I really don't want

to move.

I'm not excited about it at all. I can buy all the cute furniture. I can get all sorts of decorating ideas. I can think about all the new types of freedom I'll acquire. Being able to go to any church I want. Staying out without having to call. Washing dishes on my own time schedule.

But it doesn't mask the fact that I'm so acutely sad to leave my mother. I can't imagine not seeing her face every day. I can't imagine not being there for her when things are difficult or when she wants to share a funny story.

Yes, I'm not moving to Uzbekistan and yet I feel an ocean between her and I. I see it in her eyes each time she sits next to me now and says, "You'll still come visit right?" It was always me and her. Since I was born. We were a team, struggling, surviving, learning from one another. She was my angel. The one good thing about me I used to say.

And then I fell in love with Someone else. And He said, I love you but I don't need you. I desperately want you without condition. And I got confused. My mother's love is all I've known. But now He is asking me to give her up. Asking me to trust in His love alone.

God has to come in between each relationship.

And this should be easy. But it's really not. There is a space in my soul that only my mother occupies. But when you say, "I want to be all of Yours," something snaps. Floodgates open up washing away the pattern of things.

God says I want to enter that space, increase it and occupy it. For your sake, for her sake and for your father's sake. All for my glory. So that your joy may be made complete.

I watch him wash the dishes, something he never did before. He buys me prunes, says it's in the bottom shelf of the fridge. Trying so hard to be the provider. But even in the midst of these small but important treasures, God is calling me out. Separating me out.

It's a pain unlike I've ever experienced. It's emptying, lonely, terrifying. I dread that apartment. I dread what it represents. And yet all God says is, Come home to me. Let me serve you. Let me fill you. Let me be your mother, your father, your all.

So I will go. I will pack up my things and journey into that unknown place. I will brave the inevitable loneliness, the doubt, the fear of what will occur at 2832 while I reside at 3333. I will brave the accusations, the pleas, the begging, the misunderstanding. I will endure it all for You. For the ultimate fulfillment of your promises to me, to them, for us, for the world.

I am walking on water and each day I almost drown. And each day you remind me when I ask Who I am?

You say, "I am with you."

So here we go. I've given up my dreams, my love life, my friendships and now finally the most important people in my life. You have it all. There is no turning back now.

Worship is my sacrifice

How can I not praise You?

How can that not be my only job really?

You are infinitely worthy of praise

You never give up on me. Never.

You are always willing to remind me.

You put up with my need to control, my need to be busy all the time

And then when I've driven myself into a hole, you are patient enough to dig me out of it.

You want the very very very best for me. Why? I don't deserve it. I don't deserve Your best or Your willingness to train me to receive it and wait for it.

And yet each day You write me a love song. And You sing its chorus to me when I look at the sky. You sing a verse when I clean a patient. You sing its second verse when I look into my mother's eyes and tell her I'm not her answer.

I don't deserve your song. And I drown it out. Fill my ears with the opinions of others. Fill my ears with the glorification of being busy, of being occupied all the time.

But You wait patiently. Because then you hum it until I'm ready to listen. But sometimes You belt it, You scream it because I need rescuing.

How can I not constantly praise You? When You are so for me. Even when things come crashing down, my darkness is light to You.

You know me. Love is merely the skin of knowing they say. And You know the hairs on my head, You knew me in my mother's womb. It really is too lofty for me to understand this.

Sometimes this knowing is too unbelievable to me so I reduce it. I box it up. Categorize to more manageable levels. But You shatter it each time. Each time You remind me of a critical lab to draw at work that slipped my mind. Each time I look into the eyes of a trusted friend and see You shining through whether that friend realizes it or not. Each time I cry out from loneliness or defeat. Each time I hold a hand of a patient. When I google AMC. When I go to Mexico and am given the chance to diagnose and prescribe without human training.

I love You. I love You so much it scares me what I'm willing to give up for You. But then I realize that even that willingness and even my love for You comes from You.

You really are the best thing about me. You really are the one and only reason I breathe.

I dropped them.

I did it.

This is probably one of the boldest and craziest moves I've made since I flitted off to Africa or planned a trip to Greece in an hour.

I dropped all my classes for my Masters. At this point, I no longer have ANY idea of what the hell I am supposed to do with my life.

This is such a scary, uncertain and FREEING feeling. I don't know why I feel free right now. I don't know why I have this eerie sense of peace. But for some reason I feel that God is going to use this decision for something good, something exciting, something big.

I mean who knows though? Maybe He'll just say, "Um that was stupid, go back in the Fall." or maybe He'll say, "Good move kid, go to the Sudan." Or maybe He'll say nothing and force me to wait on Him because He wants to grow in me faith and endurance.

Sigh.

All I know is that I can't any longer use this to pat myself on the back. It was so nice to say I'm getting my Masters. It felt good, like an eternal gold star. And I mean come one 80% of my friends have Masters so it would be strange not to right?

It was familiar, like a warm blanket, a cup of cocoa. And now it's gone. Now I'm a nurse at Kaiser with a bunch of unanswered prayers, crazy dreams, weird goals with no idea of how to bring anything to fruition.

I'm regular. I'm not that extraordinary and I can no longer say my life is that hard because I'm a working adult like everyone else.

But for some reason I feel like that's exactly where I'm supposed to be. And I don't think even my closest friends may get it. You might shake your head and say, "But what about the plan?" Or say logical things like, "They won't take you seriously without a Masters," or say, "How will you start the clinic?"

And while those are valid questions, I can't do anything to please people anymore or to wear that gold star or to live up to some invisible standard. I've given it all up for Him. And while He didn't answer me or give a word the way I really wanted one, He did say step out.


So there it is. I gave it up. The one thing I felt really good at. The one thing I took a lot of pride in. The one thing that gave me a leg up in nursing, the 25-year old, heading toward being a N.P.

I give it all to You. And I'm so terrified of what this means. But all I know is that I finally want to figure out why exactly I was born. I finally want to know what it is I truly desire and what my future is to be.

So yet again, Your move God. I did it. Your turn to speak and speak loudly because I no longer have ANY plans.

My hopes, dreams, plans are now ALL yours.

We desire to win more than we fear losing

God makes provisions to be intimate with us. He chose us to be intimate with Him

His house WILL satisfy us. We are meant to be satisfied, although this is counter to human experience. The presence of God CAN satisfy us. This is not reserved for "holy" people or people into "religious" things. God is not just a sub-set that can satisfy us once in a while. He is meant to satisfy us fully, always, every part of us.

Our desires need to be healed so that we can be satisfied by God. We are satisfied by too little.

Can God REALLY do awesome deeds?

We cut our expectations down so we are not disappointed by God.

Are there things that prevent us from opening up to awesome deeds?

1 Samuel 14: Jonathan and armor bearer

"Come let us go over"

"We will show ourselves to them"

"Showing yourself" was not norm. They were safe in hiding. Not being known was safer. Experience of God was limited because of desire for safety, because of only looking at what is here and not what is on the Other side.

This desire for safety makes us weaker.

What does it mean to show ourselves?

Don't be afraid to be disappointed, to expect and pray for miracles!!

Jonathan made himself vulnerable to disappointment and mistakes so He could see God move. He had to go to the Other side.

The battle is with ourselves. We like calm things, to be in control. But, it's messy, it's a struggle, but it moves us toward the Other side.

We just have to respond, even though there may be many mistakes and struggles.

God doesn't always work on our agendas, sometimes He destroys them.

Waiting on God should make us stronger. It shouldn't deplete us or drain us.

The Other side wants to satisfy us COMPLETELY, sometimes this is painful.

Show ourselves and God does the rest.

God wants us to live from His presence, it takes courage, ties us to God.

How do you want me to respond?

Enter the struggle and experience an uplifting and ultimate victory.

It's really not glamorous at all.

When you finally reach that place of zero and submit your whole being to God get ready for immense pain and immense joy.

Oh and remember, joy may not always look like the joy you want or think you need. It may look like pockets of peace in the throws of hardship or an occasional laugh or bouts of tears. Soul satisfying joy will never be what you expect.

When you submit:

He will cause you to hate most of the things you thought were really important. He will cause you to take the small things you thought were trivial really seriously.

And the truly trivial things, He will show you are so worthless you won't even know who you are anymore.

He will change your so-called deep hopes into vicious desires. Desires that will sometimes cause you to want to end your life.

He will bring you through a period of obscurity that will cause you to be so alone. A loneliness that thrusts you closer and closer unto Him and allows you to put people you held so dear into their rightful places. Obscurity that causes you to heave in longing for release which will eventually produce fruit that lasts.

When you live in His will, your plans will mean nothing. Your plans will be reckoned with a series of closed doors and painful waiting. Waiting that will involve patience that requires a God to sustain.

He will bring you face to face with your ugliest depravity. With things you thought you were above, but really aren't. With issues you thought you dealt with, but require much more healing from the Other side.

Bearing fruit will look totally different from what you expect. In fact, He will change expectations into obedience. He will change planning into prayer. He will change worry into groans, groans in the spirit.

You won't any longer know the meaning of pride because you will be too busy on your knees in desperate humility, longing for relief, for some sort of affirmation that says you are loved and not alone.

Your idea of fair will be turned upside down. Many times you will get the short end of the stick, the heavier burden, the trials, while others coast. Because when you submit to Him, He actually wants the control so when He gives you the burden, He actually gives it to Himself.

Be careful what you pray for because He will turn your so-called deepest prayers into covenant. A covenant that will cost you your whole life, your control, your human intellect, your logic, your reason.

He will allow you to feel self-hatred and the criticism of others so that you may know His suffering and be delivered from it.

He will cause you to fail so hugely that never again will you think yourself so great. He will show you that your so-called strengths actually amount to mediocrity. That your weaknesses are far more pervasive than you thought. That the only identity you can really bank on is the one He gives you.

He will cause the things of this world to be so truly distasteful that you pray for death. Not suicide. But death to the things of this world so that your bodily desires can be shut off so your internal conflict ends. So you can have at least an hour of peace in your spirit.

He will cause some of your greatest fears to be realized, only to show you how much bigger He is than your fears and inadequacies.

Once you submit, you will live a dangerous life. Safety is no longer an option. Uncertainty is the only certainty. You will lose everything you held dear so it can be returned to you a hundred fold.

All the parts of your identity you really like or you allowed to define you will be stripped away so that you will be left with nothing but the name "Redeemed" or "Beloved."

You will be destroyed, only to be rebuilt indestructible.

So, I will no longer tell you that living a life for God is easy. I won't tell you that it will solve all your problems or bring immediate answers to your prayers because in many cases it won't. It may not bring whole contentment that others say it will right away or even in your lifetime.

However,

What it will do is give you hope beyond your own understanding, courage beyond your own ability, love beyond your own compassion.

It will cause us to not just coast through life and be a number, a statistic.

It will cause you to be broken unto others so that lives maybe changed, God may be glorified and your joy may be made complete.

How so?

I have no idea. But I have faith.

Is it worth it?

Sure.

It is easy?

Never.

Is God with you throughout?

Always.

What do I know?

There's no turning back now.

2010: A YEAR OF BIRTHING - CLAIMED

Isaiah 62

Zion's New Name

For Zion's sake I will not keep silent,
for Jerusalem's sake I will not remain quiet,
till her righteousness shines out like the dawn,
her salvation like a blazing torch.

The nations will see your righteousness,
and all kings your glory;
you will be called by a new name
that the mouth of the LORD will bestow.

You will be a crown of splendor in the LORD's hand,
a royal diadem in the hand of your God.

No longer will they call you Deserted,
or name your land Desolate.
But you will be called Hephzibah,
and your land Beulah;
for the LORD will take delight in you,
and your land will be married.

As a young man marries a maiden,
so will your sons marry you;
as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride,
so will your God rejoice over you.

I have posted watchmen on your walls, O Jerusalem;
they will never be silent day or night.
You who call on the LORD,
give yourselves no rest,

and give him no rest till he establishes Jerusalem
and makes her the praise of the earth.

The LORD has sworn by his right hand
and by his mighty arm:
"Never again will I give your grain
as food for your enemies,
and never again will foreigners drink the new wine
for which you have toiled;

but those who harvest it will eat it
and praise the LORD,
and those who gather the grapes will drink it
in the courts of my sanctuary."

Pass through, pass through the gates!
Prepare the way for the people.
Build up, build up the highway!
Remove the stones.
Raise a banner for the nations.

The LORD has made proclamation
to the ends of the earth:
"Say to the Daughter of Zion,
'See, your Savior comes!
See, his reward is with him,
and his recompense accompanies him.' "

They will be called the Holy People,
the Redeemed of the LORD;
and you will be called Sought After,
the City No Longer Deserted.

all that really matters

i look back on these last two weeks and it is literally by the grace of God that i survived. emotionally, spiritually, physically...i was at the depths. hurt, embarrassed, ashamed, terrified, cramping, virus, no breaks, angry, frustrated. it's all just one big blur now.

and i realize that the only way i was able to get out of bed, get dressed, drive an hour to work, work for 12 hours, come home, work things out with friends, send emails, etc. was through the grace of the only living and true God.

this is a dependency unlike anything i've experienced. it's a humility unlike anything i've felt. it's a zero unlike no other. and although im so broken, im not crushed. i dont feel abandoned. surprisingly im not hopeless. im not angry with god.

he never said it would be easy. who the hell am i to question the God of the universe and why he allows things to fall where they fall? why is it that i had three patients go down in two weeks? why is it that i heard a word from him that caused so much chaos? why is it that i struggle so much with body image every second of every day?

or perhaps i shouldn't ask why me, but what for? because in the end of it all, my job isn't really THAT important. my friends are amazing, but i could survive without them (even though this thought sickens me).

you know what DOES matter? that all would know how much Jesus Christ loves them. that's really the only damn thing that matters. everything else is actually quite useless. so instead of brooding over my failed life, my bleak future, my inadequacy as a nurse, my inadequacy as a friend, my chin, my stomach, my weight, etc., instead of this, i will pray and praise without ceasing.

i will say to my God: "My heart is stirred by a noble theme as I recite my verses for the king. My tongue is the pen of a skillful writer. You are the most excellent of men and your lips have been anointed with grace. In your majesty ride forth victoriously in behalf of truth, humility and righteousness. All your robes are fragrant, you are anointed with the oil of joy. I will perpetuate your memory through all the generations, therefore the nations will praise you for ever and ever."

Amen.