I walked onto the floor, after getting maybe 2 hours of sleep. I sounded out a prayer: "Please God, help me see you in every patient I care for today. Just you." And I told myself, I will do my best. Even though I feel completely inadequate, so drained, so lifeless.
God very seriously answered my prayer. I walked onto the floor and its like every patient was a little sliver of God's heart. I couldn't believe it. As I fed my patient and gave him his medications, he took my hand and thanked me. He was so genuinely grateful for just my presence.
And it was in that very moment. Something happened and I knew, this is exactly what I'm supposed to be doing with my life. I looked into his eyes and I wanted to thank him.
But God wasn't done with me. Praise Him for that.
Even as a child there were two things that embodied healthcare for me: stethoscopes and giving shots. I mean if I could do that, then I was complete. I mean I was real. I was right there in the crux of things.
It's funny how now my stethoscope has become this appendage. I feel naked without it. And I do nothing but use it to listen to breath sounds and heart beats and bowel sounds...etc.
But today, God took it an extra step. I'm not going to lie, I was praying for it all day. The word came...my patient had high blood sugar. Well ordinarily, this wouldn't mean anything. But today, it meant something different.
Today, it meant this: I was going to give my first injection...
Ok, I know this may sound overly dramatic and crazy...but bear with me. I mean come on...its taking a needle and sticking someone. It's the ultimate trust right? Someone who is already so sick, then allows you to stick a needle in them and trusts you to do it right.
And when my nurse told me I was going to have my chance, I freaked out. Haha. Of course I would. I started pacing. What the hell did I get myself into?
I started practicing with pens. Ok, so grab the syringe like this and jab. Wait, hold it like a dart right? Ok, but how do I stick and then inject the medication with the same hand? Ok, where do I stick them again? What if I hit the bone? No, I won't hit the bone, it's a small injection. Ok, but what if they really get hurt...it'll be my fault. What if they don't want a student nurse?
But when I got there, it's like I had been doing it all my life. My second patient said she didn't even feel it go in. AH! Victory!
I walked out of that room and God was next me. He looked at me and said, welcome. Welcome to my new profession. I felt so accomplished. Like I had jumped over this huge hurdle.
I mean in reality, its nothing. I mean its an injection, there are much harder things... But its like as I injected my first syringe, I injected away my old self. I injected my doubt that I'm supposed to be a nurse. I injected my fears about making mistakes. I injected my apprehension and got back peace.
So there it is.
Today, I became a nurse.
