"The love for equals is a human thing - of friend for friend, brother for brother. It is to love what is lovely ad loving. The world smiles.
The love for the less fortunate is a beautiful thing - the love for those who suffer, for those who are poor, the sick, the failures, the unlovely. This is compassion, and it touches the heart of the world.
The love for the more fortunate is a rare thing - to love those who succeed where we fail, to rejoice without envy with those who rejoice, the love of the poor for the rich. The world is always bewildered by its saints.
And then there is the love for the enemy - love for the one who does not love you, but mocks, threatens, and inflicts pain. The tortured's love for the torturer.
This is God's love.
It conquers the world."
- Frederick Buechner
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J95rAr0gOFU
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Friday, October 28, 2011
Free
What does it mean to truly be free?
It's interesting because free is actually different from freedom. I can have freedom and still not be free.
Get it? Having free will is not being free. Actually, the longer you walk with God, the more you realize that free will is often the antithesis of being free. Can I get an Amen?
Being free has nothing to do with having the freedom to do whatever you want. It has nothing to do with being above something. It has nothing to do with being free of something, negative or positive. These may be byproducts, but not the essence of being free. Being free is this: knowing who you are IN God and who God is. See when you know this, nothing has hold on you. Good or bad.
Free is characterized by the truth. Who you truly are and who God truly is.
Being free has to do with living out truth. Or perhaps being vulnerable enough to let the truth find you.
The most free person, is the person that is 100% him or herself consistently. It is only in being real, that you meet the living God. See God won't heal a figment of your imagination or the person you try to be or not be. He fixes you, the real you. We aren't really fooling anyone, least of all God.
I've realized something after 8 intentional years of following God:
I will never reach my fullest potential, the greatest version of myself, if I'm not free. Unless every thing is in it's rightful place, starting with God.
So how do you even become free?
I mean I can say I'm myself and I love God, and He's on the throne, and yet still be consumed in insecurity, fear, and inadequacy. Still be held by people's opinions. Still need the security of money or material goods. Still be held by affirmation from men.
Here's what I think:
You aren't really free, unless you've experienced being shackled without the key. To really understand what it means to be free, you have to learn to thrive in prison. That's why Joseph was a monster. He thrived everywhere. His free was not based on favorable circumstances or even well being. It was a different caliber of free.
See because in order to be indestructible, you have to be destroyed first. That's like the basic tenet of the Bible. Unless a grain falls to the ground and dies, it will not yield a harvest. Jesus was crucified before He lived forever.
Once you die and rise, nothing else matters except the One that rose you. You are gripped, seized, consumed by Him and His purposes for you.
And when that happens. People's opinions, the world's titles, that man or woman's level of attraction to you, how much money you make, how many people you get to come to church, whatever mediocre measure of status, acceptance, or love you may have needed or deemed important, all of these things become laughable.
I would have to argue that David killed Goliath, not because he had courage, not even because he had immense faith.
He killed Goliath because he was free. Free to fail or succeed. Free to be a shepherd boy in front of a giant. Free to wrestle with his own inadequacy and lack of skill and simultaneously believe in a God who uses the meek to humble the mighty. David didn't give a flying crap about his competence or lack thereof. He just knew who He belonged to.
David became Goliath in that moment. He became a beast.
Free understands who God is in comparison to every worldly construct, even humans. Who messes with the armies of the living God? said David. It's not that he thought he could win, he knew God already won. It's that simple.
Let's keep it real. The majority of Christians in America will never fully understand this level of victory. They will never experience surviving the lions' den, slaying the giant, thriving in prison.
Why?
Because they choose free will over being free. We consistently choose our familiar, comfortable, satisfying, easy, agendas over God's fire, over His training, over His pruning.
Wanna know the easiest antidote for our lazy, disgusting, existence?
Saying this phrase:
"Not my will, but Thy will be done."
Isn't that what Jesus said in the Garden before He was crucified?
Isn't that what Moses essentially did when he threw down his staff? He submitted everything he had, everything he was to God, who eventually turned him into a sea-divider.
Isn't that what Abraham did when he tied Isaac to that altar?
See when you say those four words, you say to God: I no longer belong to myself or to the world, I belong to You. I am willing to give up what is most precious to me.
And then you will experience a death, a throwing down, that will result in eternal and glorious consequences: victory, miracles, power, joy, love.
You will be free.
Free understands more fully a God who gives freely, graciously, and without measure or condition, to all His children
Free also exalts and praises a God who takes away, disciplines, trains in love
Free understands the sovereignty of a God who in EVERY circumstance is for us
Free understands that Jesus overcame the entire world. Past tense.
When you are free, you are not weighed down anymore by anything or anyone. Not even yourself.
You fly.
And as you fly, you have one and only one aim:
To get to the One who gave you your wings.
It's interesting because free is actually different from freedom. I can have freedom and still not be free.
Get it? Having free will is not being free. Actually, the longer you walk with God, the more you realize that free will is often the antithesis of being free. Can I get an Amen?
Being free has nothing to do with having the freedom to do whatever you want. It has nothing to do with being above something. It has nothing to do with being free of something, negative or positive. These may be byproducts, but not the essence of being free. Being free is this: knowing who you are IN God and who God is. See when you know this, nothing has hold on you. Good or bad.
Free is characterized by the truth. Who you truly are and who God truly is.
Being free has to do with living out truth. Or perhaps being vulnerable enough to let the truth find you.
The most free person, is the person that is 100% him or herself consistently. It is only in being real, that you meet the living God. See God won't heal a figment of your imagination or the person you try to be or not be. He fixes you, the real you. We aren't really fooling anyone, least of all God.
I've realized something after 8 intentional years of following God:
I will never reach my fullest potential, the greatest version of myself, if I'm not free. Unless every thing is in it's rightful place, starting with God.
So how do you even become free?
I mean I can say I'm myself and I love God, and He's on the throne, and yet still be consumed in insecurity, fear, and inadequacy. Still be held by people's opinions. Still need the security of money or material goods. Still be held by affirmation from men.
Here's what I think:
You aren't really free, unless you've experienced being shackled without the key. To really understand what it means to be free, you have to learn to thrive in prison. That's why Joseph was a monster. He thrived everywhere. His free was not based on favorable circumstances or even well being. It was a different caliber of free.
See because in order to be indestructible, you have to be destroyed first. That's like the basic tenet of the Bible. Unless a grain falls to the ground and dies, it will not yield a harvest. Jesus was crucified before He lived forever.
Once you die and rise, nothing else matters except the One that rose you. You are gripped, seized, consumed by Him and His purposes for you.
And when that happens. People's opinions, the world's titles, that man or woman's level of attraction to you, how much money you make, how many people you get to come to church, whatever mediocre measure of status, acceptance, or love you may have needed or deemed important, all of these things become laughable.
I would have to argue that David killed Goliath, not because he had courage, not even because he had immense faith.
He killed Goliath because he was free. Free to fail or succeed. Free to be a shepherd boy in front of a giant. Free to wrestle with his own inadequacy and lack of skill and simultaneously believe in a God who uses the meek to humble the mighty. David didn't give a flying crap about his competence or lack thereof. He just knew who He belonged to.
David became Goliath in that moment. He became a beast.
Free understands who God is in comparison to every worldly construct, even humans. Who messes with the armies of the living God? said David. It's not that he thought he could win, he knew God already won. It's that simple.
Let's keep it real. The majority of Christians in America will never fully understand this level of victory. They will never experience surviving the lions' den, slaying the giant, thriving in prison.
Why?
Because they choose free will over being free. We consistently choose our familiar, comfortable, satisfying, easy, agendas over God's fire, over His training, over His pruning.
Wanna know the easiest antidote for our lazy, disgusting, existence?
Saying this phrase:
"Not my will, but Thy will be done."
Isn't that what Jesus said in the Garden before He was crucified?
Isn't that what Moses essentially did when he threw down his staff? He submitted everything he had, everything he was to God, who eventually turned him into a sea-divider.
Isn't that what Abraham did when he tied Isaac to that altar?
See when you say those four words, you say to God: I no longer belong to myself or to the world, I belong to You. I am willing to give up what is most precious to me.
And then you will experience a death, a throwing down, that will result in eternal and glorious consequences: victory, miracles, power, joy, love.
You will be free.
Free understands more fully a God who gives freely, graciously, and without measure or condition, to all His children
Free also exalts and praises a God who takes away, disciplines, trains in love
Free understands the sovereignty of a God who in EVERY circumstance is for us
Free understands that Jesus overcame the entire world. Past tense.
When you are free, you are not weighed down anymore by anything or anyone. Not even yourself.
You fly.
And as you fly, you have one and only one aim:
To get to the One who gave you your wings.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Love and Waiting
It's a common thing for those of us in our 20's, going into 30's. That threshold place where we are no longer young adults, but just adults. Scary right?
It's not just that we see a couple more grey hairs or we realize how much closer we are to developing the chronic diseases we reprimand our parents for. See it is during this time that the burning question arises. Not that it wasn't there before, but it rears its head more intentionally now.
The question is this: Where is my soul mate?
Disclaimer: This post is not for those who want to get married to satisfy loneliness. That is merely a by product of marriage. And frankly if you believe in Jesus Christ, loneliness is a lie anyway, because God in His three forms, is always with us.
And yet the question. That burning question remains. It makes internet dating sites rich. Psychic readers, therapists, perhaps even pastors, more busy, as throngs of men and women seek the answer.
I am one such seeker. I don't claim to be above it. Quite the opposite. And I don't for one second say that the loneliness is easy. That the Saturday nights watching I Love Lucy episodes in my unflattering pink night gown, diet coke in one hand, canned peaches in the other, don't get really old after...multiple years.
But see, finding the answer to this question can be either this: easy or not as easy. It's never actually difficult. We just make it difficult.
Really easy if we don't really care about the caliber, length, or significance of marriage. If you want to get married to have a warm body to sleep next to, physical intimacy, and to pop out a few kids, the answer is simple. Millions of people find this answer really easily every day.
BUT
if you want your marriage to MEAN something other than this. If you want it to be intricately connected to the reason you were created. If you want it to propel you to be the best version of yourself. If you want it to mean the difference between mediocrity and greatness. If you want it to blow away every definition of love, understanding, security, and intimacy you have ever known. If you want it to have GOD written all over it...
the answer is less easy.
Because: there will be many No's, before the ONE yes. And to humans, that makes the answer not so easy. We don't like to wait. To us, waiting isn't the greater yes, it's a slap in the face.
To God, waiting is the difference between life and death. It's the difference in Him loving us and Him hating us. To Him the waiting is just as important as the gift itself. A blessing, albeit good, at the wrong time, is a disaster.
See, I've been waiting a long time. I've endured my share of no's. Painful no's. No's that pushed me toward brinks of despair and sadness. No's that left me disappointed and even more alone. However, does that entitle me to anything? Umm...no. A gift is a gift. It cannot be earned, just accepted when it is freely given.
To my beautiful, successful, talented, accomplished, smart, kind, Godly girlfriends I say this:
Let us wait. Wait and then wait more. That great Yes will shatter every memory of the no we have ever experienced.
And more importantly, this:
A yes from God will need no explanation. A gem is a gem not because you call it a gem, but because it just is one. It needs no justification, no proclamation. It needs no confirmation from others. Just confirmation from One. The yes, may not be sexy. It may not be drought-ending and people being raised from the dead. But,
It will be this:
"It was the pure language of the World. It required no explanation, just as the universe need none as it travels through endless time. What the boy felt at that moment was that he was in the presence of the only women in his life, and that, with no need for words, she recognized the same thing. He was more certain of it than anything in the world. He had been told by his grandparents that he must fall in love and really know a person before becoming committed. But maybe people who felt that way had never learned the universal language (love). Because when you know that language, it's easy to understand that someone in the world awaits you, whether it's in the middle of the desert or in some great city.
And when two such people encounter each other, and their eyes meet, the past and the future become unimportant. There is only that moment, and the incredible certainty that everything under the sun has been written by one hand only. It is the hand that evokes love, and creates a twin soul for every person in the world. Without such love, one's dreams would have no meaning" - The Alchemist, pg. 92-93
See I want this. When I'm in the presence of my husband, I want to experience the incredible certainty that everything under the sun has been written by one Hand alone.
I want to know even more fully how big, real, and gracious my God is.
And who knows? Perhaps it won't be some love-at-first-sight, leap-in-the-womb, magic. But it will be that level of certainty. It will be that level of peace. It will be that level of love. My marriage will show me in the deepest of ways, how known I am by my God.
Because love is the outpouring of knowing. Just read Psalm 139.
I won't settle for anything less.
I want to DELIGHT in being single. What would that actually look like? To have consistent joy while single even in the face of others' marriages, engagements, or baby showers?
This is the NEW ANSWER I seek.
Singleness is not meant to be a season of waiting for marriage. I have to tell myself this every day.
Singleness is learning that universal language of Love. Allowing myself to be known and loved by my Husband and learning to love like Him.
What a truly joyous time, really? What are you doing tonight? Oh, being loved by the God of the Universe.
...
It doesn't sound sexy. I can't call my girlfriends and giggle about it. I can't write a sappy facebook status about it (well maybe sometimes).
But, it sure is the real longing of my body, mind, and soul. Right?
So I'll admit. I'm waiting. I'm waiting to meet my soul mate. I have yet to find the answer to my burning question.
But perhaps there are surprises in the waiting. Something even more precious.
Love and waiting
Love and waiting
or maybe this:
Love is waiting.
It's not just that we see a couple more grey hairs or we realize how much closer we are to developing the chronic diseases we reprimand our parents for. See it is during this time that the burning question arises. Not that it wasn't there before, but it rears its head more intentionally now.
The question is this: Where is my soul mate?
Disclaimer: This post is not for those who want to get married to satisfy loneliness. That is merely a by product of marriage. And frankly if you believe in Jesus Christ, loneliness is a lie anyway, because God in His three forms, is always with us.
And yet the question. That burning question remains. It makes internet dating sites rich. Psychic readers, therapists, perhaps even pastors, more busy, as throngs of men and women seek the answer.
I am one such seeker. I don't claim to be above it. Quite the opposite. And I don't for one second say that the loneliness is easy. That the Saturday nights watching I Love Lucy episodes in my unflattering pink night gown, diet coke in one hand, canned peaches in the other, don't get really old after...multiple years.
But see, finding the answer to this question can be either this: easy or not as easy. It's never actually difficult. We just make it difficult.
Really easy if we don't really care about the caliber, length, or significance of marriage. If you want to get married to have a warm body to sleep next to, physical intimacy, and to pop out a few kids, the answer is simple. Millions of people find this answer really easily every day.
BUT
if you want your marriage to MEAN something other than this. If you want it to be intricately connected to the reason you were created. If you want it to propel you to be the best version of yourself. If you want it to mean the difference between mediocrity and greatness. If you want it to blow away every definition of love, understanding, security, and intimacy you have ever known. If you want it to have GOD written all over it...
the answer is less easy.
Because: there will be many No's, before the ONE yes. And to humans, that makes the answer not so easy. We don't like to wait. To us, waiting isn't the greater yes, it's a slap in the face.
To God, waiting is the difference between life and death. It's the difference in Him loving us and Him hating us. To Him the waiting is just as important as the gift itself. A blessing, albeit good, at the wrong time, is a disaster.
See, I've been waiting a long time. I've endured my share of no's. Painful no's. No's that pushed me toward brinks of despair and sadness. No's that left me disappointed and even more alone. However, does that entitle me to anything? Umm...no. A gift is a gift. It cannot be earned, just accepted when it is freely given.
To my beautiful, successful, talented, accomplished, smart, kind, Godly girlfriends I say this:
Let us wait. Wait and then wait more. That great Yes will shatter every memory of the no we have ever experienced.
And more importantly, this:
A yes from God will need no explanation. A gem is a gem not because you call it a gem, but because it just is one. It needs no justification, no proclamation. It needs no confirmation from others. Just confirmation from One. The yes, may not be sexy. It may not be drought-ending and people being raised from the dead. But,
It will be this:
"It was the pure language of the World. It required no explanation, just as the universe need none as it travels through endless time. What the boy felt at that moment was that he was in the presence of the only women in his life, and that, with no need for words, she recognized the same thing. He was more certain of it than anything in the world. He had been told by his grandparents that he must fall in love and really know a person before becoming committed. But maybe people who felt that way had never learned the universal language (love). Because when you know that language, it's easy to understand that someone in the world awaits you, whether it's in the middle of the desert or in some great city.
And when two such people encounter each other, and their eyes meet, the past and the future become unimportant. There is only that moment, and the incredible certainty that everything under the sun has been written by one hand only. It is the hand that evokes love, and creates a twin soul for every person in the world. Without such love, one's dreams would have no meaning" - The Alchemist, pg. 92-93
See I want this. When I'm in the presence of my husband, I want to experience the incredible certainty that everything under the sun has been written by one Hand alone.
I want to know even more fully how big, real, and gracious my God is.
And who knows? Perhaps it won't be some love-at-first-sight, leap-in-the-womb, magic. But it will be that level of certainty. It will be that level of peace. It will be that level of love. My marriage will show me in the deepest of ways, how known I am by my God.
Because love is the outpouring of knowing. Just read Psalm 139.
I won't settle for anything less.
I want to DELIGHT in being single. What would that actually look like? To have consistent joy while single even in the face of others' marriages, engagements, or baby showers?
This is the NEW ANSWER I seek.
Singleness is not meant to be a season of waiting for marriage. I have to tell myself this every day.
Singleness is learning that universal language of Love. Allowing myself to be known and loved by my Husband and learning to love like Him.
What a truly joyous time, really? What are you doing tonight? Oh, being loved by the God of the Universe.
...
It doesn't sound sexy. I can't call my girlfriends and giggle about it. I can't write a sappy facebook status about it (well maybe sometimes).
But, it sure is the real longing of my body, mind, and soul. Right?
So I'll admit. I'm waiting. I'm waiting to meet my soul mate. I have yet to find the answer to my burning question.
But perhaps there are surprises in the waiting. Something even more precious.
Love and waiting
Love and waiting
or maybe this:
Love is waiting.
Friday, September 30, 2011
My Testimony
Haiti part 2:
Hi everyone. My name is Shannon and I want to share about my recent trip to Haiti. Before I begin, a little background: I am a nurse and I went to Haiti on a medical mission through Azusa Pacific University to provide health care in the villages of Northern Haiti.
The fusion of providing health care and serving the poor has been a dream of mine for six years. I have wanted to start a mobile clinic to deliver health care to the most unreached parts of the world. When I graduated nursing school, I asked some of my friends to pray for me and commission me into the profession of nursing. As one of them prayed, my calling was further confirmed. He had a vision of me at the edge of a large river with swift currents. He said I would have to cross this river in order to reach the people I was called to serve. He said on the other side, there would be people waiting for me, because I am meant to love and serve them.
For six years, I have been praying, waiting, studying, saving money, getting rejected from medical school, getting three degrees, all so I could get to those people. On the second day of my trip in Haiti, there we were. I couldn’t believe it! We had to cross a large river to get to a remote area of Haiti where people were waiting for us. They had walked over 5 hours to arrive there for medical care. Many of them had no access to medical care because of the rough terrain they live in.
I stood in front of this river, large currents, cholera-infected. We were required to cross it barefoot because the current would wash our sandals off. It was then that I remembered that vision. In that moment, I realized I was exactly where I was supposed to be.
In that moment, those six years of waiting didn’t matter. All the longing, the heartache, the locked doors, the many No’s faded away. God’s greater Yes always trumps the other No’s. As I crossed the river, I experienced so much joy. When you are in the center of God’s will and living out what you were born to do, He enables you to make unprecedented sacrifices even risking getting cholera. God put that Spirit within me. I arrived at the clinic and we treated over 100 patients and actually saved the lives of three children that day because we were able to transport them to the hospital and give them needed medications. They were in fact waiting for us.
I share this because I am sure many of us have dreams and visions for our lives. Perhaps God told you what you are to do or who you are to be in His kingdom years ago and yet your reality doesn’t seem congruent with what you have heard and been promised. But I want to encourage you and say that our God is always faithful. He will never fail and His word will never return to Him void. His timing is perfect and He will always come through.
And when He does, the pain of that labor leading up to the birthing of your destiny and calling will not only be forgotten, it will be worth it.
I want to leave you with one word I got while in Haiti from Isaiah 49: 1-4
See I gave this testimony weeks ago. But today more than any other day, I needed to remember it. Live it. Revel in that moment. Because it reminds me that God will always come through. He knows the desires, the deepest longings of our hearts. His promises never fail.Monday, September 12, 2011
Till I get there
Today could easily be dismissed. Trivial in the grand scheme of things. But I choose to recognize it. To create an altar so-to-speak. To give praise to a God that knows not the bounds of time.
Today was my first official day seeing patients as a nurse practitioner student. I can't fully explain the elation I felt putting on that lab coat. Cleaning the bell of my stethoscope. I looked in the mirror and wanted to cry.
Many continue on into advanced practice nursing because they want more money, it's the next step, they for some reason want a master's degree, etc. However, being an N.P isn't anything like that for me. It's not the next best thing. It is THE thing. I dreamt about this moment since I was five.
The moment I could put on a lab coat, hang my stethoscope around my neck, and help people. It's all I have EVER wanted. 22 years I've wanted it.
God reminded me of how far I've come in a dream the night before. I was in front of a group of strangers recounting my tragic rejection from med school. The long, grueling journey through community college, nursing school, needle sticks, sleepless night shifts, tear-filled days at work, upteen amount of schooling, all leading up to that "greater yes." The perfect product.
God's yes wasn't getting into medical school right after college. That was indeed my yes. No, God's yes included: medical clinics to Mexico and Haiti, bracelet projects in Kenya, nursing at the bedside, teaching, leadership, mentoring, lifelong learning.
I forgot where I came from. From when I was a unit secretary and couldn't stand the smell of patient rooms. From when I first walked into a patient room and was terrified. From my first injection. From passing the NCLEX. My first time as an independent nurse. My first mobile clinic.
And now today.
It felt so very right. The greater yes always will.
So today, I don't long to get "there." Instead, I praise God for where I am NOW.
For how far He has brought me.
And how faithful He is to see me through all the way.
Amen.
Today was my first official day seeing patients as a nurse practitioner student. I can't fully explain the elation I felt putting on that lab coat. Cleaning the bell of my stethoscope. I looked in the mirror and wanted to cry.
Many continue on into advanced practice nursing because they want more money, it's the next step, they for some reason want a master's degree, etc. However, being an N.P isn't anything like that for me. It's not the next best thing. It is THE thing. I dreamt about this moment since I was five.
The moment I could put on a lab coat, hang my stethoscope around my neck, and help people. It's all I have EVER wanted. 22 years I've wanted it.
God reminded me of how far I've come in a dream the night before. I was in front of a group of strangers recounting my tragic rejection from med school. The long, grueling journey through community college, nursing school, needle sticks, sleepless night shifts, tear-filled days at work, upteen amount of schooling, all leading up to that "greater yes." The perfect product.
God's yes wasn't getting into medical school right after college. That was indeed my yes. No, God's yes included: medical clinics to Mexico and Haiti, bracelet projects in Kenya, nursing at the bedside, teaching, leadership, mentoring, lifelong learning.
I forgot where I came from. From when I was a unit secretary and couldn't stand the smell of patient rooms. From when I first walked into a patient room and was terrified. From my first injection. From passing the NCLEX. My first time as an independent nurse. My first mobile clinic.
And now today.
It felt so very right. The greater yes always will.
So today, I don't long to get "there." Instead, I praise God for where I am NOW.
For how far He has brought me.
And how faithful He is to see me through all the way.
Amen.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Haiti
It would be great to say that my trip to Haiti was revolutionary because we actually made a lasting impact on the health disparity, disease burden, and immense poverty so entrenched in such a beautiful, resourceful, cultured land.
I could fawn about the three children we motor biked to the hospital to receive IV antibiotics and tube feedings for extreme malnourishment and congenital kidney disease.
I could talk about the fact that I fell in love with health care again - the assessing, diagnosing, and treating of patients in order to achieve positive health outcomes. Educating them on symptom relief and drug regimens.
I could talk about the students I taught, how it made my whole life better to see them grasp concepts, fall in love with nursing, develop clinical skills.
I could even lush about the fact that we crossed rivers, cholera-infected rivers barefoot to arrive at make- shift churches, where we turned altars into pharmacies and church pews into pelvic exam tables in order to treat STDs, malaria, and Typhoid fever.
It's all so artistic, noble, self-centered.
But did we really make a difference? What happens when the meds run out, the mosquito bites again, the missionaries leave?
I could say that I even refused to take obligatory pictures with wide-eyed Haitian babies because if I didn't actually care for them, why photograph their plight to placate my own selfish desire to be needed, compassionate, or Christ-like?
But even that is not actually enough. Haiti doesn't need more expert health care providers to come in and care for their sick. They've survived long before we came to "save" them. Haiti doesn't need the cyclical influx of financial and social aid, keeping them in a deceptive web of Western dependency. Perhaps we don't know what Haiti needs because we never stopped to ask. Ask them, Ask Him.
We missed the boat. Somewhere we got lost in our good intentions.
But you see, God's grace is sufficient. Through His infinite mercy and grace, He allowed us to come in with our bleeding hearts. We bled all over those church floors. We bathed our Haitian brothers and sisters with our pitied blood.
And they accepted it because perhaps they know more about servanthood, leadership, and grace than we do. They allowed us to love them and "serve" them because perhaps God told them this: "Actually this will be more about them than you."
So they accepted it. Come in and care for our sick, placate your need to be needed because we can still love you in ways you haven't even learned before.
I'm so humbled by this, my own depravity disgusts me.
But I'll tell you this. Never again will I go with my inflated agenda. Never again will I assume the position of teacher, provider, or expert.
Haiti, Kenya, Sri Lanka, the countries I am called to serve:
You are my teachers. You give me a voice. You tell me which feet to wash and when and how. The temperature of the water, the cloth of the towel. You lead because that is what it means to truly be Christ-like, to be a true servant.
You tell me if you even want my presence. You have every right to reject my bleeding heart.
You are my mentors. You are my partners. I come to dialogue with you. To engage in a global conversation whereby we become mutual partners in our mutual quest for Shalom.
My promise to you is this: I will take what you teach me and I will be your megaphone by God's grace. I will not stop till the world knows of your expertise, of your struggles, of your joys, strengths, and weaknesses. I will scream so they see in you imago dei, till they see you as princes, not paupers. And if you grant me the honor, I will exchange with you the nuggets of wisdom God has given me in my short time on earth - health and non-health related.
I will go to your remotest villages, your war-torn regions, your poverty stricken lands...
All of this,
if you want me to. if You want me to.
Fragmented, chaotic zeal without true love and selflessness is filth. Thinking we who have more materially have a more accurate view of God or health care or life actually reinforces our own poverty and the poverty of those less advantaged than us.
I want to care for the least of these, not perpetuate poverty.
Sometimes, that means this:
Haiti, I was your "least of these," and you took care of me. Thank you for alleviating me of my poverty. Thank you for showing me my poverty of selfishness and lust over love. Thank you to my Haitian brothers and sisters who shamed me with their reverence for Jesus, who shared their intricate beauty with me, who taught me of a culture so rich in history, linguistic variance, and resilience.
Thank you Haiti, for exuding Matthew 25 to the West.
May we follow your example in Christ Jesus.
Je T'aime.
I could fawn about the three children we motor biked to the hospital to receive IV antibiotics and tube feedings for extreme malnourishment and congenital kidney disease.
I could talk about the fact that I fell in love with health care again - the assessing, diagnosing, and treating of patients in order to achieve positive health outcomes. Educating them on symptom relief and drug regimens.
I could talk about the students I taught, how it made my whole life better to see them grasp concepts, fall in love with nursing, develop clinical skills.
I could even lush about the fact that we crossed rivers, cholera-infected rivers barefoot to arrive at make- shift churches, where we turned altars into pharmacies and church pews into pelvic exam tables in order to treat STDs, malaria, and Typhoid fever.
It's all so artistic, noble, self-centered.
But did we really make a difference? What happens when the meds run out, the mosquito bites again, the missionaries leave?
I could say that I even refused to take obligatory pictures with wide-eyed Haitian babies because if I didn't actually care for them, why photograph their plight to placate my own selfish desire to be needed, compassionate, or Christ-like?
But even that is not actually enough. Haiti doesn't need more expert health care providers to come in and care for their sick. They've survived long before we came to "save" them. Haiti doesn't need the cyclical influx of financial and social aid, keeping them in a deceptive web of Western dependency. Perhaps we don't know what Haiti needs because we never stopped to ask. Ask them, Ask Him.
We missed the boat. Somewhere we got lost in our good intentions.
But you see, God's grace is sufficient. Through His infinite mercy and grace, He allowed us to come in with our bleeding hearts. We bled all over those church floors. We bathed our Haitian brothers and sisters with our pitied blood.
And they accepted it because perhaps they know more about servanthood, leadership, and grace than we do. They allowed us to love them and "serve" them because perhaps God told them this: "Actually this will be more about them than you."
So they accepted it. Come in and care for our sick, placate your need to be needed because we can still love you in ways you haven't even learned before.
I'm so humbled by this, my own depravity disgusts me.
But I'll tell you this. Never again will I go with my inflated agenda. Never again will I assume the position of teacher, provider, or expert.
Haiti, Kenya, Sri Lanka, the countries I am called to serve:
You are my teachers. You give me a voice. You tell me which feet to wash and when and how. The temperature of the water, the cloth of the towel. You lead because that is what it means to truly be Christ-like, to be a true servant.
You tell me if you even want my presence. You have every right to reject my bleeding heart.
You are my mentors. You are my partners. I come to dialogue with you. To engage in a global conversation whereby we become mutual partners in our mutual quest for Shalom.
My promise to you is this: I will take what you teach me and I will be your megaphone by God's grace. I will not stop till the world knows of your expertise, of your struggles, of your joys, strengths, and weaknesses. I will scream so they see in you imago dei, till they see you as princes, not paupers. And if you grant me the honor, I will exchange with you the nuggets of wisdom God has given me in my short time on earth - health and non-health related.
I will go to your remotest villages, your war-torn regions, your poverty stricken lands...
All of this,
if you want me to. if You want me to.
Fragmented, chaotic zeal without true love and selflessness is filth. Thinking we who have more materially have a more accurate view of God or health care or life actually reinforces our own poverty and the poverty of those less advantaged than us.
I want to care for the least of these, not perpetuate poverty.
Sometimes, that means this:
Haiti, I was your "least of these," and you took care of me. Thank you for alleviating me of my poverty. Thank you for showing me my poverty of selfishness and lust over love. Thank you to my Haitian brothers and sisters who shamed me with their reverence for Jesus, who shared their intricate beauty with me, who taught me of a culture so rich in history, linguistic variance, and resilience.
Thank you Haiti, for exuding Matthew 25 to the West.
May we follow your example in Christ Jesus.
Je T'aime.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
I Am With You
and then there are some days when you think it won't get worse and it does.
you feel such pain that you actually become numb. this false anesthesia is the only self-protective mechanism left before death.
you'll look in the face of your worst fears.
you'll find in that space your deepest sorrows, things you never wanted to anticipate.
betrayal.
loneliness.
barrenness.
you will look around and find emptiness. and every ounce within you will resist it. get angry. cry. sleep. eat. watch tv. anything to escape.
i have come to this very place. the things i desire the most in my life feel the farthest in this very place.
i wonder if this is how abraham felt as he walked with his son to that mountain. the mountain that would later be called The Lord Provides.
everything he had hoped and prayed for probably felt like a distant memory in that moment. a complete reversal of faith and hope should have happened.
it's in that very moment that God not only saved isaac, He saved abraham too. saved him from ever doubting that God could and will always provide. Saved him from ever doubting that God's word will never return void. Saving him from ever doubting that in giving up everything for God, you gain it back and much more.
he didn't just regain his son. he reached the pinnacle of intimacy with God. an intimacy that produces the willingness to look in the face of nothingness and say, thy will be done. the intimacy that breeds a courage that chooses joy in the face of complete evil and sorrow.
so you see God provided more than just a son. He provided a new life for Abraham in that moment.
I have never felt so viciously sad, lonely, betrayed, and empty in the 26 years on this earth. and yet in this place, i feel peace. because peace and joy come not from circumstances, but from the firm truth that my name is "I am with you."
Miracles often happen in quantized leaps.
Cue physics now please.
you feel such pain that you actually become numb. this false anesthesia is the only self-protective mechanism left before death.
you'll look in the face of your worst fears.
you'll find in that space your deepest sorrows, things you never wanted to anticipate.
betrayal.
loneliness.
barrenness.
you will look around and find emptiness. and every ounce within you will resist it. get angry. cry. sleep. eat. watch tv. anything to escape.
i have come to this very place. the things i desire the most in my life feel the farthest in this very place.
i wonder if this is how abraham felt as he walked with his son to that mountain. the mountain that would later be called The Lord Provides.
everything he had hoped and prayed for probably felt like a distant memory in that moment. a complete reversal of faith and hope should have happened.
it's in that very moment that God not only saved isaac, He saved abraham too. saved him from ever doubting that God could and will always provide. Saved him from ever doubting that God's word will never return void. Saving him from ever doubting that in giving up everything for God, you gain it back and much more.
he didn't just regain his son. he reached the pinnacle of intimacy with God. an intimacy that produces the willingness to look in the face of nothingness and say, thy will be done. the intimacy that breeds a courage that chooses joy in the face of complete evil and sorrow.
so you see God provided more than just a son. He provided a new life for Abraham in that moment.
I have never felt so viciously sad, lonely, betrayed, and empty in the 26 years on this earth. and yet in this place, i feel peace. because peace and joy come not from circumstances, but from the firm truth that my name is "I am with you."
Miracles often happen in quantized leaps.
Cue physics now please.
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