An appraisal

15 months ago I moved out to Redlands to start nursing school. I remember how nervous I was. Living alone for the first time, being away from friends and family, starting an accelerated program, being in a new city...

I cried myself to sleep almost every night. I hated coming home to an empty apartment. I hated going days without talking to another human because I was stuck in my apartment alone studying.

But now everything is different. I love living alone. I sleep really well most nights. I like coming home to nothing. I like having time for myself. I like leaving the dishes not done for days and not having to answer to anyone about it. I like that I can be as messy or as neat as I want. I love hosting people. To have a place I can call my own. To have a place where friends can crash anytime...even as many as 7 friends strewn about, even sleeping in my closet. I love that!

I'm so sad I'm moving. Just when I got comfortable you know? I'm moving back to familiar, yet unpredictable territory. I'm moving back with this degree that comes with so much responsibility, stress and fear. I'm moving back with this whole journey ahead of me I know nothing about.

As I look back on my time in Redlands, I realize how much God has changed me. How much He has drawn me closer to Him, although I fail every day to give Him the time He deserves. I realize how independent I am now, how comfortable I am with nothingness, how content I am with singlehood. I realize how much I can be a slave to emotions and at the same time rise above them. I've made friends I will keep forever. I've realized the beauty of marriage. I've realized how anal and how loving I can be. What a control freak I am and also what a leader. How impatient and bitchy I can be and how serving.

I've also realized how ready I am for the next chapter. How ready I am to not be a full-time student. How ready I am to have a well-rounded life. To begin this next phase of adulthood. How ready I am to start my career and fulfill my lifelong dreams.

I can't believe I will be 25 in a few months! I can't believe I'm a nurse. I can't believe how close I am to starting my clinic. I can't believe how terrified I am to be in healthcare and to move back in with my parents.

I move out in two days. I take my last test in nursing school tomorrow. I take my boards in one month. So many transitions and changes all at once...ah! I'm excited and scared all at once.

It's scary because once I'm done here, there's no "next chapter." I mean once I'm done, what I have left is the rest of my life. No set plans, no rubric, no phase. I'm a working citizen, contributing to soceity, making money and doing whatever I want with my life. I can't hide behind school and say I'm a student so I can't or I'm a full-time student so I'm too busy. School is no longer my crutch or default. It's all over now.

Now it's just me, Shannon. Nurse, Christian, single, etc. This is really hard. Too much freedom, too much unknown...

What's next?