i really was actually happy

It's funny when you realize how much you actually love doing something you swore you would hate.

Tres Leches cake, homemade Boba, Thai food, Sri Lankan delights, apple cider, El Pollo Loco chicken, bracelets, necklaces, flowers and lots and lots of love capped off my last day at Providence St. Joseph. Not to mention the doctors jokingly offering me employment when I'm done with school and the nurses not so jokingly exclaiming that I can be their physician later in life.

Somewhere down the line, working a 9-5 (actually 11-7) job as a secretary became part of my calling and part of my journey. Somewhere down the line, stapling kardexes to med sheets, reading the scribbles of doctors, answering the many requests of patients, smelling the overwhelming scents of wounds and feces and observing the service of nurses became what I was "supposed" to be doing.

A year ago, I sobbed when I realized I would have to take off yet another year before starting grad school. I cussed out God. I called Him a betrayer, a liar. I sobbed when I got my last medical school rejection and when a trusted friend and fellow healthcare worker told me that he had been praying for me and perhaps being a doctor wasn't for me.

And yet during this unplanned year, this mistake in the master plan dictated by Shannon and Shannon alone, I went to Africa and my world was changed. I entered into a relationship with a great guy and was able to listen to God when He said he's not the one. I was able to take classes at community colleges, something I thought I was too good for, and realize that the education there was 10 times better than the UCLA education I received for $40,000. And I became financially independent, able to move out of my house, able to pay for bills and able to now enter nursing school knowing exactly what type of life I have in store for me.

So I proclaim boldly that this year was indeed not a waste. I fall on my knees in repentance for mistrusting God. And I re-surrender my life to Him because He CLEARLY knows best. I constantly put God in a box and I'm pretty sure He hates it as much as I do.

So today ends the two years I took off since graduating UCLA. It's been such a fun ride. After working as a case manager on Skid Row, going to Africa, learning from wise nurses about healthcare, I better not ever second guess God's plans for me.

Here's to the next phase. *clink*

i looked up and everything was different

it's like being newly birthed. a fledgling bud, a new leaf, a fresh gray hair that made itself known for the first time.

it's like crawling out of a self-inflicted cage and destroying it completely. watching its shreds fly into the wind. seeing its pieces turn into embers. its smoke giving off an aroma of alabaster. a smoke seen by the Pharisees when she weeped that day at the feet of Jesus. a smoke which stifled many as she dared to touch the robe of One who believed she could be different.

i no longer answer to you. you world, both friend and foe, stranger and neighbor, church and bar, mirror and billboard. i refuse you. i deny you authority.

i am just me. and as i looked up, me met Her and everything was different.