It feels surreal to even write this blog because in the last two months, my entire life has changed. It feels surreal because on June 30, 200 people showed up and almost $7000 was raised at A Night for Kenya. It feels surreal because one month after this, a team of 7 people went to Kenya on Alabaster Mobile Clinic's first medical trip and 1400 people were impacted.
It feels surreal because a vision that was unearthed 7 years ago, came to fruition.
There are actually no words to express how unbelievable the above statement is. I don't fully believe even still that the last two months were real. I have to look at photographs every day to convince myself.
Every day I pray and all I can say is: Praise You God. It feels like too small a phrase when I think about all God has done and how all His promises were actually FULFILLED. That was in fact the theme of this year.
I have been trying to fully describe all that I learned and experienced in A Night for Kenya and Alabaster's trip to Kenya. It's a daunting task because in a matter of months, 7 years of prayer, dreaming, love, doubting, fears, sadness, joy culminated.
So here's my attempt. What I learned is this:
God's grace is sufficient in our weakness. GRACE. GRACE. GRACE.
It is by God's grace that 200 people showed up and gave so generously at a concert that was planned and put together in less than 2 months.
It is by God's grace that all 7 team members of Alabaster arrived safely in Kenya and arrived safely back home.
It is by God's grace that my mother was able to meet and spend time with her sponsor child, Seiyo.
It is by God's grace that 1400 people were given malaria medications, typhoid vaccines, dewormed, educated on health, or reassured about their health.
It is by God's grace that in the midst of a literal jungle - lions, scorpions, bats, audacious crickets, no running water, no electricity, no sanitation, no sleeping arrangements, our team remained protected, sane, and even joyful.
It is by God's grace that we made long-lasting partnerships that will shift the trajectory of an entire region.
GRACE.
See, changing the world, making a difference, creating a "dent" in the world, all of these happen in only one way:
GRACE.
God doesn't need us. He can end poverty, disease, injustice with one swift stroke. But by His GRACE He desires to use broken, ordinary, messed up people to carry out His amazing and beautiful will and purpose.
By His grace, His power and miracles interact with our weakness and create light, love, mercy...Shalom.
I felt weak 100% of the time in Kenya. But I praise God for that because in my weakness, God was glorified. I was not equipped in my humanity to do any of God's work. I'm at my core, a scared, needy, weak, inexperienced, young girl who lucked out because God chose me.
God chose me by His grace. Not because I have what it takes.
I learned the meaning of resting in His grace. Not just resting, but surviving on it, relying on it, being so desperate for it that it became the air I breathed.
So my little piece of wisdom to you is this:
We are and always will be defined by His grace.
Nothing we do or experience is deserved. Nothing is earned. You don't earn the ability to interact with people like those in the Maasai tribe and learn firsthand the resilience and love it takes to live a fulfilled life in abject poverty. You don't earn the ability to lead a team of incredible healthcare professionals who know 10 x more than you do and yet trust you with their lives. You don't earn amazing friends who will traverse the world with you and support you even when they have to go to the bathroom in thorny, scorpion-infested bushes. You don't earn having an incredible team of loved ones - family, church family, friends who sacrifice time, money, skill, and life to get behind your dream and vision.
It is only by God's grace.
I wear it now as a cloak. His grace is my armor. His grace is my breath.
I know nothing else but His grace.
This will be my final blog entry on this site.
You can find me here:
http://hisgracemyweakness.blogspot.com/
The next chapter of my life begins.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Monday, June 25, 2012
People ask me
What is it like? You are living out your calling, your dream has come true. Everything is falling into place.
The truth is when you are at the heights, that is when things are hardest. Not because of external circumstances. No. Things are in place, you are exactly where you are supposed to be. But there's something so fundamental within you that rears its ugly head trying to kill and suffocate every bit of joy of this season.
Let me correct that. Our fight is not against things of the flesh, but powers and principalities. But there is an essential brokenness within us that responds to the battle by cowering, submitting, and just accepting that things can't be this good and there be joy and peace also. We don't live in a fairy tale.
That's a lie. It's all a lie. Jesus says in the book of John, abide in me and your joy will be COMPLETE.
Complete.
The truth is that, our God, the God of the universe, the One who was also a man and suffered all the same things we suffer and more, that God desires for us to have complete joy in Him.
However, the first lesson I ever learned as a brand new Christian was this:
Choose joy.
It's a choice, every single moment of every single day. And in the season where you are at the heights, choosing joy actually looks more like fighting for joy.
It's a battle. An intense one. God never calls you into safe territory especially when you are walking out His calling for you. It's uncomfortable, frightening, unnerving, and miraculous.
Think about David as he stood before Goliath, or Moses as he stood before the Red Sea. Or Martin Luther King Jr. as he stood in front of that crowd, or Mother Theresa as she traversed war zones to get to her people. Just think what was going through their heads.
The key to winning the battle is this:
Well here's what is not the key. It has absolutely nothing to do with your holiness, strength, talent, ability, skill, amount of prayer times, amount of Bible verses read, or worship songs sung.
The key to winning the battle is this:
Pure, laser-like focus, on Jesus Christ.
All other things must and will fall away. Family, friends, loved ones, ministry, church, leadership, all of it becomes secondary, a fading mist.
Psalm 45 says:
"Daughter, forget your people and your father's house. Let the king be enthralled by your beauty, honor him for he is your lord."
Forget, leave behind all else. It seems contradictory to leave behind all you love because isn't God all about loving others?
But see, the key is to take your focus of others in that need-to-please, I-must-love-you, kind of way. We must forget all that and focus on God and then we are free to love others unto God and not unto ourselves.
You can be for others, instead of always wondering who is for you.
Pure, laser-like focus on Jesus, also known, in John 15, as abiding, is the key to winning the battle for complete Joy.
As a matter of fact, it's the key to living a life that is pleasing to God and loving to others. It is the key to truly making an impact that lasts.
This may all seem very simple, but in these mountaintop seasons, sometimes joy is hindered by so many things. Whether it's powers and principalities, your own personal sabotaging, or your reaction to external circumstances both good and bad, joy somehow get's lost. She gets pushed to the back of the crowd along with peace and gratitude.
But we must pull her back. We must run after her, fight for her, because God wants our joy to be complete.
So 5 days before the biggest event in my life next to my future wedding, I say this:
I choose joy.
I choose Jesus, the Lover of my soul, my King.
I choose to honor Him above all the other noises, the pressure, the opinions, the lack of and overwhelming support. I choose to honor Him over my own fears, sadness, insecurities, and anxiety.
I choose You, Lord.
May you be enthralled by the beauty within me that comes solely from You.
The truth is when you are at the heights, that is when things are hardest. Not because of external circumstances. No. Things are in place, you are exactly where you are supposed to be. But there's something so fundamental within you that rears its ugly head trying to kill and suffocate every bit of joy of this season.
Let me correct that. Our fight is not against things of the flesh, but powers and principalities. But there is an essential brokenness within us that responds to the battle by cowering, submitting, and just accepting that things can't be this good and there be joy and peace also. We don't live in a fairy tale.
That's a lie. It's all a lie. Jesus says in the book of John, abide in me and your joy will be COMPLETE.
Complete.
The truth is that, our God, the God of the universe, the One who was also a man and suffered all the same things we suffer and more, that God desires for us to have complete joy in Him.
However, the first lesson I ever learned as a brand new Christian was this:
Choose joy.
It's a choice, every single moment of every single day. And in the season where you are at the heights, choosing joy actually looks more like fighting for joy.
It's a battle. An intense one. God never calls you into safe territory especially when you are walking out His calling for you. It's uncomfortable, frightening, unnerving, and miraculous.
Think about David as he stood before Goliath, or Moses as he stood before the Red Sea. Or Martin Luther King Jr. as he stood in front of that crowd, or Mother Theresa as she traversed war zones to get to her people. Just think what was going through their heads.
The key to winning the battle is this:
Well here's what is not the key. It has absolutely nothing to do with your holiness, strength, talent, ability, skill, amount of prayer times, amount of Bible verses read, or worship songs sung.
The key to winning the battle is this:
Pure, laser-like focus, on Jesus Christ.
All other things must and will fall away. Family, friends, loved ones, ministry, church, leadership, all of it becomes secondary, a fading mist.
Psalm 45 says:
"Daughter, forget your people and your father's house. Let the king be enthralled by your beauty, honor him for he is your lord."
Forget, leave behind all else. It seems contradictory to leave behind all you love because isn't God all about loving others?
But see, the key is to take your focus of others in that need-to-please, I-must-love-you, kind of way. We must forget all that and focus on God and then we are free to love others unto God and not unto ourselves.
You can be for others, instead of always wondering who is for you.
Pure, laser-like focus on Jesus, also known, in John 15, as abiding, is the key to winning the battle for complete Joy.
As a matter of fact, it's the key to living a life that is pleasing to God and loving to others. It is the key to truly making an impact that lasts.
This may all seem very simple, but in these mountaintop seasons, sometimes joy is hindered by so many things. Whether it's powers and principalities, your own personal sabotaging, or your reaction to external circumstances both good and bad, joy somehow get's lost. She gets pushed to the back of the crowd along with peace and gratitude.
But we must pull her back. We must run after her, fight for her, because God wants our joy to be complete.
So 5 days before the biggest event in my life next to my future wedding, I say this:
I choose joy.
I choose Jesus, the Lover of my soul, my King.
I choose to honor Him above all the other noises, the pressure, the opinions, the lack of and overwhelming support. I choose to honor Him over my own fears, sadness, insecurities, and anxiety.
I choose You, Lord.
May you be enthralled by the beauty within me that comes solely from You.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Calling
This is the topic of conversation for so many of us these days. Especially those of us nearing our 30's. What is my purpose? What is my calling?
This is something I have often wrestled with. 7 years ago I heard God "call" me. I heard it audibly. See that's the first thing about calling I have learned. It's an audible call. It's not just an idea you dream up. It actually has less to do with you and much more to do with the One who calls.
This year, the call I heard from God became a reality. I have experienced more joy and more fear all at the same time this year than any other year before it. I have experienced facing my deepest inadequacies and insecurities square in the face because here's the thing about calling:
It's not really about what you are good at or skilled at. In fact, those things can actually be a hindrance to your calling.
As I began this year, I imagined myself a clay jar being molded to fit the calling God gave me. I imagined Alabaster Mobile Clinic, the organization God told me to start 7 years ago, and I imagined myself being molded to fit it. As if I was a flat piece of dough and this Alabaster-shaped cookie cutter was being pressed into me each day. Each day, I was being formed more and more, being filled up more and more to fit this calling, to be more fit to run it, lead it, get donors, be a better nurse, etc.
I found myself actually becoming a better person. I started thinking about others more than myself. I started interceding for others before praying for myself. All of this, I thought was because I was being molded and shaped to run Alabaster.
I was so wrong.
See, Alabaster is not my calling. It is part of my calling, yes. It is a huge part of who I am and what I will be. And it is one of the most sacred things in my life. It is the seed that was conceived within me by the Holy Spirit even before I was born.
But I am not being molded and shaped to fit it.
I am being molded and shaped to be more and more like Jesus.
Jesus is my calling.
I am called to love and serve Him and Him alone in all I do. I find myself becoming a better version of myself because He is making me more like Him.
Alabaster is secondary. Our calling no matter how great is secondary to this fundamental truth:
We are called to be children of God, the beloved of the Most High.
The only way I can ever be fulfilled is to continually and consistently love and adore Him, acknowledge Him in all my ways, and seek Him first.
It is in seeking Him with all my body, mind, and soul that I inherit the riches of my calling:
To love and to be loved by the Creator of the universe.
.
This is something I have often wrestled with. 7 years ago I heard God "call" me. I heard it audibly. See that's the first thing about calling I have learned. It's an audible call. It's not just an idea you dream up. It actually has less to do with you and much more to do with the One who calls.
This year, the call I heard from God became a reality. I have experienced more joy and more fear all at the same time this year than any other year before it. I have experienced facing my deepest inadequacies and insecurities square in the face because here's the thing about calling:
It's not really about what you are good at or skilled at. In fact, those things can actually be a hindrance to your calling.
As I began this year, I imagined myself a clay jar being molded to fit the calling God gave me. I imagined Alabaster Mobile Clinic, the organization God told me to start 7 years ago, and I imagined myself being molded to fit it. As if I was a flat piece of dough and this Alabaster-shaped cookie cutter was being pressed into me each day. Each day, I was being formed more and more, being filled up more and more to fit this calling, to be more fit to run it, lead it, get donors, be a better nurse, etc.
I found myself actually becoming a better person. I started thinking about others more than myself. I started interceding for others before praying for myself. All of this, I thought was because I was being molded and shaped to run Alabaster.
I was so wrong.
See, Alabaster is not my calling. It is part of my calling, yes. It is a huge part of who I am and what I will be. And it is one of the most sacred things in my life. It is the seed that was conceived within me by the Holy Spirit even before I was born.
But I am not being molded and shaped to fit it.
I am being molded and shaped to be more and more like Jesus.
Jesus is my calling.
I am called to love and serve Him and Him alone in all I do. I find myself becoming a better version of myself because He is making me more like Him.
Alabaster is secondary. Our calling no matter how great is secondary to this fundamental truth:
We are called to be children of God, the beloved of the Most High.
The only way I can ever be fulfilled is to continually and consistently love and adore Him, acknowledge Him in all my ways, and seek Him first.
It is in seeking Him with all my body, mind, and soul that I inherit the riches of my calling:
To love and to be loved by the Creator of the universe.
.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
How can I not be moved by You?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fjDojEOiMcE
Listen to the song. Read the lyrics.
We are so desperate for this to be true in our lives. For someone to love us like this. To be able to love someone like this.
But each and every moment of each and every day, this is true.
It's True because He loves us like this.
Every moment, of every second, of every day.
Listen to the song. Read the lyrics.
We are so desperate for this to be true in our lives. For someone to love us like this. To be able to love someone like this.
But each and every moment of each and every day, this is true.
It's True because He loves us like this.
Every moment, of every second, of every day.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Thank you Kaiser Permanente
http://nursingpathways.kp.org/national/news/featured/archive/2012/20120207compassion.html
Monday, February 6, 2012
7 years ago
7 years ago, I returned from an island. A beautiful place. I went there to serve, but that's not what happened. It showed me who I was. It birthed me. It conceived in me a tiny seed. Inconsequential, perhaps.
I knelt in that church somewhere in west LA and sobbed. I sensed its conception. I caught a tiny glimpse of the life God had for me. He spoke in short phrases, not sentences. I responded with groans, not answers. "Heal," He said. "Create," He said. "Trust," He said.
A stranger approached. "God will give you everything you need for what He just called you to." I didn't understand it then. I was 20 years old. A kid in so many ways.
I held onto that word. Mildly. Many times I even forgot. But my subconscious never did. Without knowing it, my life moved, shifted, adapted, to make room for its growth. Just as the mother's body changes to make room for her growing baby.
At age 21, I carved the word into a piece of wood. Dry, lifeless, perhaps, but infused with His promise. With that tiny seed. I showed it to my friends. They nodded in agreement, but we didn't fully know anything then. It was a dream then. Hypothetical even. A distant vision.
My life shifted when I didn't get into medical school. Made room when I spent a year living in a convent serving LA's homeless.
The seed grew as I lived in Africa's largest slum. It seemed so random you see. So easily dismissed. But He knew. He formed. He displaced all that was in the way.
See, God's promise has everything to do with His purposes and workings and actually nothing to do with our abilities, talents, or even persistence. All He needs is for us to have an inkling of faith, not to dismiss what He has promised, even in whispers. And even in our dismissal, He remains faithful.
In all the up's and down's, all the closed doors, rejections, God's Yes ALWAYS remained. His Yes never changed. It's so important to know this. Our inheritance doesn't diminish with time. Our inheritance doesn't diminish in the face of obstacles. It doesn't diminish even in the face of our own doubt and hopelessness. 1 Peter 1: 3-9
So today, 7 years since that whisper. Since that seamless conception that could have so easily been dismissed. 7 years later, God spoke yet again.
This time, He didn't speak in short phrases. This time His word wasn't conception.
This time, His word was: fruition. Life, breath, movement.
Feb 6, 2012. It's official. God's word will never return to Him void. It's official. God is always faithful. It's official.
The next phase of my life just began.
To God and God alone be the glory.
Alabaster Mobile Clinic
I knelt in that church somewhere in west LA and sobbed. I sensed its conception. I caught a tiny glimpse of the life God had for me. He spoke in short phrases, not sentences. I responded with groans, not answers. "Heal," He said. "Create," He said. "Trust," He said.
A stranger approached. "God will give you everything you need for what He just called you to." I didn't understand it then. I was 20 years old. A kid in so many ways.
I held onto that word. Mildly. Many times I even forgot. But my subconscious never did. Without knowing it, my life moved, shifted, adapted, to make room for its growth. Just as the mother's body changes to make room for her growing baby.
At age 21, I carved the word into a piece of wood. Dry, lifeless, perhaps, but infused with His promise. With that tiny seed. I showed it to my friends. They nodded in agreement, but we didn't fully know anything then. It was a dream then. Hypothetical even. A distant vision.
My life shifted when I didn't get into medical school. Made room when I spent a year living in a convent serving LA's homeless.
The seed grew as I lived in Africa's largest slum. It seemed so random you see. So easily dismissed. But He knew. He formed. He displaced all that was in the way.
See, God's promise has everything to do with His purposes and workings and actually nothing to do with our abilities, talents, or even persistence. All He needs is for us to have an inkling of faith, not to dismiss what He has promised, even in whispers. And even in our dismissal, He remains faithful.
In all the up's and down's, all the closed doors, rejections, God's Yes ALWAYS remained. His Yes never changed. It's so important to know this. Our inheritance doesn't diminish with time. Our inheritance doesn't diminish in the face of obstacles. It doesn't diminish even in the face of our own doubt and hopelessness. 1 Peter 1: 3-9
So today, 7 years since that whisper. Since that seamless conception that could have so easily been dismissed. 7 years later, God spoke yet again.
This time, He didn't speak in short phrases. This time His word wasn't conception.
This time, His word was: fruition. Life, breath, movement.
Feb 6, 2012. It's official. God's word will never return to Him void. It's official. God is always faithful. It's official.
The next phase of my life just began.
To God and God alone be the glory.
Alabaster Mobile Clinic
Sunday, November 27, 2011
We are so incredibly blessed
"The love for equals is a human thing - of friend for friend, brother for brother. It is to love what is lovely ad loving. The world smiles.
The love for the less fortunate is a beautiful thing - the love for those who suffer, for those who are poor, the sick, the failures, the unlovely. This is compassion, and it touches the heart of the world.
The love for the more fortunate is a rare thing - to love those who succeed where we fail, to rejoice without envy with those who rejoice, the love of the poor for the rich. The world is always bewildered by its saints.
And then there is the love for the enemy - love for the one who does not love you, but mocks, threatens, and inflicts pain. The tortured's love for the torturer.
This is God's love.
It conquers the world."
- Frederick Buechner
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J95rAr0gOFU
The love for the less fortunate is a beautiful thing - the love for those who suffer, for those who are poor, the sick, the failures, the unlovely. This is compassion, and it touches the heart of the world.
The love for the more fortunate is a rare thing - to love those who succeed where we fail, to rejoice without envy with those who rejoice, the love of the poor for the rich. The world is always bewildered by its saints.
And then there is the love for the enemy - love for the one who does not love you, but mocks, threatens, and inflicts pain. The tortured's love for the torturer.
This is God's love.
It conquers the world."
- Frederick Buechner
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J95rAr0gOFU
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