he chases me with a basin of water

it's too much...it really is

i feel so sorry for my friends as they watch me implode...as they try to reason with me

what i hate most is my hypocrisy because while i claim to love Jesus and have complete faith in Him, all i do is run further and further away from Him

my apartment drowning with pictures of my savior laughs at me because my faith is a joke

a joke

the more he loves, the more i say no

im so distracted, so inward, so laden...there's no relief

movies, working out, doing homework, hanging out with friends, nothing cures this feeling

i hear him call and i finally take the time to sit

but as my feet touch the water and i see the granules of dirt sifting off, i run

before he has the chance to touch, to smile, to love, im gone

the basin spills over on to him, water everywhere

and my feet even dirtier now as i run farther away, mud continually caked on from my escape

he cleans up the floor, refills the water, gets a new towel and waits

his waiting mocks me because it never ceases

sometimes i see him following me as i run, towel in hand, calling me back

it's like im addicted to doing it alone, addicted to stress, addicted to lies, addicted to worry, addicted to fear

fear...is that it? fear of being alone, fear of being ugly, fear of offense, fear of people, fear of death, fear of hypocrisy, fear of indifference, fear of lukewarm faith?

he saved me from fear and offered me love and yet i keep running back to fear

im like the abused woman who keeps going back to her husband, the sexual slave saved from trafficking but returns because he has the drugs he addicted her to, the homeless man who finds shelter but can't sleep because the familiar smells of urine and violence aren't there to comfort him anymore

but he waits, despite my ignorance, my foolish ways, my mud-caked existence, he refills the water every day, readies the basin

sometimes i watch him do it, lovingly preparing for me, but he seems so far away, so unattainable so i walk away yet again

i wonder if he misses me as much as i miss him...