was and I why I was wearing my old clothes.

I told him I didn't want to get it dirty. I mean I can't screw up other people's things.

He looked down sadly and led me into the house and walked back into the kitchen. He started cooking again.

I was so fucking confused. What do you want me from me I screamed. What do you fucking want from me??

He came out of the kitchen with a chocolate cake in His hands and placed it in front of me. He found the cloak and put it around the chair I was sitting on. He turned down the music and brought in a chair and sat right in front of me. And then He just looked into my eyes.

And I asked Him again, just tell me what you want. I'll do it. I mean whatever. I don't care anymore.

He kept silent. He took my hand and kissed it.

He looked up and leaned into my ear and whispered...

"Nothing."