so im going to greece alone

it's pathetic that it was so hard for me to make this decision.

fucking money. i hate it. i hate the fixation on it. i hate that lives end because of it. i hate that wars start because of it. i hate that families end because of it or people go into depression because of it.

so i said fuck you to money and booked a 800 dollar flight to athens with 2o00 dollars in the bank.

because really money can be re-earned, but the memory of going to greece alone at age 25 for four days, with no guide, no companion, nothing...this is priceless.

i used my credit card for the first time in 2 years.

wanna know the last time i used it?


to go to kenya...


i see a trend here.

itinerary:
sept. 18th leave for athens
sept 19th arrive in munich, stay for 2 hours
sept 19th arrive in athens at 11pm (so scary, but itll be fun)
sept 19th - take a taxi to the Apollo hotel in Athens and stay the night
sept 20th - take the metro to the Piraeus port and take a 2 hour ferry to Agistri (greek island)
sept 20th - hang out in Agistri, stay at Hotel Diyonosous
sept 21st - take 10 min. speed boat to Aegina (another greek island)
sept 21st - hang out, stay at Hotel Rachel (maybe)
sept 22nd - leave Aegina on ferry and go back to athens
sept 22nd- hang out in athens (i really need to brush up on my history because i dont know crap about parthenon, acrapolis, etc), stay at Hotel Apollo
sept 23rd - leave Athens, return to LAX

pretty good right? for not knowing anything about Greece and working with $1200...=)


love being single, love being 25, love being free to do my own thing, love credit cards

thanks God for not saying no...=) because i really did ask...seriously.

An appraisal

15 months ago I moved out to Redlands to start nursing school. I remember how nervous I was. Living alone for the first time, being away from friends and family, starting an accelerated program, being in a new city...

I cried myself to sleep almost every night. I hated coming home to an empty apartment. I hated going days without talking to another human because I was stuck in my apartment alone studying.

But now everything is different. I love living alone. I sleep really well most nights. I like coming home to nothing. I like having time for myself. I like leaving the dishes not done for days and not having to answer to anyone about it. I like that I can be as messy or as neat as I want. I love hosting people. To have a place I can call my own. To have a place where friends can crash anytime...even as many as 7 friends strewn about, even sleeping in my closet. I love that!

I'm so sad I'm moving. Just when I got comfortable you know? I'm moving back to familiar, yet unpredictable territory. I'm moving back with this degree that comes with so much responsibility, stress and fear. I'm moving back with this whole journey ahead of me I know nothing about.

As I look back on my time in Redlands, I realize how much God has changed me. How much He has drawn me closer to Him, although I fail every day to give Him the time He deserves. I realize how independent I am now, how comfortable I am with nothingness, how content I am with singlehood. I realize how much I can be a slave to emotions and at the same time rise above them. I've made friends I will keep forever. I've realized the beauty of marriage. I've realized how anal and how loving I can be. What a control freak I am and also what a leader. How impatient and bitchy I can be and how serving.

I've also realized how ready I am for the next chapter. How ready I am to not be a full-time student. How ready I am to have a well-rounded life. To begin this next phase of adulthood. How ready I am to start my career and fulfill my lifelong dreams.

I can't believe I will be 25 in a few months! I can't believe I'm a nurse. I can't believe how close I am to starting my clinic. I can't believe how terrified I am to be in healthcare and to move back in with my parents.

I move out in two days. I take my last test in nursing school tomorrow. I take my boards in one month. So many transitions and changes all at once...ah! I'm excited and scared all at once.

It's scary because once I'm done here, there's no "next chapter." I mean once I'm done, what I have left is the rest of my life. No set plans, no rubric, no phase. I'm a working citizen, contributing to soceity, making money and doing whatever I want with my life. I can't hide behind school and say I'm a student so I can't or I'm a full-time student so I'm too busy. School is no longer my crutch or default. It's all over now.

Now it's just me, Shannon. Nurse, Christian, single, etc. This is really hard. Too much freedom, too much unknown...

What's next?

it is written

in the end, it comes down to one question

what are you really about?

we spend 23.5 out of 24 hours on things that are useless in the grand scheme things. will i take this to the grave? will this matter when im 95 and on my death bed? will anyone even remember this? does this matter to God? does this actually make a lasting difference? does this actually consider someone other than myself?

i am privileged to be around friends who live there lives asking these questions. it is these friends, their music, their words, their advice, their texts, their emails, their phone convos, their late night talks, that remind me of what im really about, what really matters and why i do what i do.

because, let's get to the bottom line:

im not a nurse because im obsessed with healthcare. im not a nurse because i love wiping asses THAT much. im not a nurse because i love being around doctors or ill people.

it's simple:

Being a nurse is merely the vehicle, not the destination.

im a nurse because i want to change the world one patient at a time. im a nurse because i want to live every second of my life as a nurse and as a woman uplifting the oppressed and making sure that justice, equality and compassion are restored in as many corners of the world possible.

i will travel to the darkest spaces of this earth to ensure that with every breath i take, this is my only agenda.

so for those of you who don't know me, there it is. for those of you who do know me, you are already praying for me. for those of you who do know me and doubt or hate my agenda, you will be so very disappointed because this agenda will never change.

so in one month, when i graduate as a "nurse" i will hit the ground running.

don't be surprised if two years from now you get a postcard from me from Uganda, Sri Lanka, Kenya, Sudan or the Congo. One the front, there will be a scenic view of a tourist spot I will not be living in. And on the back, some excited remarks on life in the slums and a key phrase:

"Things are going really well in the clinic. The Alabaster Foundation is up and running."

You have been warned.

Pinning

Today I was pinned as a nurse and took my nursing pledge. It was a beautiful day.

Highlights (in order of occurrence):

1. My awesome outfit (I felt really pretty in it)
2. My parents getting in early coz the security guy left for a bit...haha
3. Opening prayer: just another reminder of why I chose APU over another school
4. Getting two awards: this was a total surprise. I felt so honored and blessed
5. My classmates congratulating me with such sincerity (i love them)
6. Our slide show with John Legend's "If You're Out There" playing...love that song!
7. The actual pinning...i think this is such a beautiful tradition
8. Presenting our class picture to the dean and making a joke about it being bigger than me
9. Only my three best friends getting my joke, which makes it SO worth it...=)
10. T. totally showing up, driving 6 hours from SF to be there...i love you, you sneaky lovely
11. Reciting the International Nurse's Pledge by candlelight...my true calling
12. My beautiful friends being there, being so proud, so supportive, so wonderful, my friends of FIFTEEN YEARS...I LOVE YOU T, T and N!!
13. My mom with tears in her eyes from such pride and joy
14. Prof. A. (my favorite prof. at APU) and Dr. Dial meeting my parents
15. Acapulco in Azusa...need i say more?
16. Strawberry margaritas...so good
17. Molten lava chocolate cake...um i just got pinned? duh...
18. Being the loudest table at the restaurant...getting mildly buzzed in front of my parents =)

T'was everything I wanted it to be. Family, friends, love, joy.

And to those of you who couldn't make it, I thought of each of you and I love you for your well wishes and many prayers you have said to get me to today.

I remember my first graduation, I was depressed, unhealthy, unhappy, lonely, did NOT want to be there, probably hung over and felt so out of place in every way.

God took that day and completely redeemed it with today. I guess that's what happens when you find your calling. =)

food for thought

"Our cause is never more in danger than when a human no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy's will, looks around upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys."
- Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis
(Screwtape (a demon) speaking to his nephew, Wormwood (another demon))


Great read...fyi

he chases me with a basin of water

it's too much...it really is

i feel so sorry for my friends as they watch me implode...as they try to reason with me

what i hate most is my hypocrisy because while i claim to love Jesus and have complete faith in Him, all i do is run further and further away from Him

my apartment drowning with pictures of my savior laughs at me because my faith is a joke

a joke

the more he loves, the more i say no

im so distracted, so inward, so laden...there's no relief

movies, working out, doing homework, hanging out with friends, nothing cures this feeling

i hear him call and i finally take the time to sit

but as my feet touch the water and i see the granules of dirt sifting off, i run

before he has the chance to touch, to smile, to love, im gone

the basin spills over on to him, water everywhere

and my feet even dirtier now as i run farther away, mud continually caked on from my escape

he cleans up the floor, refills the water, gets a new towel and waits

his waiting mocks me because it never ceases

sometimes i see him following me as i run, towel in hand, calling me back

it's like im addicted to doing it alone, addicted to stress, addicted to lies, addicted to worry, addicted to fear

fear...is that it? fear of being alone, fear of being ugly, fear of offense, fear of people, fear of death, fear of hypocrisy, fear of indifference, fear of lukewarm faith?

he saved me from fear and offered me love and yet i keep running back to fear

im like the abused woman who keeps going back to her husband, the sexual slave saved from trafficking but returns because he has the drugs he addicted her to, the homeless man who finds shelter but can't sleep because the familiar smells of urine and violence aren't there to comfort him anymore

but he waits, despite my ignorance, my foolish ways, my mud-caked existence, he refills the water every day, readies the basin

sometimes i watch him do it, lovingly preparing for me, but he seems so far away, so unattainable so i walk away yet again

i wonder if he misses me as much as i miss him...

2009 = redemption