I dropped them.

I did it.

This is probably one of the boldest and craziest moves I've made since I flitted off to Africa or planned a trip to Greece in an hour.

I dropped all my classes for my Masters. At this point, I no longer have ANY idea of what the hell I am supposed to do with my life.

This is such a scary, uncertain and FREEING feeling. I don't know why I feel free right now. I don't know why I have this eerie sense of peace. But for some reason I feel that God is going to use this decision for something good, something exciting, something big.

I mean who knows though? Maybe He'll just say, "Um that was stupid, go back in the Fall." or maybe He'll say, "Good move kid, go to the Sudan." Or maybe He'll say nothing and force me to wait on Him because He wants to grow in me faith and endurance.

Sigh.

All I know is that I can't any longer use this to pat myself on the back. It was so nice to say I'm getting my Masters. It felt good, like an eternal gold star. And I mean come one 80% of my friends have Masters so it would be strange not to right?

It was familiar, like a warm blanket, a cup of cocoa. And now it's gone. Now I'm a nurse at Kaiser with a bunch of unanswered prayers, crazy dreams, weird goals with no idea of how to bring anything to fruition.

I'm regular. I'm not that extraordinary and I can no longer say my life is that hard because I'm a working adult like everyone else.

But for some reason I feel like that's exactly where I'm supposed to be. And I don't think even my closest friends may get it. You might shake your head and say, "But what about the plan?" Or say logical things like, "They won't take you seriously without a Masters," or say, "How will you start the clinic?"

And while those are valid questions, I can't do anything to please people anymore or to wear that gold star or to live up to some invisible standard. I've given it all up for Him. And while He didn't answer me or give a word the way I really wanted one, He did say step out.


So there it is. I gave it up. The one thing I felt really good at. The one thing I took a lot of pride in. The one thing that gave me a leg up in nursing, the 25-year old, heading toward being a N.P.

I give it all to You. And I'm so terrified of what this means. But all I know is that I finally want to figure out why exactly I was born. I finally want to know what it is I truly desire and what my future is to be.

So yet again, Your move God. I did it. Your turn to speak and speak loudly because I no longer have ANY plans.

My hopes, dreams, plans are now ALL yours.