It shifted so easily it seems

She's the woman I never thought she could be. 

Grace overcame her. He finally won. She finally stopped running or maybe He finally caught up with her.

As I am being reborn so is she. Change always happened so drastically for us. We never knew when we might be calling the police again. We never knew what color bruises we would have the next day. We never knew how locked the doors needed to be.

But it shifted. We never knew that one day she would wake up and want a different life. Never knew that decorating my apartment would make her want her own. Never knew that me sitting alone in Redlands, crying over my broken wine glass, instead of running back home to security, would make her want her own life.

Change always happens so drastically for us.

So here I sit, totally stunned by the power of God. Totally stunned by the persistence of God to answer prayers I prayed at the age of 7. Totally amazed by a God who knows exactly the needs of His children and when to fulfill them. 

So I write this as a prayer of thanksgiving. It's been 29 years for her. 24 years for me. 29 years for him. 

Thank you that you are the ultimate Healer. Thank you that I can thank you now for blessings to come. Thank you for loving us so much that you never ever give up. Thank you that you know how much we can handle. Thank you for a love that surpasses all understanding. 

Thank you for change. For a break in the cycle. For revelation. For grace. For mercy. 

To you, my half,  I love you more than life itself. I give you over to Him. I submit your life and lovingly impart you over. You are no longer mine. You are no longer his. You belong to something so much bigger. A wider, deeper, revolution. I submit you and say I trust. Love and be loved. Let Him open up spaces within you and heal the brokenness. Let Him unleash the fire within you so that it may strengthen your bones and carry you on to sweet rest. Let Him love you the way your father loved you. Let Him see you the way your father saw you. Allow Him to re-grow the parts within you that have died. You are no longer defined by these 29 years. You are no longer defined by the abuse. You are the daughter of the Most High. The daughter of the living and true God. Give yourself over to healing and be born anew.

To you, my other half, I love you more than life itself. I give your life over to Him. I submit you and trust God for healing. For refuge. For revelation. For sustenance. For a deep, profound, break in the curves of your soul. You weren't born for this my love. You weren't meant for this. Your beauty is transcendent. Your life an array of colors mixing and separating. Your being unique in all its nature. Allow Him to release you unto mercy. You are forgiven. I forgive you. Forgive me. Love and be loved. Heal and be healed. See and be seen. Be born anew.

And I looked up and everything had shifted. 

Nothing

My shoes, filled with rain and shit, made gurgling sounds as I walked slowly and reluctantly back.
My clothes caked with doubt. I reeked of guilt. The mud held on to me like crust on a bottom of a dirty pan. It slowed me down and yet it was so familiar. It's stench, so easy to get used to.

As I neared it, the mud had dried. A wind picked up and pieces of it started flaking of. It left a trail as if to remind me of how far I had come.

And then He saw me.

From a wide expanse, I looked up and all I could see were His eyes. And then all I remember is being embraced. The embrace stunned me and I hated it. I hated its love. The idealism of such radical forgiveness. This embrace of dependency. How dare He embrace me when I'm so dirty. Doesn't He have some damn pride?

His embrace turned into tears. And the saltiness cut through. I tasted it across my cheeks. Why was He so happy? I don't get it.

We didn't speak. We just walked onward.

Once inside, the velvet felt itchy against my skin. I wasn't used to it. The smells in His house were familiar, but still so distant. I ached for normalcy. But then I chose to come back. Now I wasn't so sure.

Here He's in charge. Here love is in control and not me. Here, money has no value. Here, I apparently can dress any way I want to. Here, apparently when I look in the mirror, I see an image of goodness. I don't get it.

But my utter confusion and frustration didn't deter His strange joy. He worked busily in the kitchen making me food. I was really hungry. He put on the music I apparently loved when I was little. When I was being etched together, He played this for me He claims.

I felt stifled by all of this and yet longed for it at the same time. Every inch of my body kept saying, you're gonna pay for this later. This goodness isn't going to last. You have work to keep this charade up. Work you fuck up. Work and keep working so at least you'll have food and a place to sleep.

So I got up and started to sweep. I secretly went through His massive house and started dusting. He was so happy in this kitchen, He didn't realize I was gone until He saw me washing His car.

He rushed toward me with tears in His eyes. He put His hand on my hand and dropped the sponge in the bucket. I looked at him. Shit! I'm doing it wrong probably. He asked me where my robe was and I why I was wearing my old clothes.

I told him I didn't want to get it dirty. I mean I can't screw up other people's things.

He looked down sadly and led me into the house and walked back into the kitchen. He started cooking again.

I was so fucking confused. What do you want me from me I screamed. What do you fucking want from me??

He came out of the kitchen with a chocolate cake in His hands and placed it in front of me. He found the cloak and put it around the chair I was sitting on. He turned down the music and brought in a chair and sat right in front of me. And then He just looked into my eyes.

And I asked Him again, just tell me what you want. I'll do it. I mean whatever. I don't care anymore.

He kept silent. He took my hand and kissed it.

He looked up and leaned into my ear and whispered...

"Nothing."